By Alden Brown
There may not be anyone hornier than a closeted gay Republican seething with unquenched sexual angst and self hatred at the Conservative Political Action Conference after a provocative presentation about the importance of screwing over the 99 Percent.
Apparently, nothing gets the old fun juices flowing like an appearance by hate-mommy Sarah Palin, sandwiched between a bunch of butch security men to make it look like she’s relevant. What red blooded Republican wouldn’t hit the Internet in search of forbidden sex with a willing stranger after a day like that?
The Wonkette website has written an absolutely hysterical article about the flood of plaintive postings for gay sex that Craigslist experiences during the annual conservative jamboree in Washington, D.C. Conservatives are supposed to hate gays and lesbians, which makes it work from a comedy perspective, but can be a stressful facade to maintain for someone who is too chickenshit to come out of the closet.
Poor “Conservative JO” must have been nervous as hell when he went looking for some strange during CPAC via the following post:
“I’ll be in DC tomorrow. Solid GOP credentials, plus I like to JO. Very discreet, looking for CPAC attendee who can host in their room tomorrow, time flexible. WM 35 yo 175 lbs 6 ft fit/vgl/smooth/runners build. Super-discreet, looking for low-key fun.”
One poster with a socialist approach to sex with strangers, described himself as a “bi married guy” and implored his fellow conservatives to “stop by anytime and get drained.” How would you like to be his wife?
Another listed himself as a “CPAC bottom for a pounding – 23,” but couldn’t resist injecting race into his injection request (below). If Trojan sold condoms with pointy white hats on the tip he’d be all set.
Anyone worth knowing would just come out, instead of trying to maintain a secret self in 
the homophobic and often racist world of conservative politics. But not conservatives. That’s probably part of the reason they’re so pissed off at the 99%.
Here we are, having a great time, without the burden of a secret self, while they stalk the shadows. The 99% might be broke, but at least we’re not sexually repressed.
Former U.S. Rep Mark Foley (R-Fla.) set the modern standard for conservative sexual hypocrisy when he was forced to resign in 2006 after Republican leaders learned he’d been sexting underage Congressional pages for 10 years. Hold up a second – technically that’s not correct.
Foley was actually forced to resign after the Republican leadership learned that the media had become aware of his behavior. GOP House leaders were actually OK with the sexual exploitation of the children entrusted to their care, provided it was discreet and Foley voted the party line.
I shit you not.
Foley, who opposed gay marriage during his time in elected office, has since come out and landed himself a Palm Beach dermatologist, which means the GOP lost his seat in more ways than one.
Barney Frank, the openly gay and incredibly courageous Democratic congressman from Massachusetts, is Kermit the Frog by comparison. Frank represents Massachusetts but actually is from northern New Jersey, which produced the world’s toughest outwardly gay men before 1980. He grew up in the tough, old-school Catholic and very intolerant working-class port city of Bayonne.
Suppressed pining for gay sex has become such a defining characteristic among conservatives that The Cynical Times has decided to give them their own sexual catch-phrase. If the hypocritical missionaries of the Catholic Church could get their swerve on with such grinding regularity that an entire position was named after them – i.e. the missionary position – it’s only fitting that the horny men of CPAC should have one too.
In this case, we think that self-righteous men who pretend to be straight while pursuing lusty gay sex on the side should henceforth be known as “CPACers.” Saying they “creep” just doesn’t do them justice.
