Whitfield Apologizes for Appearance of Journalism


CNN Anchor Fredericka Whitfield apologized Monday for not behaving more like a Faux News pseudo journalist, right-wing lapdog, and beneficiary of the status quo.

Whitfield was seeking to defuse a social media brouhaha that began Saturday when she described an attack by a lone gunman named James Boulware on a building full of armed police officers in Dallas as “courageous and brave, if not crazy as well.”

The accurate remarks sparked outrage among those on the far right who enjoy watching large groups of police brutalize and kill poor and middle class black people who challenge the status quo or peacefully dent the rules of the expanding American police state.

The attacker, a white man who was apparently unhinged by the loss of his child in a custody dispute, was later killed by police. Boulware never hit anyone. His race was not widely known until Monday.

“There’s nothing worse than a sellout who develops a conscience,” said Syracuse University Media Professor Bawten Paydefor.

Whitfield was discussing the attack with another CNN staffer as it unfolded when the Howard University grad  forgot herself and began practicing journalism instead of propaganda.

satire46In her subsequent apology, Whitfield faulted herself for forgetting “her place” and “biting the hand that feeds me.” She also said that those in the black community comparing her to the house slaves of the Old South were being unfair and apparently didn’t realize that the shooter with the black sounding name – James Boulware – was actually a Southern white male.

“I’m the victim here,” Whitfield said. “Do you folks have any idea how much money I’m paid for providing CNN with cover against allegations of racial bias? Shoot, I can’t make that kind of money anywhere else. Let he who has the bank to pay for my country club memberships cast the first stone.”

Tucker Carlson, the silver spoon publisher of The Daily Caller propaganda website, blamed the mixup on liberal sympathizers in the reference industry, especially Merriam Webster and Wikipedia. He said they victimize wealthy Americans with their insistence on accurately preserving painful truths.

“Their definition of courage as ‘the ability to do something that frightens one’ and ‘strength in the face of pain or grief’ needs to be amended to make it more sensitive to social class in the rising American caste system,” Carlson said. “Something more along the lines of the ‘ability of a rich white person or their lackeys to do something that frightens them’ and ‘strength by a member of the 1 percent in the face of pain or grief.’ “

whit1Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal, who has grown rich pandering to the 1 percent, lauded Whitfield for having the courage to own up to a terrible mistake. He said he felt victimized by her earlier remarks. Also by the old Life Cereal ads featuring Mikey

“The last thing we need is to have a rich journalist, making good money off the 1 Percent, start suggesting poor and middle class people are human beings too,” Jindal said during a marathon press conference. “That’s how revolutions begin.” 

Jindal’s grip on the microphone was so powerful that he had to be hospitalized immediately after the press conference. The Louisiana governor and presidential hopeful was resting comfortably at Memorial Medical Center in New Orleans on Monday after physicians used a powerful muscle relaxer to pry the crushed microphone from his hands and place him in a temporary coma.

A subsequent discussion of the need for a mercy killing of the brain-dead governor ended inconclusively, with the hosiptal ethics committee citing his lingering ability for reflexive partisan political speech in opposing the critical care committee’s desire to pull the plug on his life support machine

Meanwhile, right-wing religious figure Pat Robertson also waded into the Whitfield dustup. He described her use of the words “courage” and “bravery” as a “faux pas” caused by the “Liberal Pope” now running the world from Rome. The media mogul and televangelist, whose real name is “Marion,” said he felt victimized by Pope Francis and closed his eyes to pray for the pontiff’s death.

“This kind of thing happens whenever you have a liberal Pope spreading lies, like the whole David versus Goliath thing, and an entire religion devoted to challenging the state,” Robertson said. “Just look at the Catholic Church’s misguided canonization of Maximilian Kolbe. It victimizes those of us who benefit from the kind of repressive status quo that took his life.”

Jindal issued a statement from his hospital room immediately after hearing of Robertson’s remarks, calling for the Louisiana public school curriculum to be amended to omit both David and Max Kolbe.

“Goliath can stay,” Jindahl said. “But we really need to remember to add his name to the national memorial for fallen defenders of the status quo. To protect him from being victimized.”

U.S. Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass.), who is being included in this story to give it the appearance of some kind of balance, could not be reached for comment despite several attempts in which her staffers’ cell phones were allowed to ring for almost a full second.

Fellow progressive Robert Reich also did not respond to repeated requests for comment posted in the public comments section of the the Facebook page for the Republic of Kazakhstan. Presumably Reich was off doing “liberal things.”

The writer of this article said he felt victimized by their failure to return his calls and emails in a timely manner.

According to right-wing lackey-pundit Michele Malkin, it’s important to nip this kind of challenge to the police state’s stormtroopers in the bud to keep them from feeling victimized and to deter other journalists from being inspired by Whitfield’s example. She and Sarah Palin also thanked Whitfield for creating an opportunity for all of the apologists on the Koch Brothers payroll to generate some additional revenue from themselves.

“Remember me?” Palin said. “No? Goddammit.”

“Well, anyway,” she continued. “The last thing we need in this great nation is for anyone to start making a connection between police attacks on blacks and all of the nut-jobs now targeting police. Cause nut-jobs are very susceptible to political rhetoric.

“That’s exactly how I got James Holmes to shoot Gabby Giffords,” Palin continued, in an apparent reference to Jared Lee Loughner.

Holmes is the nut-job who shot 12 and injured 70 in Aurora, Colo. in 2012. Loughner only killed six and wounded 13, including U.S. Rep Gabriella Giffords (D-Az.), in Arizona in 2011.

Both red states are supportive of the Open Carry movement embraced by the far right.

Upon being informed that Boulware was actually poor white, rather than black, Palin immediately revised her take on the Dallas situation.

“Boulware was white?” Palin responded incredulously. “Well, will wonders never cease? That changes everything. You betcha.”

Palin said she felt victimized by the media’s failure to be more clear about whether Boulware was white or black so those on the far right could prepare the proper response.

“If Boulware is white then he’s a victim of our intrusive government, rather than an example of the people in the seething black ghettos we must be protected from,” she said. “This is Ruby Ridge all over again.”

Writer’s note: This is satire. Meaning the words immediately above this sentence. This sentence itself is real.

Try not to feel victimized. Just to mix it up.

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