A bloated and randy Donald Trump urgently called upon his most visible supporters to have sex more often and consume fewer gassy foods Tuesday.
“I cannot emphasize the importance of my sexual and physical welfare enough – particularly to you surrogates,” Trump said during the conference call.
“Look folks, I’m dying here,” Trump said. “I’m as horny as a dog in heat and as gassy as a Mexican day laborer. You guys have got to start eating right and you have got to start getting me some trim quick, fast and in a hurry.
“As always, Melania is available to assist you,” Trump added, according to surrogates who shared their notes with Bloomberg News. “As are Barron, Donnie Jr., and sweet little Eric.”
Political surrogates, also known as “professional liars for hire,” carry a candidate’s message to the mainstream news media in exchange for future considerations. U.S. Sen. Cory Booker (right) revolutionized the role in 2012 by defending the parasitical behavior of Wall Street hedge funds and private equity funds as an Obama surrogate. The resulting one-on-one interview with poser-journalist George Stephanopoulos took home Blowjob Interview of the Year honors in the annual White House Correspondents Association journalism contest.
Trump has further refined it in the current presidential campaign cycle by 
connecting with his puppets at the cerebral cortex level. This feat is accomplished through the controversial use of paired neural interfaces, which are known as “Koren Helmets” or “God Helmets” within the scientific community.
Theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking has decried the use of the helmets by the Trump campaign as a gross perversion of their intended purpose. The devices first came to public attention in the film “Being John Malcovich.”
“These devices were intended to help people suffering from paralyzing illnesses, like amyotrphic lateral sclerosis and Tay-Saches, access the world around them,” Hawking said. “Not to increase the pleasure silver spoon mofos like Donald Trump derive from their parasitical lifestyles.”
Hawking suffers from amyotrophic lateral sclerosis. The illness is commonly known as Lou Gehrig’s disease and has gradually paralyzed him over the decades.
Trump defended the use of the helmets, which he credited with a dramatic improvement in communication among his campaign staffers. However, he cautioned Democratic front-runner Hillary Clinton that the resulting hive-mind also has a significant downside.
“Once you put this thing on you’re in it for the good, the bad and the ugly,” Trump said. “Sure, it’s fun when one of my surrogates lands a 19-year-old at the mall. But it’s no fun when somebody like Steve Mnunchin is in Amarillo and eats the Big Texan. then forgets to stay hydrated. Trust me – I know.
“I’ve
got one word for you Steve,” Trump continued. “Fiber.”
Steve Mnunchin is the chairman and CEO of private investment firm Dune Capital Management, who serves as Trump’s campaign finance chair. The Big Texan is a 72 ounce steak available at the Big Texan Steak Ranch in Amarillo, Texas.
“We’ve looked into rolling these helmets out, but I’m not sure it’s right for us yet,” said Hillary Clinton, 69. “For one thing, a lot of my staffers are young women from wealthy families who have yet to reach the calmer emotional waters of the post-menopausal stage of their lives. Who wants to go through that shit again every month? No thank you.”
God Helmets are going for $4,000 each new on Amazon Prime. Open box devices run as low as 
$2,500.
Trump also showed no indication Monday of backing away from his widely criticized and bigoted remarks about U.S. District Judge Gonzalo Curiel. The judge of Mexican descent overseeing cases against the Trump University real-estate program.
For-profit colleges like Trump University have been accused of predatory student lending by states attorney generals and targeted for more aggressive regulation. Their business model revolves around raiding the federal Treasury and then hanging the blame on their unwary poor and middle class students.
F
or-profit colleges accomplish this sting by securing financial aid in the students’ names and returning a large portion of the monies obtained to their investors. The colleges can declare bankruptcy to seek court protection from their debts, but no such legal protections are afforded to the students who unwittingly enable the grift.
The lack of such protections can transform the kids into debt slaves for life, according to the U.S. Consumer Financial Protection Bureau (CFPB).
Businesses associated with the Trump name have declared bankruptcy four times.
“This is truly an American tragedy,” said CFPB Director Richard Cordray. “We believe many for-profit colleges like Rump University may be saying one thing to students as they load them up with debt and another to investors.”
Trump denigrated the lawsuits as politically motivated attempts to attack him on the basis of his African American and Jewish heritage. The 69-year-old Reality TV star is neither Jewish nor Africa American.
“That doesn’t matter anymore,” Trump insisted Monday, noting that several of his surrogates belong to those traditional victim groups. Among them economic hack Ben Stein and Cordozar Calvin Broadus, the rapper commonly known as “Snoop Dogg.”
Trump instructed his surrogates to refer to him as their “golden-haired sun god” in private toward the end of the conference call. He also called upon his venal minions to step up their attacks on the Judge Curiel’s Mexican heritage, while cautioning them to take it easy on the Mexican dishes they’ve been consuming with greater frequency in an apparent case of word and food association.
Curiel has declined to comment to media outlets reporting on Trump’s attacks, which go back as early as February. The judge was born in Indiana.
“I understand how a name like Gonzalo Curiel can trigger a longing for enchiladas, fajitas, quesadillas and chocolate-fueled mole dishes,” Trump said Monday. “But you guys are killing me here. Have a plate of ceviche every once in a while for Chrissakes. Please.
“Go for a walk at night,” he add. “Eat some vegetables for a change. Take a yoga class. Climb the stairs instead of using the elevator.”
