Trump Faults Both Sides in Barcelona Terror Attack


President Donald Trump said the men who drove a van into a Barcelona crowd Thursday afternoon, killing 13 and injuring more than 100, were actually victims of Western imperialism. He refused to call the incident a terrorist act.

The bizarre statement came just days after the 45th president equated Nazis with the anti-fascists they attacked in Charlotteville, Va. It’s the latest contrary remark from the richest president in U.S. history, who frequently cites his own intellectual, financial and physical prowess.

“I think there is blame on both sides in Barcelona,” the president said during a combative exchange with reporters at Trump Tower in Manhattan. “You had a group on one side that was bad. You had a group on the other side that was also very violent. Nobody wants to say that. I’ll say it right now because I’m more man than the rest of you.”

Spanish Prime Minister Mariano Rajoy Brey immediately implored Trump to “callate la boca,” which is Spanish for “shut your pie hole.” He then called upon U.S. Congressional leaders to “muzzle your idiot president.”

Trump’s contrary remarks echo his statements earlier this week about the vehicular attack in Charlottesville, Va., which claimed one life and left 19 wounded on Saturday. The former reality TV star also blamed both sides for that incident, refusing to describe it as an act of domestic terror. He prefers to call it a “dustup.”

Today’s injuries and deaths in Barcelona occurred when the driver of a van plowed into a crowd on the city’s most famous street. Spanish authorities described the incident as an act of terrorism and have arrested two men. The suspected driver is still being sought.

Barcelona is Spain’s second-largest city and the capital of its Catalonia region.

Witnesses described people screaming and running for their lives as the driver of the van wove back and forth just before 6 p.m., apparently trying to hit as many civilians as he could. The Islamic State took credit for the bloody assault a few hours later, claiming the perpetrators as its “soldiers.”

Victims were left sprawled in the street, spattered with blood or crippled by broken limbs. Others fled in panic, screaming or carrying young children in their arms.

“It was clearly a terror attack, intended to kill as many people as possible,” said Barcelona Police Spokesman Josep Lluis Trapero.

Vehicles have become the tool of choice in recent terrorist attacks in Britain, France and Germany. However, Trump has refused to condemn the white nationalists, Klan members, and white supremacists who support him, even though they turned Charlottesville into a battle zone in a bid to preserve a statute of a fellow insurrectionist.

The alleged driver in the Charlottesville bloodbath is James Alex Fields Jr., 20, of Monclova Township, Ohio. The white nationalist is accused of plowing his Dodge Challenger into a crowd of counter-protesters. He is charged with second-degree murder, hit and run, and three counts of malicious wounding.

“Hey,” Trump tweeted Wednesday. “Not to be testicle, but somebody votes for me, they can do whatever they want. I take care of my people.”

Fields previously tangled with police in 2011 after threatening his disabled mother with a knife. He spent four months in the U.S. Army in 2015, before being discharged for keeping jelly donuts and a Nazi blow-up sex doll in his footlocker.

Former comrades called him as “a loner” and a “Leonard Lawrence type” who could not get laid if his life depended on it.

Capt. Miguel Arroyo (U.S. Army) said Fields was a huge fan of comedian Cheech Marin. He often affected a Mexican accent in clubs, where he relied upon the “shake it, don’t break it” pickup line with disastrous results.

“Believe it or not, that sex doll is worth a lot of money,” Arroyo said. “It’s a World War II collectible. That’s why Fields wouldn’t let anybody else use it.”

Fields sports a Hitler style haircut. He was trying to cultivate a Hitler style mustache at the time of his arrest, but didn’t have the bristles to make it work, according to police.

Trump blamed feminists for making Fields act out. If they had given the young man some play none of this would have happened, he said.

“Look, Nazis are people too and they have needs,” said Trump, whose parents were members of the German American Bund. “Sure they killed some people during World War II, but they were provoked. Just like this kid in Charlottesville and the Muslim dudes in Barcelona. It’s a two-way street my friend.”

The Bund was a group of Nazi sympathizers living in America. Its popularity peaked in 1939 with a rally at New York’s Madison Square Garden, which drew 20,000 people. It was dissolved in 1941 amid allegations of treason as the U.S. entered World War II as an enemy of Nazi Germany and the other Axis powers.

Former Republican presidential hopeful Ben Carson, a brilliant physician with little basic common sense outside the operating room, called for restraint from both sides. The Secretary for Housing and Urban Development said the violence in Barcelona and Charlottesville was the result of ‘‘little squabbles’’ that were ‘‘being blown out of proportion by lesser men” than himself.

Carson defended Fields as “a crazy, mixed up kid who meant no harm” and a dependable Republican vote.

Carson is rumored to be positioning himself for Clarence Thomas’ Uncle Tom seat on the U.S. Supreme Court, according to an anonymous Trump administration insider who looks remarkably like him. Former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice also wants the seat, which is likely to open up when Thomas ascends to chief justice.

“You have to understand that this is a very touchy situation for the president,” Carson said. “On the one hand mein fuhrer is trying to stir things up among the masses so he can claim additional police powers. On the other, he’s just not that bright. That’s why it’s so hard to distinguish between real news, fake news and satire when he’s involved.”

Opportunistic politicians routinely incite primitive tribal violence, as Trump is doing, both to advance themselves forward as leaders and to please their largest financial donors. The members of the Predatory 1 Percent can only maintain their wealth and power by dividing the masses and turning them against each other.

“I think it was Ike Turner who said ‘you can always pay one half of the poor and middle class to kill the other half,'” Trump said. “Those are words I live my life by.”

Douglas Brinkley, a presidential historian at Rice University in Houston, said Trump has joined Andrew Johnson and Woodrow Wilson “as the most virulently racist” presidents of the post-Civil War. He attributed the genetic defect to inbreeding among wealthy whites in the country club set.

“Donald Trump seems to want to incite a cultural war,” Brinkley said, adding that the president is “willing to be incendiary on racial issues for political gain.”

Trump first learned how to dominate the camera by being outrageous during a stint on the the fifth season of The Surreal Life, according to Brinkley. The future president portrayed supermodel Janice Dickerson on the reality TV show in 2005.

Trump denied being a racist during an interview Tuesday with former U.S. Representative David Duke (R-Bum Fuck Egypt) on the Stormfront website. However, he did admit to longing for the days when the Bund operated summer camps for proper Aryan youth on Long Island and in New Jersey. He defended the Nazi summer camps as a legitimate part of American history worthy of preservation.

“I’ve hard some stories about the counselors at Camp Seigfried and the things they did to get the Aryan campers to reproduce,” Trump said. “Fagedabowdid. It sounded like a helluva good time.”

President Trump’s job approval rating fell to the lowest level of his presidency after the events of this weekend, with only 34 percent of Americans supporting him. Half of those were in a persistent vegetative state and casting their votes with the aid of Republican Party psychics.

U.S. poll results have been plagued by suspicion since the Green Jello Crisis of 2016, when it was revealed that some pollsters were using elderly respondents with home telephones to slant their results to the right. The scandal got its name from the green jello that Republican activists provided to nursing home residents as they filled out their absentee ballots for them.

Trump’s opponents in the U.S. Senate are only six votes short of the total needed to impeach him. The president’s unwillingness to admit when he’s wrong, eat his vegetables, and say his prayers before sleep isn’t winning him any new friends there on either side of the political aisle.

U.S. Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-S.C.), accused Trump of taking “a step backward in human evolution” by suggesting there was some kind of “moral equivalency” between the oversexed, highly intelligent and incredibly good looking anti-fascist, anti-racist and pro-democracy protesters in Charlottesville and their bitter, inbred opponents in the white supremacist, neo-Nazi, and KKK communities. 

“It’s no secret the commander-in-chief does a lot of blow,” Graham said. “He must have been high when he said that.”

Trump can still save his presidency if he’ll just layoff the cocaine and start smoking more marijuana, according to House Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) and his sentient hemorrhoid Erik With a K.

“It sure as hell couldn’t hurt,” McConnell said. during a taco night appearance at The National Press Club. 

“LSD would be a step up from what he’s doing to himself right now,” added Erik With a K.

Trump’s support within the U.S. military community appears to be waning. Troops have begun referring to the five-time draft dodger as “The Buttercup King” on The Martha Stewart website they frequent.

Former Secretary of State Colin Powell, who was raised Jewish in the Bronx, described Trump as an “alta kaker sonofabitch.” The pejorative term employed by the one-time Pershing Rifle is Yiddish for a “crotchedy old shit.”

Attorney General Jeff Sessions said the deadly car attack in Charlottesville met the definition of domestic terrorism. National security adviser, Lt. Gen H.R. McMaster, echoed that stance during an appearance on NBC’s Meet the Press.

“Of course it was terrorism,” McMaster said. “Trump is a pussy for suggesting otherwise.

“Look,” McMaster added. “We’re talking about a silver spoon mofo here who equates his time in a military academy with real combat, dodged the draft five times, and thinks Call of Duty is real. He talks to the AI characters when he’s running through the campaign.

“Swear to God. I’ve seen him do it.”


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