Donald Trump ratcheted up his “no rules” approach to life Friday with the announcement of his impending wedding to daughter Ivanka and their plans to establish the first monarchy in United States history.
The 71-year-old president said their union will be a “royal wedding,” along the lines of the recent marriage of actress Meghan Markle and Prince Harry of England. The reference appeared to confirm rumors the 45th president intends to introduce hereditary rule to an American Republic long viewed as the world’s foremost democracy.
“The ratings for the first royal wedding in United States history are going to be huge,” Trump said. “Sale of the broadcast rights alone should generate billions of dollars. And that’s before syndication and merchandising.”
The U. S. was founded in response to the tyranny of the British royal family in 1776. It has never had a king or queen. Much less a royal wedding.
Supporters of the man who would be king – known informally as “Trumplickers” – applauded the surprise announcement.
White House Chief of Staff John Kelly says he was initially skeptical of the wisdom of the planned union, given the 35 year age gap between Trump and the 36-year-old Ivanka, and their status as father and daughter. Until he learned Melania Trump and Jared Kushner – the couple’s current spouses – both support the idea.
“They’re both fully on board,” said Kelly, who is expected to serve as best m
an. “As are the Corporate Democrats.”
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Melania, who h
as not been seen in public for more than three weeks, issued a statement to the press via email in which she said she was “just so happy for both Donald and Ivanka.”
Jared Kushner “wished the h
appy couple every joy” during a press conference at The White House where he was shadowed closely by presidential adviser and professional liar-for-hire KellyAnne Conway.
The fate of Ivanka’s three young children with Jared remained unknown at press time.
“Trump has decided to marry Trump,” the President announced via Twitter.
Public reaction to the news has been overwhelmingly positive, with members of the Republican political protection racket sticking to their talking points and members of the Democratic crime family accepting generous payoffs from the president and his corporate owners.
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Bill and Hillary Clinto
n offered their heartfelt congratulations to the happy couple after The Trump Organization donated $10 million to The Clinton Family Charity. U.S. Sen. Cory Booker and House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi were equally supportive.
“This is great news for both the Trumps and America,” Booker said after receiving a $4 million speaking fee from The Trump Organization.
“I can’t think of two people who deserve this kind of blessing more,” Nancy Pelosi said after The Paul and Nancy Pelosi Charitable Foundation cashed a check for $5 million from the Trumps.
Russian President Vladimir Putin also cong
ratulated the happy couple. The man widely credited with masterminding the intelligence operation which made Trump the 45th U.S. President, said he plans to host the wedding ceremony in Moscow on July 4 and walk the groom down the aisle.
“We’re so happy for both of them,” Putin said. “We’ve been doing shots of vodka all night here in the Kremlin.”
Meanwhile, the surprise announcement tossed the reality-based community into chaos. U.S. Sen. Bernie Sanders wondered about the impact on America’s global standing and questioned both the legality of the marriage and Trump’s plans to declare himself king.
“This is insanity – it’s the end of The Republic,” Sand
ers said. “I spoke with President Trump last night and he assured me that he can do whatever he wants because he has Wall Street’s blessing. Then he offered me $10 million in Wal-Mart stock if I would go along with it.”
The President and Ivanka have always had an unusually close relationship, according to her siblings. As a teen, she had a habit of interacting with the real estate heir more like a wife than a daughter.
Donald Trump sometimes held her in ways that made other parents cringe, and made comments about her physical appearance they deemed “creepy at best.” Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump seemed to pursue contact with her daddy’s pelvic area in her adolescence, instead of avoiding it, in a clear case of cinematic foreshadowing.
“I’ve been dreaming of this moment my entire life,” Iv
anka gushed Friday after the leader of the free world admitted taking their relationship to the next level. “I just wish it had happened sooner. Now when daddy smacks my bottom and asks me ‘who’s your daddy,’ I can answer proudly, and without hesitation, even in public.”
Ivanka said she remains undecided about her post-wedding royal title. She’s torn between “Queen Ivanka and “The Ivanka.” Her daddy intends to adopt “King Donald, Defender of Hereditary Wealth and Power, Lord of the Silver Spoons, Duke of Wall Street.”
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Evangelical Christian leaders gave t
heir blessing to the proposed union as did Hasidic Jewish Rabbi Schmuley Boteach, the opportunistic author of the books Kosher Jesus and Kosher Sex.
Liberty University President Jerry Fallwell Jr. said Trump deserves to be king because he sits at the right hand of God. And answers to no man.
“God Bless Donald and Ivanka Trump for having the courage to elevate love above both religious dogma and the law of man,” Falwell Jr. said.
Boteach was equally effusive.
“This is a great day for America and for all people of faith,” said Boteach, who is best known for declaring himself “America’s rabbi” and peddling transcripts of his counseling sessions with Michael Jackson shortly after the singer’s death.
Ivana Trump, the president’s 69-year-old first wife, said she feels blessed by the news. Her daughter will be The Donald’s fourth spouse.
“I never crazy about Kushners,” said the Czech-American businesswoman. “We have on-again, off-again relationship.”
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Initial wedding plans call for the ceremony to be followed by a military parade down New York’s Park Avenue and a honeymoon in the Saudi capital of Riyadh.
A new sex tape from the Kardashian family, featuring 4,500 of their former boyfriends, is expected to anchor the half-time show.
Kardashian family matriarch Kris Jenner said it was an honor to be asked to produce the gangbang extravaganza by fellow Reality TV Star Donald Trump. His rise to power and her own family’s success proves you don’t have to be educated or intelligent to make it in America.
Jenner and her six kids have two bachelors degrees between them, despite every advantage of money and social status.
“We pulled out all the stops for this one,” Kris Jenner said. “We h
ad to hold the shoot at the Staples Center in L.A. and bring in Hanna Brothers to cater it because of the sheer size of the production. The logistics were daunting. We probably went through 120 jars of petroleum jelly, and a truckload of condoms and paper towels just for the sex scenes, and five jars of mayonnaise for the stills.”
Meanwhile, jockeying for key roles in the wedding ceremony itself has been intense within Trump’s inner circle.
Chelsea Clinton is expected to serve as Ivanka’s maid of honor and Eric Trump, 34, has been tagged to serve as ring-bearer. The move is a big setback for 12-year-old Barron Trump, according to self appointed American Royalty Expert and shameless opportunist Milo Yiannopoulos.
“This is a
terrible slight for Prince Barron, which clearly illustrates his diminished standing in the Trump dynasty,” said Yiannopoulos.
Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. are expected to begin using their new legal names – Prince Fuckface and His Royal Dipshit – immediately after the wedding.
Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman tweeted “Mazel Tov” when he heard the news of the planned nuptials.
“This is a great day for silver spoons everywhere,” Salman said. “Enough of this level playing field bullshit. From now on there will be only royals and peasants. Inshallah.”
Editors Note No. 1: Satire is not fake news. F
ake news is meant to deceive, whereas satire is meant to entertain and always lets the reader in on the gag at some point. Which is why any humorless mofo who posts some nonsense on social media about this article being fake news, without reading it first, will be skinned alive.
Editor’s Note No. 2: The Cynical Times hereby apologizes – with all due respect – for any distress this article creates for Wingnuts, Trumplickers, Nazis, Klan members, the Alt-Right, Libertarians, Hillbots, Corporate Dems, Uncle Toms, Reflexive Rule Followers, Market Cheerleaders, and Religious Nuts. We recognize that you fragile morons are doing your very best with the 2 HP Briggs & Stratton lawnmower brains God gave you.
