Dear fellow progressives, I have a confession to make: I like my steak well done with ketchup just like Herr Trump.
And I resent the elitist comments being circulated lately in the public forum about the proper way to eat a steak. It’s the same kind of rich people nonsense that got Hillary bounced out of the election on her royal wannabee ass.
Your criticism of well done and medium well is pure tyranny. On a par with the Birther nonsense about whether former president Barack Obama was born in the U.S. or not.
This is probably the only area where this principled liberal is in total agreement with the five-time draft dodger who now infests The White House.
Eating steak is even more fun when the vegans in my circle of friends whine about it. Almost as gangster as drinking alcoholic beverages while underage and smoking ganga around reflexive rule followers.
I take my steak very seriously. So much so that I handpick th
e bovine my beef is extracted from after an exhaustive national search culminating in a series of one-on one interviews.
In the spirit of the butt-load of ridiculous criticisms of Herr Trump’s culinary preferences, I offer up the following excerpt from my interview with the cow above:
Q: “How long have you been eating and shitting Ethel?”
A: “Long as I can remember.”
Q: “Do you ever wonder what happens to the other cows that disappear?”
A: “Nope. Never give it a second thought. Far as I’m concerned it just means more silage for me.”
Q: “Any pet peeves?”
A: “Waiting to eat, waiting to get my udders drained, vets with cold hands and thick wrists.”
Q: “Favorite foods?”
A: “I really like, uh, silage. Especially old silage, You know, the kind that’s been dead so long it’s halfway through the decomposition process and starting to burn. Mmm mmm, that stuff is tasty.”
Q: “Any social justice issues?”
A: “Nope.”
Q: “Any public service work? Volunteerism?”
A: “Nope. Only thing I share are these teats when they get swole.”
Q: “Favorite band?”
A: “I’m partial to Rage Against The Machine. We all love them in the barn.”
Q: “What’s your favorite song of theirs?”
A: “Bulls on Parade is a personal fave, for obvious reasons.”
Q: “How would you describe yourself politically?”
A: “I’m a vegetarian. So I guess that makes me a member of the Green Party.”
Q: “What do you see as the biggest threat to The American Way?”
A: “You know, I’ve never really thought about it. We rarely discuss politics in the barn.”
Q: “What do you talk about?”
A: “Mostly silage. We’re foodies.” 
Q: “So you all get along?”
A: “Mostly. Except for the heifer on my left. She’s got a long neck that she uses steal my silage when I’m not looking.”
(looks left)
A: “Fuck you looking at Mary?”
(pause)
Q: “What do you think of President Trump?”
A: “Humans, you guys are friggin stupid.”
Q: “But what do you think of Trump?”
A: “Well, I like his hair. It looks like straw. I bet it tastes like straw too. I like straw.”
Q: “I understand you have a stock market portfolio.”
A: “Not true. I manage the barn’s portfolio.”
Q: “And how would you describe your investment philosophy?”
A: “I’m still a buy and hold investor, like Warren Buffett and Charlie Munger, rather than a day trader. I prefer stock indices to individual companies. That said, I’m long on Nestle and Unilever, and short on Tyson, ConAgra and Smithfield.”
The author struggles to live a vegan lifestyle. Mostly
because he can only fit about half a vegan in his freezer. He’s also prepared to engage in passionate and meaningless discussions about the best Girl Scout Cookie, which is obviously the Tagalong. Try your luck. See what happens.
