Imperialism Blues: A good puppet’s hard to find


When it comes to puppet rulers and military proxies you rarely get what you pay for in the global domination game and that’s a problem for the credulous NeoConservatives who support U.S. imperialism.

Our empire builders have struggled mightily with unreliable puppets ever since we first supplanted Spain as the colonial overlord of the distant Philippines in 1898. This challenge continues to stymie the developmentally disabled members of the NeoConservative movement – commonly referred to these days as “those sheltered imbeciles” by their fellow Americans in the know. 

These NeoCons are the folks who got us into the counterproductive quagmire in Iraq after 9/11 – a huge waste of American treasure and lives – instead of attacking the Saudis actually responsible for the attacks on the World Trade Center and The Pentagon. They continue to influence our global strategy today – nearly embroiling us in a new quagmire in Iran – for reasons that elude those of us outside the inbred country club set.flattop

In the past 20 years our hapless NeoCons have managed to ruin the global economy, supplant our citizen soldiers with overpaid mercenary profiteers, bolster the Afghan heroin industry, empower our enemies in Iran, alienate our allies in Turkey, and fragment the entire nation of Iraq. And that’s just the shortlist. 

The painful truth is that the current crop of aging NeoCons is composed of sheltered imbeciles drawn straight from the bottom of the country club barrel for the most part. We’re talking Donald Rumsfeld, Paul Bremer, Flattop of Dick Tracey fame, Dick Cheney, Spanky from The Little Rascals, Henry Kissinger, Wormtongue from Lord of the Rings, Paul Wolfowitz and all of the other aspiring crusaders who cut their webbed toes working for Tricky Dick Nixon.

We all know how well the Nixon presidency ended.empire1 The only modern parallel has to be the failed presidency of George W. Bush.

Geedub’s big move was shifting military lifer Colin Powell out of the Pentagon in favor of Donald Rumsfeld – Super Genius – and his extensive knowledge of fictional warfare drawn almost entirely Tom Clancy books.

The NeoCons have never had an original thought between them in their entire lives and are accustomed to paying their way through life with other people’s money. Just like Geedub. 

So it should come as no surprise to anyone that these silver spoon mofos and their handful of admirers in the U.S. military keep trying to manage the far-flung American empire through a parade of inept puppets motivated solely by money – with predictable results. It’s as if they think that if they can find a way to make this failed strategy work just once they’ll be completely vindicated and all their past failures forgotten.

Sorry fellas, history doesn’t work that way. Even when you write it.

It doesn’t matter whether it’s Iraq’s Saddam Hussein and Ayad Allawi, Haiti’s Papa Doc Duvalier, Chile’s Augusto Pinochet, Egypt’s Hosni Mubarak, Cuba’s Fulgencio Batista, or Nicaragua’s Manuel Noriega. Our poor imperialists are constantly being betrayed by empire2the ones they think they’ve bought and paid for, just like an elderly absentee landlord trying to make some coin renting out their Fort Lauderdale condo to strangers.

Instead of enriching our Uncle Jesse and Aunt Marie with monthly condo rent checks, the goddamn property managers running the place for them usually wind up stealing them blind. Seems like Jesse is shelling out for a new air conditioner or roof, every other week and yet the place looks exactly the same whenever he visits. As if he’s being charged for work that’s not actually being performed.

The same thing has been happening to us in the global imperalism game for more than a century. The NeoCons like to refer to this battle for world domination as “The Great Game,” mostly because that type of misnomer make it a lot easier to rationalize how poorly they play it.

empire3The only time their fatally flawed puppet strategy ever works out is when it’s executed through a dyed-in-the-wool sadist like Pinochet, who gets their jollies by “harvesting” their own people. Even then, the results are short-lived at best as their bloodlust breeds the inevitable revolution, either at the polls or in the streets.

Afterward, our Keystone NeoCons find themselves right back on Square No. 1 without a clue to how it happened. Just like the old Wile E. Coyote cartoon character.

They’re just incapable of determining how much of a good thing is too much, whether it be torture, tyranny, predatory lending, foreclosure fraud or sleeping with underage Congressional pages.

Instead of defeating populist adversaries like Fidel Castro and Ho Chi Mihn, our loyal puppets and their patrons routinely get housed by them. In fact, it happens with such regularity that it’s almost stopped being funny. The Washington Generals basketball team, which gets paid to lose to the Harlem Globetrotters, has nothing on our NeoCons when it comes to making the opposition look like veritable Greek Gods.

Just look at what Osama bin Laden did to the House of Saud if you don’t believe me, what he did to our Pakistani allies, and what he did to that Hamid Karzai jackwagon in Afghanistan. This was a very soft-spoken man from a  pampered upbringing that our inept puppets transformed into the second coming of Che Guevara. He’s a frigginempire6 legend now – elevated to that rarefied status by the only country club idiots on the planet even more clueless than himself.

The issue isn’t just that the NeoCons made Osama look good – no small task – but that this kinda shit happens around the world to these losers with mind-numbing regularity.

The simple fact of the matter is that a principled leader backed by an idealistic military is worth any 10 opponents motivated solely by personal gain.

Case in point, George Washington and his ill equipped, inexperienced and poorly trained Revolutionary Army. They not only defeated the most advanced army and navy of their time, but trounced the top mercenaries.


coyote1Because people who fight for others are inherently better than those who fight solely for personal gain, no matter what the clueless rich fucks on Wall Street would like to believe. Because they’re more willing to die if that’s what it takes.

Case in point, Vietnamese revolutionary leader Ho Chi Minh and Cuban revolutionary leader Fidel Castro. They owned us. They still do.

It’s not like we’re re-establishing trade with those countries now because we beat their tiny, poorly equipped militaries on the battlefield. There’s a word for what did to us and it’s called “defeat.”

It’s not spelled “Dah Feet” and it happened at the executive level populated by the NeoCon blockheads of the 1 Percent. Not in the trenches where our 99 Percent still rules.
Painful truth No. 985.6 billion: We got owned. 

It happened because the DC shot-callers tried to control those countries through worthless scumbags who would sell out their own. Meaning the same kind of Wall Street trash that’s now running our society into the ground.

Gee, I wonder how that capitalist approach to empire building is going to work out?

The painful truth is that our NeoCons are about as nuanced and sophisticated as Charlie Sheen was when he began his great pout after being fired from the hit sitcom “Two and a Half Men.” It didn’t help that he was involved in a stop and start rehab effort at the time.

It’s all about “Winning” for both him and the NeoCons. In both cases, you’re either with them or against them. The hell with the long-term consequences.

coyote2In my opinion, the British model for enslaving the orb is far superior to our NeoCon approach.

The Brits would find an oppressed minority like the Hausa people in Nigeria and then ally themselves with them, thereby securing motivated and idealistic proxy rulers and military combatants. The French did the same thing in Syria with the Alawites.

It worked like a charm.

Of course, if we respected the legitimate right to self determination of those other than ourselves we wouldn’t be in this mess. But that would mean permitting other human beings to pick their own leaders and the Neocons aren’t going to allow that. Hell, their Wall Street paymasters don’t even allow U.S. citizens to pick their own leaders most of the time.

If they did such a thing then Wall Street wouldn’t ALWAYS be able to sell its goods and services to the countries led by such people or exploit their natural resources. God forbid the Morgan Stanleys of the world should ever miss a sale.
On the other hand, our faltering democracy wouldn’t have to deal with the cancer that’s now spreading across our global empire and the peaceful domestic rebellion percolating away just under the surface here at home.

Sure, we’d still have headaches, but we’d be treating them with aspirin and recreational drugs instead of chemo and organ removal.

Make no mistake, there is a very unstable U.S. global empire covering the face of this orb right now. Outwardly it’s based on stock markets, films and cable TV. However, it’s based on the military might of the planet’s dominant Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines and intelligence apparatus and being executed from more than 1,400 foreign military bases.

In short, we have become what we once hated thanks to the NeoCons. They’ve transformed us into modern equivalent of the British Empire, the Roman Empire and the German Reich.

Satire14We’re not fighting to protect our freedoms any more. Instead, we’re fighting to preserve and extend the kind of empire that once ruled our own nation and spawned such rebellious slogans as “no taxation without representation.”

Unlike the Brits, we’re not very good at it.

Here’s a thought: Maybe we should stop?



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