A global audience of clueless millions is expected to tune into the Royal Wedding on Saturday to see Meghan Markle’s attempted domestication of Prince Harry’s Throbbing Purple Sword of Destiny.
The union is a clear win for the 36-year-old actress, who pulled out all the stops to forge a courageous comeback in the 2018 Sausage Wallet Shootout, just as her looks were beginning to fade. However, it’s a devastating blow for British females, who came up empty for the third time in the last four official royal couplings.
“What’s wrong with our milk shakes, mate?” a frustrated East Londoner tweeted after Markle sealed the win with a series of leg-shaking fake orgasms over the Christmas holidays.
Harry, 33, has been one of the biggest targets for Gold Diggers around the world for the past 20 years. Staggering drunkenly from bed to bed in the misguided belief his opportunistic stalkers actually found him as attractive as his hereditary title.
“This was a big win both for me personally and for all American gold diggers,” Markle said. “I trained hard, I worked hard, I dieted hard, I fucked hard and in the end it all paid off. The good news is that after Saturday I’ll never have to do anal or ass-to-mouth again.”
Satirist Jon Stewart likens the Transactional Relationship Olympics (TRO) to the Medieval competition to pull the legendary Sword of Excalibur from a stone and rule Britain. It’s a big deal because millions of gullible adults cherish their friendship with the British Royal Family in much the same way young children cherish their imaginary friends.
“TRO is the female equivalent of pulling Excalibur from a stone,” Stewart said. “Except in this case, the Sword of the Britons is a three inches long albino worm which appears to be drowning in a patch of linguine and red clam sauce.”
Markle was listed as questionable Monday on the U.S. Gold Digger injury report with a deep buttock bruise. Team Trainer Steven Lewis upgraded her condition to probable Thursday after three days of treatment.
Lewis attributed the injury to an over-enthusiastic butt squeeze by the prince.
“The kid’s got a helluva grip,” he said, noting that Harry’s real father is believed to be the late Princess Diana’s bodyguard.
Landing the big one in the Transactional Relationship Olympics is no different than being a professional bass fisherman, according to royal wedding analyst Rick Clunn. He’s worried about the impact of Markle’s bruised buttocks on the post-ceremony coitus, but expects her to strap on the royal thong and play through the pain.
“The key to winning the TRO is to know how to force the issue without appearing to force it,” said Clunn, a four-time Bassmaster Champion. “You have to let the fish pursue the bait so they set the hook themselves. No one does that better out of the water than Meghan Markle.”
With the royal wedding just two days away, all eyes are on Markle, who has made a modest living pretending to be someone she’s not. But what of the other high class prostitutes who tried and failed to parley vaginal access, fake orgasms, and shameless servility into a comfortable perch above the masses?
And what does the future hold for the Royal couple and the former Royal cock commando?
Celebrity lawyer Gloria Allred expects “at least” half the losing gold diggers to join the sexual regret support group for the rich and famous – also known as The Me Too Movement – in the next decade. The human sex act itself is an implicit crime of impalement and male predation, she said.
Allred has already signed three of Harry’s alleged victims.
“The Ginger Prince has been impaling his way across all five continents for the better part of two decades,” Allred said. “Harry has external genitalia, a taste for the opposite sex, and a huge trust fund. He has to pay for that.”
Royal sperm repository runner-up Chelsy Davy was the first to file suit against the TRO in 2016. The Zimbabwe silver spoon is currently in the league’s “fake victim” protocol, seeking compensation for concussion-related PTSD.
Davy alleges that she suffered multiple concussions during rough sex with Harry, when her head bounced off the royal headboard.
“That was back in the day when we all bought into the idea that playing hurt made you more of a woman,” Davy said. “I can’t tell you how many times I played through my monthly cycle. Harry and I were young and stupid back then. Now we’re just stupid.”
Sausage wallet silver medalist Cressida Bonas frowns on the victim gravy train. A professional pretender, like Markle, the actress still hopes to land the Throbbing Purple Sword of Destiny.
Bonas expects the Harkle relationship to end within five years, seven tops. She cherishes the prospect of playing Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, to Markle’s Princess Diana. Camilla married Prince Charles after Diana divorced her former sweetheart in 1996, before dying in a mysterious Parisian car accident a year later.
“This match isn’t over,” Bonas said. “Let’s say Meghan puts on some baby weight when she’s up the duff, well I’ll be up for it just like Bob’s Your Uncle; if she feigns a headache I’ll be there to throw a spanner in the works; and if she should ever grow weary of pretending to enjoy degrading displays of sexual dominance, I’ll be shagging that gentleman’s sausage like a Scouser whose lost the plot. Never say die I always say.”
The smart money on the Paddy Power betting website favors Bonas’ long game. Odds of the Harkle marriage ending within five years were 3 to 1 Thursday; odds of it lasting more than a decade were 20 to 1; and the odds of Bonas stealing Harry were just 5 to 1.
Leon Black, the founder of the Apollo Global Management firm of professional financial parasites, said he’s already bet $10 million on the five year futures and $10 million on Bonas’ long game.
“Harry’s a great kid, but impulse control has never been his strong suit,” Black said. “The moment Momma stops being leading lady material he’s going to be trading her in on a newer model. Just like a car.”
Alyssa Milano, who turned The Me Too Movement into a vehicle for rich victimization, called Markle’s win a milestone in the ongoing demise of the feminist movement. One which transforms the term “Gold Digger’ into a badge of honor for the rich and glamorous, while further marginalizing their fellow victims in the poor and middle class.
“For too long, American women have struggled to achieve legal equality by ratifying The Equal Rights Amendment,” Milano said. “The time has come to accept the painful truth that we will always be second class citizens in our own land, but that playing the victim and exploiting the over-entitled male libido has its advantages too. Viva la Gold Digger. All hail Meghan Markle.”
Editor’s Note: The Cynical Times is a progressive website which embraces the core liberal values of equality, freedom, and democracy while opposing hereditary wealth and rule. We believe working class women are more than the sum total of their doll parts and that The Me Too Movement’s obsession with the rich and famous embodies neither liberalism nor feminism.