Gun Nuts Face Shrinking Ranks After Vegas Massacre


Firearms aficionados are struggling to find the silver lining in the wake of the worst mass shooting in United States history, as a new study says they’re killing themselves off faster than the Fox News propaganda network can replenish their ranks.

Gun violence is now claiming 37 Americans a day and the most likely victims are gun nuts and their friends and relatives, according to the study by Homesteaders Life Co. The funeral insurer reported that the carnage is heaviest among the reflexive rule followers and closeted racists of the far right.

The study was released two days after firearms enthusiast Stephen Paddock allegedly killed 60 Americans and wounded 527 at a country music concert. The Red State resident was firing downward from a sniper’s perch on the 32nd flood of the Mandalay Bay Hotel, with an arsenal of more than 23 rifles and pistols.

Two of the weapons had been illegally modified to function as fully automatic assault rifles. Paddock used the military style weapons to fire 30 to 50 round bursts into the civilian crowd for nearly an hour.

“The good news is that the shooter – Stephen Paddock – had a helluva collection of fine weapons,” said former Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio. “And his actions sparked massive gains for firearms stocks.”

Firearms industry stocks historically benefit from mass shootings. As news of Sunday’s attack spread, shares of Olin Corp., the maker of Winchester ammunition, rose almost 7 percent in value. American Outdoor Brands Corp., formerly Smith & Wesson Holding Corp., was up about 3 percent, and Sturm Ruger & Co. rose almost 4 percent. 

The chief executives of these publicly traded companies have a legal obligation to increase shareholder value. It supersedes their loyalty to both America as U.S. citizens and their membership in the human race, according to the U.S. Chamber of Commerce.

“Our stock had a great run behind the massacre on the Strip,” said Sturm & Ruger CEO Christopher J. Killoy. “These mass shootings represent tremendous growth opportunities for Wall Street in general and our industry specifically.”

Kilroy lamented the demographic shifts revealed in the Homesteaders study, which indicate gun nuts are killing themselves off at an annual rate of more than 13,500. That’s equivalent to the U.S. death toll from four 9/11s or three Iraqi wars. It’s roughly equal to the manpower of a U.S. Army division.

However, the West Point graduate expressed confidence that The Right Wing Noise Machine is up to the challenge of replacing those losses.

President Donald Trump echoed those sentiments, noting that the Predatory 1 Percent has long embraced a policy of paying one half of the masses to kill off the other. He hailed The Strip massacre as the “hugest” working class turkey shoot ever.

“If we can’t convince the masses to kill each other for free, we’ll just have to pay them to do it,” Trump said. “It’s not like we can’t afford it.”

Civil libertarian Noam Chomsky also lauded the Homesteaders study, which he said signals that the long decline in American IQs is already being reversed. It also suggests we can stop spending trillions of tax dollars on a fake War on Terror, which is really a battle to spread corporate imperialism around the globe, he added.

Typically, one American dies from terrorism for every 1,100 claimed by homegrown gun violence, according to the federal government. Nearly a half million Americans have died from gun violence since 2001, compared with about 400 from foreign terrorism and 3,000 from domestic terrorism.

The figures do not include Americans who have taken their own lives while listening to Donald Trump make an ass out of himself on the world stage.

“Natural selection is alive and well,” Chomsky said. “The problem of right wing stupidity is resolving itself.”

National Rifle Association CEO Wayne LaPierre said his group is already working to address the demographic weaknesses highlighted by the Homesteaders study.

They’ve begun a $400 million ad spend on social media and television to improve American attitudes toward gun nuts, Wingnuts and firearms ownership. The resulting public service announcements are meant to humanize firearms enthusiasts and portray them as the real victims of mass shootings.

The first ad, starring the fictional characters of Carmen and Jesus Figueroa, debuted Tuesday in Hawaii. It begins with Carmen lamenting her beloved husband’s untimely death in an accidental shooting in 2016.

“I miss him every day of my life, but I know he died doing what he loved,” Carmen says, wiping a tear-stained cheek. “Which is supporting corporate profit growth for the firearms industry and the national military establishment.”

Figueroa, 52, blew his own head off while looking down the loaded barrel of a Mossberg tactical shotgun.

“Figgy’s last words to me were ‘is this thing loaded, I don’t remember?’” Carmen recalled tearfully.

The huge death toll from this week’s mass shooting on the Las Vegas Strip brought it all back for Carmen.

“This terrible violence just has to stop,” she said, wiping a tear-stained cheek. “And the only way to stop it is with legal firearms in the hands of Conservative, god-fearing Americans.

“That means prayer in school, primitive tribalism, scapegoating Jews and Muslims again, legalizing child labor, treating women like plastic fuckdolls, stealing Native American land, treating ethnic minorities like second-class citizens, political corruption, ending overtime and labor unions, it means putting corporate profits over people, and it means pushing homosexuals back into the celibate Catholic priesthood where they belong.”

The PSA has performed well with test audiences in nursing homes and coma wards, according to LaPierre. It has a 60 percent approval rating among Americans who identify as “reflexive rule followers who cannot think for themselves” and a 99 percent approval rating among those who identify as “quite possibly the dumbest motherfuggers on Planet Earth.”


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