God expressed regret for his failure to prevent genocide, natural disaster, poverty, war, child abuse, and The Moron Presidency on Thursday, acknowledging for the first time that he is not actually perfect, immutable, all-knowing or all-powerful.
“I can’t back that up,” he said.
The deity made the candid admissions during a profanity-laced appearance on The View, in which he described those created in his own image as a mixed blessing at best.
“You guys can be a pain in the ass,” he said of the human race.
God also slammed Reality TV and “false prophets,” ridiculing televangelists Pat Robertson and Joel Osteen as “little dick mofos” during the hour-long appearance. It represents the deity’s most extensive interview since creating the human race 200,000 years ago.
The alternately contrite and cantankerous deity admitted that, contrary to common belief, he is easily distracted by frivolous requests for divine intervention. Meaning that while his powers are theoretically infinite, they’re often under-utilized in the unending battle between good and evil.
“If I had a dime for every 15-year-old boy who begs me for help getting laid and every teen-age girl who prays for D-Cups I’d be a friggin billionaire,” God said. “ ‘Dear God, please help me bone this chick’ is neither an appropriate nor respectful prayer in my humble opinion.”
The deity reminded his followers that he really does help those who help themselves.
“For chrissakes,” he said. “Get off your asses already and stop feeding off me.”
Same goes for professional athletes, he said.
“It’s not like I give a damn whether LeBron James sinks a free throw or Tim Tebow (left) completes a pass, but their trivial bullshit can be incredibly distracting,” he said. “Especially Tebow’s virginity passion play. Jesus, Mary and Joseph – get friggin laid already and shut the hell up. I’m weary of it. You know?”
Instead of focusing on his failures, God said he wishes people would dwell a little more on his achievements. Especially those accomplished in spite of the din emanating from what he calls the “cacophony of bullshit prayers.”
While people harp on the 80 million human beings who perished during the Holocaust and World War II, God said they tend to forget he’s prevented a global thermonuclear war for the past 70 years.
“Do you have any idea how hard I have to work just to keep Donald Trump from hitting the button and starting World War III?” the deity said. “He was so high on nutmeg and model airplane glue this morning he thought the button was a jellybean and tried to eat it. Swear to Me.
“You guys could help me out here a little bit every once in a while, just by electing adults,” God said. “Instead of finding fault all the time and blaming me for your wanton stupidity.”
Electing a greedy billionaire to police the Predatory 1 Percent is not a winning political strategy in my estimation, he said.
God repeatedly expressed impatience with his beloved humans, especially when asked about televangelists and the current crop of toxic elites in New York City and Washington, D.C.
“Look man, usury’s a fuggin sin right?” he said. “In every religion. Yet humanity continues to tolerate this evil bullshit from big banks like Wells Fargo. Same thing for political corruption. That’s on you, not me.”
Usury is the religious term for excessive lending fees. Most state usury laws still cap them at 11 percent a year, but have been superseded by federal law since the presidency of Ronald Reagan. Even though the first president to wage war on the middle class was a self-proclaimed champion of states’ rights.
God vowed to deal harshly with political opportunists of every stripe. He singled out House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer, House Speaker Paul Ryan, casino magnate Sheldon Adelson, hedge fund quant Robert Mercer, and the infamous Koch Brothers for eternal damnation if they don’t “wake the fuck up and sort their corrupt shit out.”
The deity also slammed Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell and his fellow closeted gays in the Republican Party for praying for dick every day of their lives. Emphasizing that pedophilia is really the only lifestyle choice which he opposes. Not being gay or lesbian.
“You’re grinding my gears Mitch,” God said. “If you want to putt from the rough just do it already. Nothing’s more tiresome than a closeted gay in this day and age.”
Thanksgiving is one of the worst days of the year for trivial prayers, he said. Second only to Christmas morning.
The exasperated deity said he is “literally saturated” with needless prayers for a well-cooked bird every November. So much so that he threatened to burn every turkey which belongs to those seeking divine intervention this Turkey Day.
“There’s this thing called the Internet now – you know?” God said. “Its got recipes, recommended temperatures and cooking times. Learn to fucking read. Jackasses.”
The deity implored consumers to read the assembly instructions that come with their Ikea purchases before reflexively turning to him for help Christmas morning.
“I really do have other things to do,” he said.
The plain-spoken deity agreed to participate in a simple game of word association at one point in the show, in which he repeatedly cited the Seven Deadly Sins in Latin.
Q: Trump
A: “Gula. Gonna burn.”
Q: Bill and Hillary Clinton.
A: “Superbia. Hell bound. Big time.”
Q: Ted Cruz
A: “Fornicatio. Homeboy is well and truly fucked.”
Q: Stephen Colbert?
A: “Entertaining.”
Q: Kim Kardashian
A: “Vanagloria. She’s gonna be 300 pounds with a mustache and one tooth very, very soon.”
Q: Occupy Wall Street?
A: “Great kids.”
Q: Black Lives Matter?
A: “You’re damn right they do.”
Q: Pat Robertson?
A: “Avaritia. That con artist does not speak for me.”
Q: Organized religion?
A: “False prophets. Do you guys really think I give a shit what name you use for me?”
Q: Rupert Murdoch?
A: “Douche. He’s on an express elevator to hell. Going down.”
Q: Bernie Sanders?
A: “Bernie Jesus.”
Q: Favorite film?
A: “Pulp Fiction. I love the scene where Samuel Jackson talks about the tyranny of evil men (right).”
Q: Favorite band and song?
A: “Rage Against the Machine. Bulls on Parade.”
Q: All-time crush?
A: “Elizabeth Warren. She co-authored a book in 1995 called The Fragile Middle Class which totally blew me away.”
Q: New York Knicks
A: “Never gonna have another winning season under current ownership.”
Q: New York Yankees
A: “I still can’t believe George Steinbrenner disrespected Yogi Berra, Ron Guidry and Joey D. the way he did. He’s downstairs right now, working it off.”
Q: New York Jets
A: “Never gonna have another winning season under current ownership.”
When asked to elaborate, the self-described New York sports fan said Jets loyalists were such a nuisance during Super Bowl III in 1969 that he soured on them afterward. That’s why the franchise has only 18 winning seasons in its 63 season history.
“I really cannot emphasize how distracting trivial prayers are for me,” God said. “Remember when Fredo got shot in the head in Godfather II after saying a Hail Mary while fishing? There are days when I wish I could do that to everybody.”
God cited the 160,000 people who lost their lives in the 2010 Haitian Earthquake as an example of what can happen when he’s deluged with trivial requests. He blamed that maelstrom on an All-Caps Twitter tantrum by former professional football player Stevie Johnson.
“It’s hard to stay focused amidst all these trivial distractions,” God said.
The Buffalo Bills wide receiver attacked God on Twitter that year after dropping a game winning pass against the Pittsburgh Steelers.
Johnson is out of football now in what God called a clear case of cause and effect. The former wide-out is currently employed as a line worker for Claxton Poultry in tiny Claxton, Ga. – fruitcake capital of the world.
“I suppose that’s my fault too,” God said sarcastically. “‘Dear God I didn’t get laid last night, why do you do me like that.’ How these motherfuckers figure they’re religious is a source of constant amazement to me.”
The Deity was surprisingly sensitive to criticism.
He lashed out at View Co-host Meghan McCain at one point in the show for raising the issue of his failure to prevent the Rwandan Civil War and genocide. The conflict between the Hutu and Tutsi tribes claimed 1 million lives in 1994.
“You’re complicit in this shit Meghan,” God said. “How many times do you call out my name when you’re masturbating in the shower each morning. You think I don’t hear that junior high school nonsense?”
God said the frivolous prayers of spoiled rich kids like McCain hinder his ability to focus on unfolding crises. The trust fund baby is the daughter of former Republican presidential candidate John McCain, a member of the infamous Keating Five.
“For you to ask me about something like that is the height of hypocrisy Meghan,” God said. “Do you have any idea how distracting it is every time you pray for help with simple spelling and basic math? Ever heard of Google? Ever heard of taking the lord’s name in vain? It’s time for you to start doing your own work my child. Been time.”
The show closed with co-host Whoopi Goldberg asking God what was the biggest surprise about being an all-powerful Lord and Savior. The deity didn’t mince words, saying First Lady Melania Trump prays to him several times a day for the death of her spouse.
“Melania always makes exactly the same request every night,” he said. “She always pleads with me to take her husband. I shit you not. And she doesn’t care whether he goes up, down or sideways.”
Sadly for Melania, The Moron President may be the safest 71-year-old on Planet Earth.
“If you think I want that rich jackass up here with me, or Lucifer wants him downstairs with him, you better think again,” God said. “Sheeit, you dumb fucks elected him. You keep him. Seems to me that’s the proper penance for taking American democracy for granted. Wouldn’t you say?”
