Embattled President Donald Trump would never get laid if he was poor or middle class, according to a new poll by The Gallup Organization.
Ninety percent of the 5,041 women surveyed said the former trust fund baby’s mating rights are rooted firmly in his wallet, and his other qualities fall well short of competitive norms in the dating arena. When asked if the 72-year-old would be an involuntary celibate (InCel) if he was poor or working class, 98 percent of respondents said “absolutely” and 2 percent said “probably.”
The Gallup poll has a margin for error of 653.1 percent
“No decent woman would touch that sleazy motherfucker,” said Carmen Deeaz, 53, of the Bronx. “I mean come on. Let’s be real for a moment. Without his money, Trump is one of those guys praying to God for some pussy every night of his life.”
Lilly Wang, 43, of Peoria, Ill., sounded a similar refrain.
“Every woman knows a guy like Trump, but without his money,” Wang said, adjusting a bra strap. “They’re either growing old alone or coming home from overseas with some bar girl on their arm with shoe polish eyebrows.”
Jackie Boatwright, 61, of Portal, Ga., said she had an uncle like Trump once. He had a dungeon in the basement of his house.
“He used to talk about it all the time – like it was a big joke – but most of us thought there might be some truth to the story,” Boatwright said. “Thank God for sex workers, because without them the rape rate for InCels would be considerably higher than it already is.”
Ellen Flowers, 29, of Manhattan, recalled taking the bus and subway two hours each way on one date with a working class man she liked. However, she said she wouldn’t walk five minutes for Trump.
“Money is nice, but it doesn’t buy you six orgasms, one right after the other, until you forget your own name,” Flowers said, pensively fingering her necklace. “I’m sorry, what was the question again?”
The politically damaging findings of the Gallup poll dovetail with those from a Pew Foundation survey of 3,112 involuntary celibate men conducted last week. The telephone survey found that seven out of 10 men who have never had a girlfriend list Trump as either a “personal hero” or “role model.”
The Pew survey has a margin for error of 233.7 percent
Axel Cohrea, 63, of Alexandria, Va., said that if he was born into billons he’d be just like Trump, who evaded the draft five times during the Vietnam War. Companies affiliated with Trump have declared bankruptcy five times, and more than 20,000 liens have been filed against him in courts by contractors seeking upaid wages.
“We’re so alike,” said Cohrea, a National Park Service Policeman who wears a bright red Make American Great Again thong under his uniform. “People are jealous of him and envious of the way he treats women. Instead of worshipping them, he bends them to his will. That’s what a real man does.”
Cohrea claims two sexual experiences. One with a first cousin who is now a lesbian and a second with a local woman while he was deployed to Manas Air Base in Kyrgyzstan. Also, now a lesbian.
“Sure I’ve been laid,” Cohrea said. “Big time.”
The Pew and Gallup polls cap a disastrous month of polling for the floundering Trump Administration, which is commonly referred to as “The Moron Presidency” by political insiders.
Trump’s disapproval rating reached a record high in the latest Washington Post-ABC News poll, with three out of five Americans (60 percent) disapproving of his performance as president. Almost half of those surveyed said Congress should start impeachment proceedings, with 90 percent of likely voters saying he should be stripped of all wealth if convicted and confined to a small cell with a bull queer who makes him urinate sitting down.
A Cynical Times/Daily Show poll of 4,121 women with tramp stamps named “Tiffany” found that the two most highly cited word associations for Trump were “little dick mofo” and “not if he was the last man on Earth, I had one day to live, and my vagina was on fire.”
A poll conducted by 411Communications in Tampa found that Trump’s name recognition among nursing home patients and people in persistent vegetative states was higher than any other politician. However, most of those surveyed thought he was a Jello flavor.
“Trump?” said Mary Jo Favors, 101, of St. Rita’s Nursing Home in Chalmette, La. “I have a bowl every night, even though it makes me gassy.”
The current economic conditions gauge of The University of Michigan consumer sentiment index fell to its lowest level in two years in August. The causes of the decline were less favorable assessments of buying conditions, caused by worries about Trump’s increasingly erratic behavior.
“Trump is a political aberration,” said Robert Curtin, the UMich director of consumer surveys. “He’s an absolute moron elected by other absolute morons. On the plus side, he does provide people of marginal intelligence with a much needed form of political empowerment.”
Two common questions in the monthly UNMich survey are whether Republicans have lessened their extreme optimism under Trump, and whether Democrats lessened their extreme pessimism. The numbers were unchanged in August
Ninety-six percent of Republicans said they thought things were going “swimmingly” under Trump, with the U.S. military conducting active combat operations in seven nations and the true unemployment rate at 40 percent.
Meanwhile, a similar number of Democrats and Independents continued to view the Russian Puppet as a “clueless asshole.”
A TASS survey in June found that 95 percent of Russian commissars felt they had gotten their money’s worth out of the Trump presidency. With 98 percent describing him to the Russian news service as “the best value” in political bribery ever.
“You can’t find a better value for your bribery dollar right now than the Trump Administration and the U.S. Congress,” said Russian President Vladimir Putin. “The return on investment for us has been nothing less than spectacular.”
