Bryan Power Named Cynical’s Token Wingnut

I used to frequent a crowded halal butcher shop in Northern New Jersey which specialized in freshly slaughtered chickens and goats.

I’d watch the staff butcher the critters and hose down their crowded animal holding area as I awaited my order. Hundreds of feathered and furry residents passed through its cages each week, with one notable exception.

The lone survivor was a wiry hen with no name, whose body was mottled with bare patches from being hit with the power washer by the workers she continually eluded. This old girl was so adept at darting between the wheels of the rolling cages they eventually stopped trying to catch her and adopted her as the store mascot.

Sure she was crazy, stupid and obstinate, but she was also scrappy and entertaining. Just like Bryan Power, the unwanted and unwelcome Ron Paul loyalist who just can’t seem to get enough of The Cynical Times’ Facebook community and the principled liberals on our staff.

What’s the attraction?

I have no idea, but fuggit, he’s been around a couple months now. Long enough that if we don’t formalize his status and put him to work he could file a Federal Wage and Hour complaint against us for unpaid wages.

So, instead of booting Mr. Power as I do with most conservative blowhards, I’m hereby naming him our first Token Wingnut.

Sure Bryan is a pain in the ass, but he’s our pain in the ass. Not only that, but I think he serves a purpose.

Mr. Power is kind of like the 10th man the Israelis use on their military planning staffs. You know, the contrary dude whose sole job is to challenge conventional wisdom and irritate the hell out of everyone else?

Bottom line, if you can’t defend your posts against Bryan in the friendly confines of a liberal website devoted to the faltering middle class you may not be ready to champion them in a public forum filled with working class dupes of the Right Wing Noise Machine.

I’ll be honest, I kind of like Mr. Power. He’s got a cool last name. He never gets mad and he seems to favor really tacky Dan Hardy-style T-shirts.

Bottom line, he’s growing on me. Just like shower fungus.

To quote Squire ‘Red’ Will Danaher from the classic film The Quiet Man, “I’ve taken a real likings to you Mister Power.”

So, starting now, you’re officially a member of the staff. Sans editing privileges and pay.

You don’t have to do anything different. Just be yourself.

I’d ask you not to mess with anyone, or employ caustic terms like “libtard” and “snowflake,” but I think we all know that’s not going to happen.

Victor Epstein is Editor-in-Chief of The Cynical Times, a progressive news and satirical website devoted to the faltering middle class.


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