Conservative groups exhibited some of the highest levels of sexual frustration and aggression in the history of The Cynical Times’ Annual Index of American Politics and Sex this year, according to findings released Sunday by the nonpartisan group.
The clinical study of 5,000 Americans between the ages of 16 and 90 found that members of The Right were more likely to be angry and horny, to be selfish lovers, and to pay for sex than other members of the political spectrum. With the sole exception of Hillbots – the Corporate Democrats who habitually put party loyalty ahead of national loyalty by turning a blind eye to rampant political corruption in their political machine
Meanwhile, Berners, Liberals and Antifascists received high marks for having sex like a boss and having satisfied partners. The full results are available in chart form in the lead photo of this article. Just right click on the pic of the chart and select “open image in new tab” to see it in detail.
“The big surprise for me was that the only groups which didn’t engage in frequent masturbation were the Nazis and The Wingnuts, who both finished in the money for erectile dysfunction,” said Survey Director Sebastian Hugenuts. “You’d expect that kind of thing from Wingnuts – given how many of them are nursing home residents – but the Nazis present themselves as young and virile. In other news, now we know why they’re always so pissed off.”
Former presidential candidate Bernie Sanders said the results confirm his long held suspicion that his supporters were “some bad mamba jambas.” The U.S. Senator from Vermont and his wife Jane O’Meara have been married 30 years.
“My people are pretty laid back and with good reason,” Sanders said, putting an arm around O’Meara. “How about it honey?”
“Happy as a clam at high water,” she said.
Meanwhile, gun nuts scored poorly in every favorable category and high in every negative category with one small exception: Special Forces members and alumni.
Democrats were the only group in the survey which preferred to pay for sex even though its members didn’t have to pay for sex.
“We still don’t know what that means,” said Hugenuts.
The Cynical Times study produced results for 15 political groups in nine categories, ranging from “have sex like a boss” to “E.D.” It has a margin for error of 91.1 percent.
The study has received criticism in recent years from GLAAD, formerly the Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation, for not including categories that directly address the gay, lesbian, bi, trans, butch, bear, pan, gender fluid, furries, androgynous, nonbinary, Cisgender, BDSM, queer, questioning, fish, breeder, leather, twink, metrosexual, sapiosexual, cosplay and the Buck Naked at Burning Man lifestyles.
“We’d like to make everyone happy, but there are only so many columns and rows t
hat you can fit on a single computer screen,” said Hugenuts. “We’re going to throw them a bone next year – no pun intended – and add new categories for ‘out and proud’ and ‘closeted and miserable’ and see if we can identify exactly what role closeted gays play in the annual CPAC jamboree.”
The Conservative Political Action Committee, also known as CPAC, is an annual meeting of hypocrites and selfish sonsabitches who take pride in the suffering of the masses.
Editors Note 1: The Cynical Times apologizes for including members of traditional victims groups in its satirical articles just like everyone else. We’ll try to do a better job of stigmatizing you all in the future.
Editors Note 2: Satire is not fake news. Fake news is meant to deceive, whereas satire is meant to entertain and always lets the reader in on the gag at some point. Any humorless mofo who posts some nonsense on social media about this article being fake news, without reading it first, will be skinned alive.
