Ivana Trump, Marla Maples and Melania Trump challenged porn star Stormy Daniels‘ comparison of the president’s abnormally small penis to a “toadstool” Friday, during a joint appearance on The Jimmy Dore Show.
However, they confirmed Donald Trump is a lousy lay and a selfish lover who refers to his own penis as “Air Force One.” Their remarks spurred a one-day sell-off on The New York Stock Exchange, which lost 1.7 percent of its value.
“I wouldn’t call first penis a toadstool dah-link,” said first wife Ivana, 69. “It remind me of geoduck. You know this thing – yes? – is like big clam that look like little dick.”
A geoduck is a mud-burrowing mollusk with a phallic shape (below right).
Ivana went on to compare the mouth-feel and flavor of the presidential penis to andouille sausage.
“Especially right after golf,” she said.
Facebook Founder Mark Zuckerberg immediately ordered the social media giant to censor any and all posts referencing the presidential penis to prevent a constitutional crisis of confidence in the country’s chief cocksman.
“These comments threaten the traditional virility of the nation’s highest office and undermine our cocksman in chief,” Zuckerberg said. “For that reason, they must be suppressed. God wills it.”
Marla Maples, wife No. 2 from 1993 to 1999 and mistress No. 1 from 1989 to 1992, echoed Ivana’s remarks about Donnie Trust Fund’s shortcomings.
“I always th0ught of the president’s peepee as being more like a small corn dog or a Vienna sausage than a mushroom,” said Maples, who is mother to one of the five surviving Trump sperm. “It’s small and it’s chewy. The texture is meaty, but not fish-like.”
Maples’ Facebook account was immediately unpublished Friday afternoon, after Facebook received a catch-and-kill payment of $34,000 from billionaire Charles Koch. It was restored a few minutes later after a $50,000 resurrection payment from billionaire Warren Buffett.
Melania Trump, wife No. 3 since 2005 and mistress No. 2 from 1998 to 1999, said she thought of the president’s cannoli cannon as being more like a big gummy bear or even a gummy fish.
“It’s soft and chewy, just like Swedish Fish,” she said. “He no really get wood. He old man. He 71. When he get wood he fart and pass out now.”
At which point an exasperated Ivana chimed in: “Trust me dah-link, you not missing anything.”
All three panelists acknowledged seeking solace in the arms of their various bodyguards during their time with Trump. The five-time draft evader inherited a real estate empire from Daddy and would have died a virgin without his family’s money.
The panel discussion was prompted by the release of Daniels’ new book “Full Disclosure.” A review copy obtained by The Guardian newspaper describes the president as possessing “Yeti pubes and a dick like the mushroom character” in the Mario Kart video game.
Daniels’ body of work includes such films as Hot Showers 6, Trailer Trash 6 and Busty Beauties 2. She is a six-time Adult Video News Award winner and has been nominated 28 times for everything from Best Couples Sex Scene to Best All Girl Sex Scene. The Louisiana native’s real name is Stephanie Gregory Clifford.
The sex worker recalled a 2006 affair with Trump and the resulting relationship, which extended into 2007. She said the future president’s penis was “smaller than average” but “not freakishly small,” and had a “huge mushroom head (like) a toadstool.”
Their first sexual encounter allegedly occurred at a celebrity golf tournament in Lake Tahoe, California.
“It may have been the least impressive sex I’d ever had,” Daniels said of her coupling with the most unpopular president in modern American history. A boorish rich ass so universally despised by his fellow Americans that his name has become synonymous with the terms “toxic elite,” “trust fund baby,” “country club commando,” and “silver spoon motherfucker.”
Trump has denied having an affair with Daniels. However, everyone knows Donnie Bagadonuts is a compulsive liar, according to Ivana.
“Dah-link, if you told me he fuck dog I believe,” she said. “This man is pig with no impulse control. No shame.”
Trump has admitted paying his personal lawyer $130,000 in hush money for Daniels.
In a series of posts on his Twitter account, Trump said that he felt victimized by the “fake accounts” about his “thundering manhood,” which he described as “huge and majestic” by any reasonable standard.
“Stormy Daniels can say whatever she likes, but we both know it was the best 90 seconds of her life,” he said. “King Kong ain’t got shit on me.”
Foreign leaders generally declined comment on the debate about Trump’s penis. With the sole exception of German Chancellor Angela Merkel, who said “words fail.”
“I never thought I’d see the day when I’d feel sorry for America,” she added.
A website associated with the Al Quaeda terror movement posted the photo below, beside the two-word caption “America’s Best.”