Veterinarians Label Sanders a Chocolate Lab

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Presidential Candidate Bernie Sanders is the political equivalent of a chocolate lab, according to a recent poll of 500 veterinarians by the American Kennel Association.

The survey generated some interesting results about the dog breeds each presidential candidate most closely embodies. Eighty-eight percent of respondents labeled Sanders a lovable Chocolate Lab by virtue of his protective and affectionate stance toward the middle class and his principled and sunny disposition. Hillary Clinton was tagged as a Jack Russell terrier and Donald Trump was paired with a Chow Chow.

The telephone survey was conducted May 1-3 by the nonpartisan Institute for Painful Truths (IPT). It had a margin for error of 2.1 Percent.

“The Labrador Retriever is a great family dog – just like Bernie Sanders – by virtue of its loyal, loving, affectionate and patient temperament,” said Vet Jenny Mensch of Telluride, Colo. “Highly intelligent, good-natured, and eager to please, the Lab is a watchdog, not a guard dog. Which is what we need in the White House after so many years of endless war and so many trillions of tax dollars being diverted to Wall Street via private military contractors, for-profit colleges and bank bailouts.”

Donald Trump was second in the IPT results, with 76 percent of respondents describing him as possessing the combative and aggressive temperament of a poorly trained Chow Chow. The purple-tongued Chow is responsible for more bites every year than any other breed. 

Numerous vets and animal behavior experts said they saw parallels between the bitey breed and the infamous silver spoon mofo, who was born into billions and never properly socialized as a child. Neither is a welcome sight at most municipal dog parks.

“Not known for being particularly lovey-dovey, the Chow isn’t the teddy bear he appears to be,” according to the VetStreet.com website. “He’s intelligent but stubborn, and may require a lot of training before you get the results you’re looking for. This breed is wary of strangers and may be aggressive toward dogs from other homes.”

Trump gained fame when he humiliating employees by firing them on a Reality TV show that was the modern equivalent of the public executions and bear baitings of old. The 69-year-old real estate magnate is known for his unreasoning fear of people from other cultures, which he apparently views solely as a source of gullible female company. He advocates building a wall between the U.S. and Mexico, and banning entry to any Islamic immigrants who are not members of the Saudi royal family which bankrolled the 9/11 attacks.

“I hate to bash any dog breed, but Chows can be a nightmare when they’re not properly trained early on,” said nationally recognized dog expert Joan Braley of Florida. “They’re bitey, entitled and overly territorial. Just like Donald Trump.”

Chows begin to lose their vision in middle age, particularly when overweight, as folds of fatty flesh around their eyes begin to obscure their vision of the world around them. Making it appear darker and more menacing than it actually is, according to vets.

Hillary Clinton was most closely affiliated with the Jack Russell. The greedy terrier was selected as her No.1 match by 65 percent of the vets in the IPT survey. It’s known for being courageous, selfish, ruthless and stubborn. 

“When a Jack Russell wants something from you it doesn’t matter if you want it, they’ll force their needs and wants down your throat – just like Hillary,” said Phil Fresso, owner of the Hot Paw Animal Clinic in Bayonne, New Jersey. “The concept of right and wrong just does not come into a Jack Russsell’s thought process. If they want a treat, they’ll tear your home apart looking for it and if they want a kiss it’s always on their terms.

“Owners are just an obstacle to be overcome for this greedy breed,” Fresso added. “They view them as a source of food to be manipulated and exploited, in much the same way Hillary seems to rediscover poor and middle class voters come election time.”

Many vets compared the soul-numbing persistence of a Jack Russell with the legalized bribes Hillary has taken from the Too Big to Fail banks responsible for the Great Recession, like Morgan Stanley and Lehman Brothers. The former U.S. Secretary of State “charged” them a staggering $200,000 per appearance – nearly four times the annual median U.S. household income.

Clinton, 68, is under investigation by the FBI and has balked at sharing transcripts of her bank speeches with voters.

Clinton took in $675,000 alone from Goldman Sachs for three engagements between June and October of 2013 – easily outstripping the hourly rate upscale hookers charge in the Starz sitcom “The Girlfriend Experience.”

Bill and Hillary Clinton have generated $153 million in legal bribes from monied interests since February 2001, according to CNN. The political hookers gave 729 speeches from February 2001 until May of this year, receiving an average payday of $210,795 for each. The Arkansas couple also reported at least $7.7 million for at least 39 speeches to big banks, according to CNN.

Presenting the bribes as speaking fees makes them legal.

“You have to admire the Clintons’ durability and persistence, which is very terrier-like,” said Louise and Martine Fokkens, 73. The twin sisters reigned as the oldest hookers in Amsterdam before retiring in 2013. 

Hillary’s willingness to pose as a New Yorker to secure a Senate seat from that state’s hopelessly corrupt Democratic machine in 2001 was characterized as “classic Jack Russell bullshit” by one survey respondent.

Another vet applied the same term to the $600,000 a year job Clinton secured for her daughter Chelsea as a senior reporter at MSNBC, even though the slow-moving child had never worked as a journalist before. The younger Clinton quickly built a reputation for being sheltered, lazy and as intellectually nimble as a bag of hammers. She was best known for conducting field interviews from the comfort and safety of her limousine and insisting peers refer to her as “Miss Chelsea” off camera.

“Conducting interviews in a limo in working class neighborhoods like the Bronx and Newark gives the peasants – I mean the people – we’re trying to connect with a thrill,” Chelsea explained to fellow MSNBC national correspondents Meghan McCain and Jenna Hager Bush. “I also like to think it tells them I’m one of them. And that I struggle with the same concerns as they do about affordable heathcare and daycare, finding a decent job, making ends meet, and keeping my dad away from any living creature that’s still warm and not moving too fast.”

U.S. Sen Ted Cruz (R-Texas) is no longer in the presidential race, after withdrawing May 3 in the face of withering criticism from Trump, his former college roommate, fellow Republicans in Congress, Mother Teresa, Dr. Ruth, Gandhi, Bishop Tutu, Kermit the Frog, Mister Rogers, and former child star Malcolm-Jamal Warner. The vet survey was conducted prior to his withdrawal and the results were included in the final report posted on the IPT website.

IPT survey respondents were universal in associating Cruz with the Chinese Crested – a breed that routinely dominates Ugly Dog contests around the globe by virtue of its calculating appearance.

“Cruz and the Chinese Crested are a two-foot putt in my opinion,” said Pammie Hirschenbaum, a zoologist and animal behaviorist from Connecticut. “Just look at them. Have you ever seen two faces that scream ‘hide the kids and the checkbook’ more? I think not.”

Cruz first rose to national attention in a bit part in the 1980 parody film “Airplane.” The 45-year-old religious extremist played a panicked female passenger who was attacked by her fellow fliers, who formed a queue in the aircraft’s narrow aisle to take turns pummeling her (click pic at right for video).

Widely disparaged by American citizens born in the U.S., the Canadian-born Cruz has been lauded as a “sex crime waiting to happen” by those close to him and slapped with nicknames like “Wormtongue” – an apparent reference to the conniving villain of the same name in the Lord of the Rings film trilogy. Former House Speaker John Boehner, a master of understatement, called the former college debate champion “Lucifer in the flesh” in a speech to Standford University students.

The slur sparked an immediate response from former House majority leader Tom DeLay of the Alexander Strategy Group in Washington, D.C.

“John Boehner owes our client – The Deceiver who leads humanity astray – an immediate apology,” Delay said in an email statement to members of the National Press Club, noting that both words in his client’s primary title are capitalized.airplane

The release prompted a rare front-page correction from The New York Times, which erroneously assumed the client was Cruz.

Tony DeJesus, executive director of the Chinese Crested Dog Rescue Service, also issued a release seeking an apology from IPT for comparing Cruz with the dog breed.

“This kind of negative attention only makes our job that much harder, no matter how accurate the comparison,” DeJesus said in a prepared statement. “We already have more abandoned Chinese Cresteds on our hands than we can place. This survey is a disaster for us. It’s very unfair to the dogs.”