President Donald Trump named basketball great Shaquille O’Neal and the cartoon character of “The General” as the 27th and 28th National Security Advisers in United States history Friday, in a controversial move openly ridiculed by his political opponents.
The television pitchmen for The General Automobile Insurance Services, Inc., replace Lt. Gen. H.R. McMaster at a turbulent time for the Trump Administration. The U.S. Army veteran is the latest member of the president’s inner circle to be forced out for failing to make him feel good about himself.
Trump fired Secretary of State Rex Tillerson earlier this week. Top economic adviser Gary Cohn reportedly resigned in disgust over the president’s needless trade war.
Nevertheless, Shaq said he was honored by the opportunity.
“I welcome this opportunity to establish a solid defensive presence in the paint for the American people, as I did during my lengthy professional basketball career,” O’Neil said during a Rose Garden appearance with The Donald. “You know, when I was coming up, people loved and respected the President and Congress, and I want to be the one to bring that back.”
The 7’1” center has no military or law enforcement experience. However, he did live on a military base as a child and has worked as an unpaid sheriff’s deputy. Trump said Shaq will be the tallest National Security Adviser in U.S. history and The General will be the shortest.
“Shaq’s lack of experience is irrelevant because his sidekick is a five star general with decades of military experience,” Trump said. “It doesn’t hurt that they’re both well known and beloved by the public.”
Presidential Spokeswoman Sarah “My Daddy is Rich” Huckabee, issued a press release immediately after the press conference indicating Trump is fully aware The General is a cartoon character. It attempted to clarify the lingering question of whether the Commander-in-Chief is the “Dumbest Mofo on Planet Earth.”
McMaster and Trump “never gelled,” according to political insiders. Mostly, because the military veteran refused to be the little spoon and had a penchant for entering the Oval Office in full uniform and night-time vision gear.
The West Point graduate, who anchored the Army’s competitive Bocce Ball Team in his youth, said the breaking point in their relationship occurred when the billionaire heiress insisted on being called “Mein Fuhrer.”
“I don’t mind searching for his rubber ducky while he bathes,” McMaster said, “but I draw the line at that Nazi stuff.”
A highly placed source within the White House, who bears a close resemblance to the 71-year-old president, said the appointments of Shaq Fu and The General are part of a new political strategy to blur the lines between politics and entertainment. Trump’s grand strategy includes replacing Education Secretary Betsy DeVos with “Mr. Garrison,” the cartoon teacher from the South Park television series. Optimus Prime, star of the Transformers film franchise, is slated to succeed Tillerson at State.
House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) accused Trump of making a mockery of the executive branch. She said the Shaq and General appointments were “ridiculous.” Pelosi has made a small fortune by using her Congressional exemption from insider trading laws to participate in initial public offerings for companies with pending legislation.
“I may be a crook, but at least I’m an honest crook,” Pelosi said. “I don’t degrade people like this sadistic piece of garbage. Trump is the best argument for legal abortion on demand I’ve ever seen.”
The White House turbulence has left key staffers gripped with fear and uncertainty as they react to an impulsive narcissist who enjoys stoking conflict. Trump was known for torturing dogs and cats as a child and was reportedly detained twice for animal cruelty in his 40s during his time at The New York Military Academy.
Presidential counselor KellyAnne Conway suffered an anxiety attack Friday morning after hearing a rumor she was about to be replaced by Cruella De Vil, the cartoon villain from the film “101 Dalmatians.” The professional liar was resting comfortably at press time after being dewormed at the VCA Alexandria Animal Clinic.
The mood inside the White House in recent days is increasingly manic, with aides struggling to determine when the sadistic president is joking and serious. They appear almost as characters in an absurdist farce — openly joking about whose career might end with the next presidential tweet.
Ben Carson, the Secretary of Housing and Urban Development, is the odds-on favorite as Trump seeks to replace him with a person of color in the key cabinet post, according to the Paddy Power betting website.
“The Trump White House is like 9/11 attacks in the sense that the Russians have succeeded beyond their wildest dreams,” Physicist Stephen Hawking said in a prepared statement from beyond the grave. “They were hoping to stir up some mischief by backing Trump for the presidency in 2016. They never imagined he’d win, let alone cause the entire American political system to totter in the wind like a rotten tree trunk.”