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February 28 2017 - VJ Epstein
Interview with a Moo Cow
Dear fellow progressives, I have a confession to make: I like my steak well done with ketchup just like Herr Trump. And I resent the elitist comments being circulated lately in the public forum about the proper way to eat a steak. It's the same kind of rich people nonsense that got Hillary bounced out of the election on her royal wannabee ass.Your criticism of well done and medium well is pure tyranny. On a par with the Birther nonsense about whether former president Barack Obama was born in the...

June 7 2016 - Victor Epstein
Trump Orders Surrogates to Get Laid More
A bloated and randy Donald Trump urgently called upon his most visible supporters to have sex more often and consume fewer gassy foods Tuesday. “I cannot emphasize the importance of my sexual and physical welfare enough – particularly to you surrogates,” Trump said during the conference call. “Look folks, I’m dying here,” Trump said. “I’m as horny as a dog in heat and as gassy as a Mexican day laborer. You guys have got to start eating right and you have got to start getting me some trim quick...

June 2 2016 - Victor Epstein
Cynical Times editor trolls Clinton stronghold
Victor Epstein was cruising his Facebook timeline alone Thursday afternoon, buck naked in the privacy of his living room, when the break in the social media clouds he’d been hoping for finally arrived. The editor of the Cynical Times news and satire website had just been approved to join the President Hillary Clinton Facebook page. The steely eyed Bernie Sanders loyalist faced a difficult choice with his coffee cup nearly empty and his bladder about to burst: Attack the unsuspecting Clinton loya...

May 27 2016 - Victor Epstein
Breaking News: Brokeback recharges cast
Hugh Jackman and Russell Crowe have been tagged to replace the feuding stars of the big budget remake of Brokeback Mountain in a last minute bid to save the floundering production, according to New Line Cinema.The Australian actors will reprise the roles Jake Gyllenhaal and the late Heath Ledger made famous in the original version of  the classic film, the Warner Brothers subsidiary announced Friday. The off-screen pals replace feuding stars Idris Elba and Bradley Cooper.The original groundbreak...

May 23 2016 - VJ Epstein
Madonna defends flawed Prince "tribute"
Madonna Louise Ciccone, the aging singer known simply as "Madonna" before money and fame ruined her, lashed out Monday at critics of her opportunistic tribute to Prince Rogers Nelson.The 57-year-old acknowledged that her lip-synced renditions of "Nothing Compares 2 U" and "Purple Rain" during Sunday's Billboard Music Awards broadcast were stale, opportunistic and uninspired. However, she derided accusations that she's just another money grubbing fame addict seeking to exploit the legacy of fello...

May 19 2016 - Victor Epstein
News Alert: Hillary defects to Republican Party
Presidential front-runner Hillary Rodham Clinton announced Thursday that she is abandoning Democrats and returning to her conservative roots in a bid to save a Republican Party tossed into chaos by the mercurial rise of Reality TV Star Donald Trump.The unprecedented political realignment means the longtime Democrat is switching sides less than six months before the November presidential election. Rodham Clinton, 68,  said she decided to defect after a series of private meetings with House Speake...

May 27 2012 - Tommie Paine
Fox Inks $250 Million Deal With God
Fox News has reached a deal with God that will have the Almighty anchoring its evening news broadcast, which is set to be renamed "Straight Outta Heaven." The four-year deal features an annual base salary of $62.5 million, making the Almighty the highest paid journalist on the planet, according to Fox News President Roger Ailes. It could be worth twice that amount if he draws a dominant share of viewers in the hyper-competitive 5 p.m. to 7 p.m. EST time slot. Additional incentives are tied to me...

December 21 2011 - Victor Epstein
Brady & Bundchen Build Mansion for Needy Activists
Professional athlete Tom Brady and professional model Gisele Bundchen, apparently guilt-ridden over the vapid nature of their own shallow lives, are building a 22,000 square-foot mansion in Los Angeles for the pro-democracy activists of the Occupy Wall Street movement. Brady and Bundchen are the planet's highest paid couple - with an estimated $76 million in annual earnings. They said initial reports that they intended to live alone with their infant son Ben in the sprawling mansion, which is bi...

January 18 2012 - Victor Epstein
Zealot wants "Modern Family" pulled
Let's get this straight McKay Hatch, you and your "Campaign Against Cussing" have crossed the motherfucking line with your recent attack on the Modern Family TV show and decent hardworking people like me are not going to take it anymore. We're fighting for basic survival in the worst economic climate for the American middle class in nearly a century and you and your fellow religious nuts are worried about cusswords? Are you out of your intolerant 18-year-old mind? Look kid, I'm worried about p...

May 8 2012 - Tommie Paine
Transactional relationships of the Imbecile 1 Percent
Uber-hoochie Linda Evangelista succeeded in shaking down French billionaire Francois-Henri Pinault on Monday after a bout of buyer’s remorse over the terms of their 2006 coupling. The incident is the latest example of the inherent instability of the transactional relationships favored by the Imbecile 1 Percent. Details of the deal were not disclosed to the press by Evangelista. The former supermodel told the court she was laying out $46,000 a month to care for their 5-year-old son “Augie” due to...

June 15 2015 - Tommie Paine
Whitfield Apologizes for Appearance of Journalism
CNN Anchor Fredericka Whitfield apologized Monday for not behaving more like a Faux News pseudo journalist, right-wing lapdog, and beneficiary of the status quo. Whitfield was seeking to defuse a social media brouhaha that began Saturday when she described an attack by a lone gunman named James Boulware on a building full of armed police officers in Dallas as "courageous and brave, if not crazy as well." The accurate remarks sparked outrage among those on the far right who enjoy watching large...

September 21 2015 - VJ Epstein
Trump camp adopts “keep hope alive” slogan
The campaign of Republican presidential frontrunner Donald Trump announced Monday that it’s adopting “keep hope alive” as its new mantra. The catchphrase previously served as the slogan for one-time Democratic presidential hopeful Jesse Jackson, who also unsuccessfully pursued the nation’s highest office in 1984 and 1988. It will complement the Trump team’s existing “Make America Great Again” catchphrase, rather than replace it, according to Campaign Man...

February 13 2016 - Cynical Times
No fascist, no cry ... No fascist, no cry
Cynical is channeling the late great Bob Marley tonight with this meme as we reflect on the untimely death of divisive U.S. Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia and Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell's insistence his replacement be appointed by the next president....

April 1 2016 - VJ Epstein
Who wore it better?
The working class heroes laboring on your behalf here at The Cynical Times are always on the lookout for a new way to add some value to the gutless, milquetoast pablum you're regularly spoonfed by the mainstream snooze media. With that lofty goal in mind we're launching a new segment called "who wore it better," in a bid to cover the crucial comedic intersection of fashion and politics in the evaporating democracy that is the United States of Corporate...

May 5 2016 - Victor Epstein
Veterinarians Label Sanders a Chocolate Lab
Presidential Candidate Bernie Sanders is the political equivalent of a chocolate lab, according to a recent poll of 500 veterinarians by the American Kennel Association. The survey generated some interesting results about the dog breeds each presidential candidate most closely embodies. Eighty-eight percent of respondents labeled Sanders a lovable Chocolate Lab by virtue of his protective and affectionate stance toward the middle class and his principled and sunny disposition. Hillary Clinton w...

May 20 2016 - Victor Epstein
FBI culling Nordic-looking passengers from flights
White women with blonde hair were pulled from airline flights across the United States over the weekend by counter-intelligence officials seeking to stymie a possible terrorist attack.FBI Director James Comey said a recent update of his agency's standard terrorist template resulted in the removal of 15 “Nordic-looking” women from domestic flights on Saturday and 23 additional removals Sunday. He defended the “cullings” as a grim reality of the War on Terror and vowed to continue implementing the...