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November 9 2017 - VJ Epstein
U.S. Lawmakers to Introduce Robotic Citizens by 2020
Congressional Republicans and Democrats announced a tentative agreement Thursday to replace poor and middle class Americans with robots and artificial intelligence (AI) by 2020. President Trump immediately promised to sign the bill into law. House Speaker Paul Ryan (R-Wis.) and House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) described the proposed legislation as a "cost-saving measure," which will reduce both the federal debt and government spending. It will accomplish this by replacing America's...

October 22 2017 - Victor Epstein
Declassified Docos Say Trump Was Special Forces Operator
Former Navy Seal Donald Trump still recalls the morning in 1968 when he stood on the bank of the Vltava River, watching Soviet tanks enter the Czechoslovakian capital of Prague to battle his company of lightly armed freedom fighters. “That was the end of the Czech revolution for me,” Trump, now 71, recalled Tuesday. “There was no way we could stand up against Soviet tanks. I was one of the lucky ones who escaped afterward.” The 21-year-old captain was part of an undercover intelligence tea...

October 11 2017 - Victor Epstein
Trump Threatens to Gag Critics
Embattled President Donald Trump threatened hundreds of organizations and individuals with closure and imprisonment Wednesday, singling out Tickle Me Elmo and former President Jimmy Carter for firing up the masses and inciting revolution. The Faux News propaganda network and Russia Today were the only mainstream propaganda networks to carry the six-hour address to the nation, which was ignored by MSNBC, CBS, ABC and the Public Broadcasting System. It comes one day after Trump threatened to ...

October 3 2017 - Cynical Times
Cynical Times Launches Vegas Shooting Fundraiser
The Cynical Times is holding a huge flamethrower sale to raise money for the The Right Wing Noise Machine in the wake of the Las Vegas strip shooting, which killed 60 Americans and wounded 527 on Sunday. We’re using commemorative flamethrowers to drive home The National Rifle Association’s mantra that “guns don’t kill people, people kill people" in the aftermath of the worst mass shooting in U.S. history. A massacre which would not have been possible without the group-based bias, hate-mongering...

October 3 2017 - Victor Epstein
Gun Nuts Face Shrinking Ranks After Vegas Massacre
Firearms aficionados are struggling to find the silver lining in the wake of the worst mass shooting in United States history, as a new study says they’re killing themselves off faster than the Fox News propaganda network can replenish their ranks. Gun violence is now claiming 37 Americans a day and the most likely victims are gun nuts and their friends and relatives, according to the study by Homesteaders Life Co. The funeral insurer reported that the carnage is heaviest among the reflexive ru...

September 25 2017 - VJ Epstein
Dear Vicky: Jobless Grad Frustrated by Prospects
DEAR VICKY: I’m a recent college graduate who is struggling mightily to break into my chosen field. It seems every rich kid in my graduating class has found a great full-time job, even the ones who can’t spell their own names. What gives? —FRUSTRATED IN THE BIG APPLE DEAR FRUSTRATED IN THE BIG APPLE: You’re not the only one who is vexed with our nation’s broken labor market and the dire straits you’re experiencing are not your imagination. Poor and middle class Americans have been complet...

September 11 2017 - VJ Epstein
Iowa Offers Amazon CEO “God-Like Status” in HQ Bid
Iowa surged into the lead in the race to secure Amazon’s new corporate headquarters on Monday after offering to establish the e-commerce giant as the state's One True God. The unprecedented offer comes at a time of intense competition for economic development (eco devo) prospects, as automation and offshoring continue to decimate state labor forces. The Amazon headquarters is the biggest American eco devo project in nearly a quarter century. It's expected to create 50,000 jobs for the cit...

August 28 2017 - Victor Epstein
Trump Releases Controversial Book of Poetry
President Donald Trump set the literary world aflame this week with a bizarre book of poetry which is already being denounced as "fascist porn" by the literary community and lauded by the right as a "master work."  The 789-page book, entitled "Eight Inches of Swollen Love Poems for the Loyal American," has been widely condemned by poets around the world and members of "the reality-based community."  It spurred the preemptive resignation of incoming United States Poet Laureate Tracy K. Smith...

August 27 2017 - Victor Epstein
Great Moments in Film: The Star Wars Sex Scene
The greatest moment in the history of American Cinema for me personally occurred in "Return of the Jedi," when filmmaker George Lucas introduced film-goers to the forest moon of Endor and the cuddly teddy-bears known as Ewoks. I was an 18-year-old living in the Bronx at the time. Part of a trio which scoured New York City for tickets on the film's first night in theaters, before winding up at a 1 a.m. showing in Lower Manhattan.  The precise scene in the 1983 film occured when a dazed ...

August 24 2017 - VJ Epstein
Jewish Journalist Admits Sabotaging Donnie Trump
As one of the millions of American Jews secretly committing acts of blatant anti-Semitism across this great nation to make President Donald Trump look bad, I just want to emphasize that my dirty deeds don't end there. This Bronx Jew's impact actually is more sinister and far reaching than our nation's mashuga commander-in-chief could possibly have imagined. Trump has accused me and my fellow Jews of secretly vandalizing our own cemeteries, community centers and synagogues in the wake...

August 22 2017 - VJ Epstein
Wingnuts Hit Hard by Solar Eclipse
Acting Surgeon General Sylvia Trent-Adam estimates as many as 200,000 Americans experienced partial vision loss following Monday’s solar eclipse - by far the highest total in United States history. President Donald Trump was among the injured. The injury figure dwarfs the toll from the last total eclipse visible from the U.S. in 1991. Just 21 Americans were injured in that earlier event, which was considerably more "central" by astronomical standards. Trent-Adams attributed the higher inju...

August 17 2017 - Victor Epstein
Trump Faults Both Sides in Barcelona Terror Attack
President Donald Trump said the men who drove a van into a Barcelona crowd Thursday afternoon, killing 13 and injuring more than 100, were actually victims of Western imperialism. He refused to call the incident a terrorist act. The bizarre statement came just days after the 45th president equated Nazis with the anti-fascists they attacked in Charlotteville, Va. It’s the latest contrary remark from the richest president in U.S. history, who frequently cites his own intellectual, financial and p...

August 8 2017 - Victor Epstein
Trump Announces Killing of Santa Claus
President Donald Trump announced late Sunday that Kris Kringle, the terrorist leader who put coal in his Christmas stockings, was killed in a pre-dawn firefight in the Arctic. Trump said he ordered the controversial North Pole raid, which already is being widely denounced by other world leaders. The targeted assault concludes a six-month long manhunt for the terrorist known to children worldwide as “Santa Claus," which began at Trump's Jan. 20 inauguration. American officials are apparentl...

May 19 2017 - Victor Epstein
Cynical Times starts Kickstarter campaign
Now for something completely different: What's the dichotomy between progressive activists in France and their counterparts in the United States? The French are far more aggressive. They throw firebombs, they rig factories with explosives. In short they kick ass. While we quietly take it up the proverbial rump roast. What's the difference between Ukrainian progressive activists and their U.S. counterparts? Uhhhh... (blank stare) I'm sorry, what we were we talking about again? Oh yeah. ...

March 30 2017 - Victor Epstein
Congress and Lobbyists Missing Obama
Say what you will about former president Barack Obama, but his oft-frustrated reform efforts were a windfall for the lobbyist industry and the political hookers they bribe in our nation's capitol. By contrast, the open avarice of the Trump Administration is turning out to be very bad for Beltway Insiders, according to federal lobbyists and lawmakers. It permits industries and corporations to go straight to Team Trump to purchase political protection, thereby undermining Congressional protection...

February 28 2017 - Victor Epstein
Interview with a Moo Cow
Dear fellow progressives, I have a confession to make: I like my steak well done with ketchup just like Herr Trump. And I resent the elitist comments being circulated lately in the public forum about the proper way to eat a steak. It's the same kind of rich people nonsense that got Hillary bounced out of the election on her royal wannabee ass. Your criticism of well done and medium well is pure tyranny. On a par with the Birther nonsense about whether former president Barack Obama was bor...

June 7 2016 - Victor Epstein
Trump Orders Surrogates to Get Laid More
A bloated and randy Donald Trump urgently called upon his most visible supporters to have sex more often and consume fewer gassy foods Tuesday. “I cannot emphasize the importance of my sexual and physical welfare enough – particularly to you surrogates,” Trump said during the conference call. “Look folks, I’m dying here,” Trump said. “I’m as horny as a dog in heat and as gassy as a Mexican day laborer. You guys have got to start eating right and you have got to start getting me some trim quick...

June 2 2016 - Victor Epstein
Cynical Times editor trolls Clinton stronghold
Victor Epstein was cruising his Facebook timeline alone Thursday afternoon, buck naked in the privacy of his living room, when the break in the social media clouds he’d been hoping for finally arrived.  The editor of the Cynical Times news and satire website had just been approved to join the President Hillary Clinton Facebook page. The steely eyed Bernie Sanders loyalist faced a difficult choice with his coffee cup nearly empty and his bladder about to burst: Attack the unsuspecting Clinton lo...

May 27 2016 - Victor Epstein
Breaking News: Brokeback recharges cast
Hugh Jackman and Russell Crowe have been tagged to replace the feuding stars of the big budget remake of Brokeback Mountain in a last minute bid to save the floundering production, according to New Line Cinema. The Australian actors will reprise the roles Jake Gyllenhaal and the late Heath Ledger made famous in the original version of  the classic film, the Warner Brothers subsidiary announced Friday. The off-screen pals replace feuding stars Idris Elba and Bradley Cooper. The original gro...

May 23 2016 - Victor Epstein
Madonna defends flawed Prince "tribute"
Madonna Louise Ciccone, the aging singer known simply as "Madonna" before money and fame ruined her, lashed out Monday at critics of her opportunistic tribute to Prince Rogers Nelson. The 57-year-old acknowledged that her lip-synced renditions of "Nothing Compares 2 U" and "Purple Rain" during Sunday's Billboard Music Awards broadcast were stale, opportunistic and uninspired. However, she derided accusations that she's just another money grubbing fame addict seeking to exploit the legacy of f...

May 19 2016 - Victor Epstein
News Alert: Hillary defects to Republican Party
Presidential front-runner Hillary Rodham Clinton announced Thursday that she is abandoning Democrats and returning to her conservative roots in a bid to save a Republican Party tossed into chaos by the mercurial rise of Reality TV Star Donald Trump.The unprecedented political realignment means the longtime Democrat is switching sides less than six months before the November presidential election. Rodham Clinton, 68,  said she decided to defect after a series of private meetings with House Speake...

May 27 2012 - Tommie Paine
Fox Inks $250 Million Deal With God
Fox News has reached a deal with God that will have the Almighty anchoring its evening news broadcast, which is set to be renamed "Straight Outta Heaven." The four-year deal features an annual base salary of $62.5 million, making the Almighty the highest paid journalist on the planet, according to Fox News President Roger Ailes. It could be worth twice that amount if he draws a dominant share of viewers in the hyper-competitive 5 p.m. to 7 p.m. EST time slot. Additional incentives are tied to me...

December 21 2011 - Victor Epstein
Brady & Bundchen build mansion for needy activists
Professional athlete Tom Brady and professional model Gisele Bundchen, apparently guilt-ridden over the vapid nature of their own shallow lives, are building a 22,000 square-foot mansion in Los Angeles for the pro-democracy activists of the Occupy Wall Street movement. Brady and Bundchen are the planet's highest paid couple - with an estimated $76 million in annual earnings. They said initial reports that they intended to live alone with their infant son Ben in the sprawling mansion, whi...

January 18 2012 - VJ Epstein
Zealot wants "Modern Family" pulled
Let's get this straight McKay Hatch, you and your "Campaign Against Cussing" have crossed the motherfucking line with your recent attack on the Modern Family TV show and decent hardworking people like me are not going to take it anymore. We're fighting for basic survival in the worst economic climate for the American middle class in nearly a century and you and your fellow religious nuts are worried about cusswords? Are you out of your intolerant 18-year-old mind? Look kid, I'm worrie...

May 8 2012 - Tommie Paine
Transactional relationships of the Predatory 1 Percent
Uber-hoochie Linda Evangelista succeeded in shaking down French billionaire Francois-Henri Pinault on Monday after a bout of buyer’s remorse over the terms of their 2006 coupling. The incident is the latest example of the inherent instability of the transactional relationships favored by the Predatory 1 Percent. Details of the deal were not disclosed to the press by Evangelista. The former supermodel told the court she was laying out $46,000 a month to care for their 5-year-old son “...

June 15 2015 - Tommie Paine
Whitfield Apologizes for Appearance of Journalism
CNN Anchor Fredericka Whitfield apologized Monday for not behaving more like a Faux News pseudo journalist, right-wing lapdog, and beneficiary of the status quo. Whitfield was seeking to defuse a social media brouhaha that began Saturday when she described an attack by a lone gunman named James Boulware on a building full of armed police officers in Dallas as "courageous and brave, if not crazy as well." The accurate remarks sparked outrage among those on the far right who enjoy watching large...

September 21 2015 - VJ Epstein
Trump camp adopts “keep hope alive” slogan
The campaign of Republican presidential frontrunner Donald Trump announced Monday that it’s adopting “keep hope alive” as its new mantra. The catchphrase previously served as the slogan for one-time Democratic presidential hopeful Jesse Jackson, who also unsuccessfully pursued the nation’s highest office in 1984 and 1988. It will complement the Trump team’s existing “Make America Great Again” catchphrase, rather than replace it, according to Campaign Manager Corey Lewandowski. “We feel like th...

April 1 2016 - Victor Epstein
Who wore it better?
The working class heroes laboring on your behalf here at The Cynical Times are always on the lookout for a new way to add some value to the gutless, milquetoast pablum you're regularly spoonfed by the mainstream snooze media. With that lofty goal in mind we're launching a new segment called "who wore it better," in a bid to cover the crucial comedic intersection of fashion and politics in the evaporating democracy that is the United States of Corporate America. Our inaugural celebrity wa...

May 5 2016 - Victor Epstein
Veterinarians Label Sanders a Chocolate Lab
Presidential Candidate Bernie Sanders is the political equivalent of a chocolate lab, according to a recent poll of 500 veterinarians by the American Kennel Association. The survey generated some interesting results about the dog breeds each presidential candidate most closely embodies. Eighty-eight percent of respondents labeled Sanders a lovable Chocolate Lab by virtue of his protective and affectionate stance toward the middle class and his principled and sunny disposition. Hillary Cli...

May 20 2016 - VJ Epstein
FBI culling Nordic-looking passengers from flights
White women with blonde hair were pulled from airline flights across the United States over the weekend by counter-intelligence officials seeking to stymie a possible terrorist attack. FBI Director James Comey said a recent update of his agency's standard terrorist template resulted in the removal of 15 “Nordic-looking” women from domestic flights on Saturday and 23 additional removals Sunday. He defended the “cullings” as a grim reality of the War on Terror and vowed to continue implementing...