Monetizing Royal Swag: From Shower Clogs to Semen

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In the aftermath of “The Royal Wedding That Broke The Internet,” Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are already finalizing their plans to conquer the highly competitive worlds of fashion and consumer collectibles.

The Royal Couple inked a $40 million contract with Nike on Monday that will have them sporting its famed swoosh for the next decade and made another $10 million via internet sales of blood and semen last week. They’re looking to further supplement their royal allowance by auctioning everything from used bedding to toothbrushes, toilet paper and Prince Harry’s bright red public hair.

There’s a huge and relatively untapped consumer market for Royal bodily fluids, according to the newly minted Duchess of Sussex.

“We’re getting $1 million from BioLife for each shot of Harry’s sperm and are currently negotiating a long-term exclusive contract with them,” Meghan Markle said. “Bodily fluids is where the real growth potential is for the House of Windsor in my humble opinion. Harry and William are as healthy and horny as two young bulls. The Royal Family could easily surpass $1 billion a year in revenue if Kate (Middleton) and I can manage them intelligently and get them on a healthier diet.”

Markle is a graduate of Northwestern University who founded the Tig lifestyle website and accrued 1.9 million Instagram followers before shutting it all down in April 2017 at the request of Queen Elizabeth II. The Royal Family is looking to the 36-year-old entrepreneur to help them fend off the competitive challenge posed by the libidinous Kardashian clan, which has attempted to brand its shameless members as American royalty.

The Duke and Duchess of Sussex are already taking steps to be more shameless and thereby maximize revenue from the royal accoutrement market. A Royal Sex Video is not out of the question.

“We’re getting $100 a sheet for used toilet paper on Amazon and just sold a used shower clog for $5,500 on E-Bay,” said the Duchess of Sussex. “It’s the Wild West out there for Royal minutiae and there’s no limit to what we could bring in with a properly marketed sex video.”

The former actress turned royal sausage wallet has Prince Harry on the so-called Paleo diet designed to maximize their new revenue streams from his blood, urine, feces and sperm. All of which is being marketed under the new “House of Windsor” brand name.

Markle’s three step plan for revenue growth is as follows:

Step. No. 1: Eat a lot of small meals instead of three big ones and have a lot of small bowel movements. 

Step. No. 2: Poke fun at the idiots suffering from Celebrity Worship Syndrome in a bid to shake their unhealthy delusions about being imaginary friends with two attractive strangers named “Harry” and “Meghan.” 

Step No. 3: Copulate prodigiously in the pursuit of future royals whose bodily fluids can be similarly monetized. Princess Meghan is also looking to grow The House of Windsor’s corporate footprint via acquisition.

“With the proper supplements and antibiotics, and good veterinary care, I reckon I should be able to grow the royal herd five-fold over the next decade,” she said. “I’ve already lined up a buyer for Queen Elizabeth when she passes, who is willing to pay $1,600 a pound for her. The old girl is gonna be a huge moneymaker for us.”

Queen Elizabeth II is currently 92. The queen of the United Kingdom and other Commonwealth realms is said to have mixed feelings about Harry and Meghan’s moneymaking schemes. She abhors the financial necessity for them, but welcomes the financial independence they represent for a royal family which currently costs taxpayers $441 million a year, according to Republic –  a group seeking a democratic alternative to the Monarchy.

“We are not amused,” Queen Elizabeth II said of the sex video negotiations. “We don’t mind being auctioned by the pound after our death, but we would prefer the royal sex videos be delayed until after our funeral.”

Meghan Markle said she would respect Queen Elizabeth’s wishes, even though consumer interest in the new House of Windsor line of collectibles appears to be peaking.

While in Dublin on Wednesday, the couple ran into a fan who paid $1,000 for one of Harry’s used razors and another who paid him $100 for the stub of one of his cigars. Rod McIntyre, 43, was detained by police after he offered Meghan Markle $10,000 for her panties.

“There’s a market for everything these days,” said Prince Harry. “The world is changing and the British Royal Family can’t hide from those changes.”

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