Conservatives Distance Selves From Mike Rotondo

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Conservative groups have filed suit against social media sensation Michael Rotondo, the 30-year-old gun nut who was legally evicted from his parents’ home Wednesday, in a bid to stop him from claiming to be one of their own.

“Being that the defendant is political poison who threatens my clients’ reputations merely by association, we hereby request the court direct him to refrain from publicly discussing his political viewpoints for the foreseeable future,” John Frazer, general counsel for The National Rifle Association, wrote in the legal complaint. “Or at least until he gets a job, a place of his own and cuts his hair.”

The request for a restraining order was filed in the U.S. District Court for Northern New York just hours after a lower court ordered the unemployed Millennial from his parents’ tidy, suburban home in Camillius, N.Y. At their request.

It asks that the bearded and pony-tailed Rotondo be barred from describing himself as either a member of the Alt-Right, Defender of the Second Amendment, Trump Supporter, Gun Nut, Wingnut, Conservative, or Trumplicker.

Rotondo – who goes by the online moniker “Ponytail Mike” – has become a social media sensation since appearing in court for the eviction proceeding. He requested a six month delay “to procure the means” to live on his own, and described that timeframe as “reasonable.”

“I don’t see why they can’t just, you know, wait a little bit for me to leave the house,” Rotondo told Justice Donald Greenwood of New York’s Supreme Court.

Ponytail Mike lost.

Rotondo vowed to appeal the ruling afterward on the grounds that Greenwood had an undisclosed conflict of interest as a former opponent of his in the Halo online gaming universe, which should have prompted  the judge to recuse himself from the case. Ponytail Mike made the comments during a press conference he called outside the courtroom.

“I beat the hell out of Judge Greenwood back in 2010 and I don’t think he ever got over it,” Rotondo said. “It wasn’t that hard – the man is not a serious gamer. And I’m going to house him again when I win my appeal.”

Rotondo’s conservative parents have been trying to get him to leave their home outside Syracuse, N.Y., since Feb. 2. They even offered Ponytail Mike $1,100 in relocation assistance at one point, which the able-bodied young man accepted without leaving.

He donated $500 to the Trump 2020 campaign fund the next day, according to the OpenSecrets.org political donation database. Ponytail Mike said he “invested” another $200 in a replica of the fantasy sword from the Final Fantasy video gaming world from his neighbor Dino Kazos.

“Go ahead and laugh if you want to,” said the 32-year-old Kazos, who is also unemployed and lives with his parents (right). “But that sword is going to be worth five times as much in just a few years.”

Rotondo, who suffers from Stage III Affluenza, vowed to fight the restraining order with the same intellectual vigor he displayed before Judge Greenwood. 

“I don’t see why these groups wouldn’t want me to support them, when we have so much in common,” Rotondo said, flipping his ponytail over his shoulder. “We have to defend America against the influx of job-stealing immigrants. They’re the reason I can’t find work. It’s not like I’m not trying. I’m the victim here.”

Christina and Mark Rotondo dispute that. The couple say their son is a slacker who plays video games all day, watches nothing but porn and Fox News, and refuses to help around the house. Where he occupies the master bedroom.

“He lives like a prince,” Christina Rontondo said. “I’m 64 years old. I shouldn’t be waiting hand and foot on a perfectly healthy man in the prime of his life.”

Christina and Mark Rotondo began leaving their son notes several months ago in a bid to induce him to get a job and a place of his own, without having to endure a lengthy justification of his inability to do so. One note requested Ponytail Mike sell his arsenal of expensive firearms and use the proceeds to “get a girlfriend and get the hell out already.” Another called him a “loser” who had never been laid.

Rotondo disputed the implication.

“I have too been laid,” Rotondo said, citing the presence of a young son at an undisclosed location where he is equally unwelcome.  

Rotondo’s arsenal includes an AR-15 assault rifle, a Socom 16 M1A tactical rifle, Barrett M-107 50-caliber sniper rifle, two Sig Sauer semi-automatic pistols, an Apache revolver, and a working replica of the codpiece pistol from Dusk to Dawn. He insists the arsenal is necessary to ensure his parent’s safety and that it saves lives.

“This is a dangerous world,” he said. “You never know when you might have to man up to defend yourself against a zombie apocalypse or a bunch of Liberals from New York City.

“I have a greater responsibility than my parents can possibly imagine. And while my existence might seem grotesque to them, my continued presence in their home saves lives. I am a human embodiment of President Donald J. Trump’s ‘Make America Great Again’ campaign slogan.”

When asked why he needed a 50-caliber sniper rifle, Ponytail Mike said he used the military weapon to pickoff the squirrels raiding his mom’s backyard bird feeders. A claim they confirmed.

Rotondo alleged that his parents’ attempts to remove him from the home were retaliatory, according to court records. He also asserted that for the past eight years he’s lived with them without ever being asked “to contribute to household expenses, assist with chores and the maintenance of the premises.”

Propagandist Alex Jones, host of the InfoWars online cartoon, described Rotondo as a political weapon of mass destruction. One who threatens the entire Right Wing solely by association.

“My sources tell me he’s actually an actor in the employ of Glenn Greenwald, Chris Hedges and Bernie Sanders,” Jones, who rents his forehead out as a billboard, said while ritualistically shaving his testicles.  

President Donald Trump also accused Ponytail Mike of being a “Democratic plant and a “school shooting waiting to happen.”

“A highly placed source enforms me that Mr. Rotondo is actually an employee of the Democratic National Committee and has been for some time,” Trump said in a poorly spelled tweet. “We have a paper trail linken him to $40 worth of Slim Jims that were purchased at a service station near his home this month with a DNC credit card.”

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