Conservative political hookers love to give their efforts to subvert American democracy exactly the kind of names they don’t deserve. It’s hard to tell whether these misnomers are an intentional deception or simply a byproduct of the intellectual fantasy world in which so many wealthy Americans now shelter, where paid lackeys nod like bobblehead dolls every time they speak.
When the 1% passes laws directing law enforcement officers to spy on their fellow Americans and undermine our civil rights, they call them names like “The Patriot Act;” when they create political action committees to marginalize middle-class voters via divide and conquer tactics they call them names like “Citizens United;” and when they authorize planet-scouring nuclear weapons systems, they call them names like “Peacekeeper.”
The latest red herring from the millionaires’ club known as The U.S. Congress is called the “Federal Restricted Buildings and Grounds Improvement Act of 2011.” What’s improved about it? Nothing.
HR 347 is more commonly known as the “Anti-Occupy bill.” A more apt name would be the “Muzzling the Loyal Opposition Act.” I’m also partial to the “Act to Transform the United States Into a Services Plantation.” Then again, there’s always the “Psychopathic CEOs Exploiting Their Fellow Man Act.”
Any of those names will work for this law and for this reprehensible Congress, whose members no longer bear much resemblance to the people they publicly claim to lead, while privately selling their votes to the highest bidder via groups like the American Legislative Exchange Council. ALEC pairs political hookers with monied interests looking to purchase political influence in our pay-to-play system of government.
It’s one-stop shopping for traitorous elites looking to score some legalized bribe money, a free overseas junket, some insider trading tips, and a few free samples of new consumer products for the spouse and kids.
Buy now and we’ll toss in two slaves – I mean illegal immigrant workers. Don’t worry, if they try to tell the police you raped them we’ll just have them deported (wink, wink, wink).
A recent analysis by the nonpartisan Center for Responsive Politics found that 250 of the 531 alleged people who now claim to represent the rest of us in the U.S. Congress are millionaires – that’s 47%. The proportion of millionaires in the national population is 1%.
Congress has a median net wealth of $891,506. Median net wealth for the Senate is $2.69 million.
The sad part about the list is that the richest member of Congress is U.S. Rep. Dan Issa (R-Calif.), with a personal net wealth estimated at $448 million.
That’s about 2% of New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg’s personal fortune, which is estimated at $22 billion. In other words, you can get 49 Issas for each Bloomberg at the current ALEC exchange rate.
Incredibly, Bloomberg – the wealthiest elected official in U.S. history – was able to remain a detached and neutral observer when the protesters of Occupy Wall Street rolled into Manhattan to challenge the financial services industry that serves as the backbone of his Bloomberg LP empire. Just ask him.
Cue eye rolling.
The version of the “Rich Kids Who Didn’t Get Beat Up Enough in High School Act” now making its way through Congress is intended to make monied interests feel more secure by further curtailing the limited civil rights the middle class and poor still enjoy. It specifically prohibits anyone making less than $500,000 a year from making fun of the size of the private parts of predatory elites.
OK, I made that last part up.
Don’t feel bad if it slipped past you. It’s hard to spot my jokes in a story about a ridiculous bill like this, because HR 347 merges reality so seamlessly with the kind of elitist garbage long considered fiction in this no-longer-quite-so-great nation of ours.
The new bill makes it easier to prosecute the loyal opposition in federal areas bankrolled by our taxes. The current code requires that a violator must “knowingly” and “willfully” enter a restricted area. The “Act to Preserve Shareholder Profit Growth at Any Cost” scraps the word “willfully.”
In other words, God help you if you’re out hiking in rural Maryland and suddenly find yourself in restricted woods, unless your last name is Trump, Dow, Koch, Bloomberg, Hilton, Rockefeller, Clinton, Bush, Rooney, Carnegie, or Kennedy. You know – the people who managed the people who actually built this country.
“It kind of crushes the First Amendment for people across the country,” protester Kelly Canavan told ABC. “We have the freedom to express ourselves and that’s not a small thing. Now, we’re looking at the possibility of that freedom being taken away.”
The proposed “Preservation of False Leaders Act,” would cover certain trespassing violations in Washington, D.C., which currently do not fall under federal law. For example, trespassing on the grounds of the White House would now be a federal issue. Unless you’re a wealthy foreign tourist.
Then it’s OK. Cause our predatory elites only screw over their own (rimshot).
Anyone who was blocked from protesting outside the New York Stock Exchange in the fall, while thousands of foreign tourists wandered the public area at will, is familiar with the kind of nonsense I’m alluding to here.
The “Political Machine Preservation Act” will make it a prosecutable offense to knowingly, and without lawful authority, enter a building or grounds restricted due to a special event of national significance.
So much for freedom of assembly.
In other words, you better stay the hell away from the areas of Chicago where the upcoming NATO summit is held if you know what’s good for you unless you’re profiting from the status quo. And don’t even think about protesting the G-8 meeting at Camp David where the self-appointed political aristocracy will make far-reaching decisions along the lines of the North American Free Trade Act, which could impoverish you and cost you your job.
The financial giants of the world don’t want us little people underfoot. We’re such a nuisance.
We monopolize the buffet and the free bar something terrible, and we confuse the groupies looking to get treated like plastic sex dolls by the rich and powerful.
If only there was a velvet rope to keep the national bridge and tunnel crowd out of these power summits. Thanks to the “Act to Insulate Timid Elites From Unfavorable Comparisons With Decent Working People” that dream may soon become a reality.
Congress may soon have all the benefits of governing without the burden of actual interaction with the people they govern. Benefits without burdens – that might as well be the mantra of our predatory elites.
For those of you who have never tried to party like a rock star on a working-class budget in New York City, the velvet rope was pioneered there in the late 1970s by club-owners targeting the young and filthy rich. They needed a way to winnow through working-class young people, known derisively as “bridge and tunnel crowd,” without getting punched in the face or hit with a lawsuit.
The velvet rope gave them a politicially acceptable way to create an apartheid-like pass card system based on familial wealth. It allowed clubs to shun straight males from the working class, who had a penchant for snagging all the girls and intimidating timid rich kids while nursing a single drink for four hours. The rope simultaneously allowed clubs to selectively admit attractive working class females and gays for the silver spoons to pursue on the kind of tilted playing field they’re accustomed to.
If there’s one thing we can still take pride in as a nation, it’s the immoral behavior of U.S. predatory elites, who now compare favorably with those from nations as large as Russia and as small as Yemen. If there were an Olympics for screwing over decent working people they would be running up quite the medal count right now, with the GOP leading the way and segregated crony unions close behind.
Bottom line, there’s no group of predatory elites that’s quite as useless as our predatory elites.
The sponsor of this bill is U.S. Rep. Tom Rooney (R-Fla.), a little known political hooker who is trying to make a name for himself and build on the paltry $3.2 million in legal bribes he’s taken in during his short career. The 42-year-old silver spoon hails from the nursing home state, where voting is dominated by addled elderly voters who are easily manipulated by anyone with a bowl of jello and a handful of absentee ballots.
“This bill does not affect anyone’s ability to protest in any way whatsoever,” a Rooney spokesperson told ABC.
That’s silver spoon speak for “this bill does not affect anyone like me.”
Rooney has a classic elitist pedigree. He’s a lawyer, a graduate of a fancy prep school in South Florida that costs $23,720 a year to attend, and part of the family that owns the Pittsburgh Steelers professional football team, which Forbes values at $1.01 billion. The family also has extensive interests in the gambling industry – not that any of that would ever influence a solid citizen like Tom Rooney.
Guess who Rooney’s leading political donor is?
If you said the Pittsburgh Steelers you win a cookie. The Palm Beach Kennel Club is close behind – as in the dog track.
Other supporters include the usual array of wealthy industries seeking to boost profit growth by subverting representative democracy: energy, housing and banking. Rooney is also doing well with the sugar and citrus industries, which will stuff a few grand in the G-string of any Florida politician willing to trade votes for a legal bribe.
To steal a line from fellow strumpet-for-hire Lili Von Shtupp (below right) in the film Blazing Saddles: “What a great guy.”
Mara Verheyden-Hilliard, executive director of the Partnership for Civil Justice Fund, told Salon reporter Natasha Lennard that HR 347 is best understood as the government “looking at the tools in their arsenal and polishing them up” in time for major, protest-drawing summits and political conventions this year.
The over-arching justification behind ridiculous proposals like the “Tom Rooney Political Enrichment Act” is the widespread conviction among traitorous elites that most U.S. voters are too dumb to vote in their own interests and too docile to think for themselves.
So far they’re right.
You know that old saying about a salesman being so talented they could “sell ice to eskimos?” Well, the GOP just succeeded in doing exactly that by selling Florida seniors a lobbyist-led Tea Party which opposes Social Security and Medicare, and a governor who got rich denying medical care to needy Americans. And they bought it – they elected Rick Scott.
So much for the so-called Greatest Generation.
When do you folks wake up?
Take a good look at that political hooker below.
Don’t you think we deserve better?
Jesus, Mary and Joseph.
I’m fallen Jewish and you have me cursing like a fallen Catholic. That’s how bad this is.
All you have to do is vote in your own interest and this garbage in DC all comes to a screeching halt, but first you have to figure out what that is.
Here’s a hint: the poor and middle class don’t have any lobbyists or any TV ads. We can’t afford them. So, our best interests would be the opposite of whatever the lobbyists, political hookers like Tom Rooney, and their costly TV ads tell us to do.
They’re not your friends if you’re part of the 99%.
I’m your friend. Occupy Wall Street is your friend. Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren are your friends. Steven Colbert, Bill Maher and John Stewart are your friends.
And you know what – it’s not that easy to look out for you when you don’t look out for yourself. You can get your collective middle-class head out of your collective middle-class rectum any friggin day now.
We’re all just waiting on you…. for the love of Mike.