LAJOLLA, CA – A four-year scientific study of the so-called “Pinnochio Effect” ended ignominiously Monday after scientists at The Scripps Research Institute failed to establish a medical link between hog heads and Republican lies.
The globally recognized nonprofit biomedical research institute confirmed that Republican skulls are expanding at a rapid clip – seemingly across the board. However, the origin and cure for the mutated form of halitosis believed responsible remains a mystery.
“We were able to document the alarming increase in skull weight and circumference among Republican fabulists, but the underlying cause continues to elude us,” said Edward Ramos, PhD, director of Digital Clinical Trials at the Scripps Research Translational Institute.
“We remain baffled by the process by which this malady is being transmitted,” Ramos added. “It doesn’t seem to be carried by bodily fluids. In fact it doesn’t appear to be infectious at all. Instead, it seems to target those who lie promiscuously.”
The term “fabulist” refers to those who habitually spread knowing lies. “Hog head” is a Southern colloquialism for an abnormally large human skull.
Scripps published the results of the $55 million study Feb. 8 in The Journal of The American Medical Association after examining 391 Republican skulls during the four years of The Moron Presidency. The study was underwritten by The House of Saud and My Pillow founder Mike Lindell.
An embargoed copy of the study results obtained by The Cynical Times indicates it was inspired by fabulists as disparate as former White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders (above) and the political minstrel act of Lynnette “Diamond” Hardaway and Rochelle “Silk” Richardson.
The continuing mystery is a particular disappointment for Sanders, who had hoped for a medical breakthrough inhibiting future skull growth among Trump loyalists.
“This is a race against time for me,” Sanders said. “I can barely fit my hog head though a standard doorway right now without banging into the door jamb. My own kids are afraid of me. I truly fear what the future holds.”
Sanders worked as a Liar-for-Hire in the Trump Administration from Jan. 20, 2017, to July 26, 2017. Her proverbial “Come to Jesus” moment occurred June 18, 2017 – one day after she cited a video by discredited conservative fabulist James O’Keefe as fact at a national press briefing.
O’Keefe (above), 36, is also a victim of the so-called “Pinnochio Effect.” The silver spoon mofo – who makes his living misleading the masses – is “patient zero,” according to Scripps.
“My head had grown by small amounts before that fateful White House press briefing, but it really exploded afterward,” Sanders recalled tearfully. “None of my hats fit the next morning. My red MAGA baseball hat was sitting on top of my head like a cherry on a fudge sundae.
“Overnight, I went from a size 7 hat to a size 9. Then, a few days later, the size 9s no longer fit. It was a nightmare.”
Sanders’ husband Bryan noticed the expansion, too.
“I remember asking her, ‘sugar-butt, did you get stung by a bee like 500 times?’ ” he recalled.
The 38-year-old mother of three is running for governor of Arkansas – one of the largest pork producing states in the U.S. Its native “razorback” hog is the official mascot for varsity athletic teams at The University of Arkansas.
Sanders has attempted to leverage her hog head to political advantage by employing “woo pig sooie” – the University of Arkansas sports cheer – as a slogan at her political rallies.
Steve Bannon (right), former head of President Donald Trump’s White Supremacist Advisory Board, has also tried to turn the malady to political advantage.
“Big head, big brain,” Bannon said when asked about the collective deformation. The slogan has become a staple of Republican political advertising in recent years.
“When God gives you a hog head, make hog head lemonade,” Bannon said.
The average human head weighs 11 pounds and has a circumference of 21.75 inches (55 centimeters) for females and 22 .5 inches (57 cm) for males.
The average weight of the 391 skulls Scripps examined was 14.1 pounds.
The average circumference for the Republican study group was 24 inches for women and 25 inches for men. Both measurements exceed human norms by more than an inch.
Scripps’ researchers refer to this collective disparity as “The Pinnochio Effect.” Their study carries the same moniker in an apparent reference to the well known fairy-tale about a wooden boy named “Pinnochio” whose nose grew when he lied.
“The common traits for the silver spoon mofos hit hardest by this malady appear to be a complete disregard for truth, decency, integrity and personal honor,” Ramos said. “That and a career in politics, a country club membership, private school education, a trust fund, and a home in a sterile rich enclave.”
Sanders’ head weighs in at an impressive 16 pounds and has a circumference of 25.6 inches. Those dimensions place her in the 99th percentile for both the species and the Republican study group. They also make her the odds-on favorite to win the 2022 Big Boar contest at the Iowa State Fair (left).
Bannon’s 15.1 pound dome ranks him in the 88th percentile, according to Pinnochio Effect data table 5.1a, subsection 1.
Rochelle Richardson, the “Silk” in the “Diamond and Silk” minstrel act, has experienced steady skull growth since 2016. That’s when she and her sister first began working with a Republican political machine that was deeply unpopular with U.S. blacks and willing to handsomely compensate modern-day sonderkommandos.
“Sonderkommando” is a German term for the Jewish collaborators who extended their lives during World War II by helping the Nazi war machine exterminate their fellow Jews.
Richardson’s head weighed 11.1 pounds and had a circumference of 22 inches before the former Democrat became a Trump supporter – measurements only slightly above the norm. Today, her hog head tips the scales at a hefty 14.5 pounds and measures 24.5 inches around.
“The Pinnochio Effect is real,” said Richardson, 47. “I’ve outgrown 11 different wigs just since 2016.”
Skull expansion is a recurring theme among the opportunistic lackeys and willing liars who served as White House press secretaries and presidential spokespersons during The Moron Presidency. Sean Spicer and KellyAnne Conway are both enrolled in the Mayo Clinic’s newly established “Swollen Skull Protocol.”
Conway, 54, served as a senior counselor to The Moron President from Jan. 20, 2017, to Aug. 31, 2020. She was forced out after inadvertently telling the truth during an appearance on ESPN-8, the Ocho.
“I can’t tell you how many anti-inflammatory meds I’m on right now, but it’s a lot,” said Conway (below). “I still don’t feel like I’ve done anything wrong. I never claimed to be journalist or a member of the reality-based community. I never even claimed to to be telling the truth.
“I always presented myself as a public relations professional with an ethical obligation to serve my clients to the best of my ability – regardless of how repugnant they might be,” she added, wincing in pain as her skull expanded incrementally. “When that meant sharing ‘alternative facts,’ I did so.”
Spicer served as President Trump’s first press secretary from Jan. 20, 2017, to June 1, 2017; acting White House communications director from June 2, 2017, to July 21, 2017; and as interim cabana boy from July 22, 2017, to Aug. 31, 2017. He remains unapologetic for his attempts to “turn that frown upside down” on behalf of America’s 45th President.
Spicer has seen his own skull expand 22 percent since Trump took office. It logged in Monday at 15.5 pounds. The pressure inside resulted in a global luxation on Jan. 17, when his right eye popped out of the socket.
The eyeball was successfully reseated but continues to water.
“I may have been a lying little bitch,” said Spicer, 49,” but at least I was somebody’s lying little bitch. How many people can say they’ve scrubbed the president’s back – among other things – I can.”
Fabulists like Conway, Spicer (above), Sanders and their former boss seek to profit from elaborate, long-lived misrepresentations in the hope of obscuring inconvenient truths. Trump refers to them as “The Big Lie.”
Like the preposterous idea that he opposes political corruption as a billionaire/trust-fund baby/private school graduate/casino magnate/real estate developer/reality television hustler/silver spoon mofo.
Fabulists differ markedly from satirists like Stephen Colbert, whose goal is to entertain readers/viewers via obvious short-term misrepresentations. Like this article.
Trump’s skull grew 12 percent to 14.3 pounds during his time in The Oval Office, placing him in the 65th percentile. Most of his loyalists have been similarly impacted, according to Republican National Committee Chair Ronna Romney McDaniel.
Why didn’t Papa Bear’s cranium expand more?
“The Dear Leader would be the first to admit he began lying with grinding regularity long before he moved into The White House, if he deigned to address you.” said McDaniel. “He doesn’t lie about lying. Except to the masses.”
“Dear Leader” is North Korea’s official title for the late Kim Jong-il, whose son Kim Jong-un now occupies The Hermit Kingdom throne. The Moron President considers the hereditary despot a close friend and fishing buddy.
“Piss on democracy,” Trump said Sunday via smoke signal. “Slavery, dictatorship, corporate oligarchy and piracy are legitimate forms of capitalism too.”
Trump’s other fishing buddies include Russian President for life Vladimir Putin, Chinese President for Life Xi Jinping, former New York City Mayor for Life Michael Bloomberg, Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman, and former Libyan strongman Moammar Gadhafi. The latter was killed by his own people in 2011.
“We were all devastated by Mo’s death and haven’t gone fishing since,” Trump said via U.S. Navy ship-to-ship signal lamp. “Nobody else in the group can tie a fisherman’s knot, much less bait their own hook.”
Trump has been a named party in more than 4,000 lawsuits in his lifetime. He’s been banned from most social media platforms for spreading lies about everything from the Covid pandemic to the size of his Johnson.
The Trump family has been hard hit by The Pinnochio Effect. Son Baron (below), 14, has trimmed his hair to make his swollen skull appear smaller but is no longer able to hold the weighty orb upright.
Eric Trump saw his skull expand from the 22nd percentile to the 95th during the four years of The Moron Presidency. The 37-year-old silver spoon mofo serves as executive vice president of the Trump Organization, which has begun renting out space on his forehead to advertisers in a bid to meet its fiduciary duty to maximize shareholder value.
“If the covid has taught us anything it’s that the human head is the ideal space for something like a Nike swoosh,” said Eric Trump (below).
Corporate Dems are not immune to The Pinnochio Effect. House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.), 80, has been living off taxpayer dollars for 44 years and is among a handful of infected politicians on the Left.
U.S. Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-Vt.), has little sympathy for any of the so-called victims.
“It’s pretty obvious that those who lie to the American people to advance Wall Street’s war on workers are being hit hardest by this modern-day biblical plague, regardless of which corrupt political machine they belong to,” Sanders said. “They have no one to blame but themselves. American democracy is meant to be one person one vote, not one dollar one vote.
“Let my people go,” Bernie Jesus (below) added, spreading his mitten-clad hands wide.
Pelosi should never have used her Congressional exemption from insider trading regulations to amass a $101 million fortune, according to U.S. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass.).
“That’s blood money,” Warren said. “It’s a fortune built on the tens of millions of American families ruined by the off-shoring of U.S. jobs since 1980. Wall Street’s greed-is-good ethos is transforming us from a nation of homeowners into a nation of renters. “It’s forever-profit-growth mindset is undermining our democracy and turning us all into debt slaves.”
Pelosi accepted an invitation from Visa to participate in its initial public offering in 2008 – just like an investment bank – at a time when credit card legislation was moving through the Democratic-controlled House. She helped stymie the proposed regulations, according to CBS News.
As Facebook investors, the ravenous couple has profited from the social media network’s hijacking of the public forum, undermining of America’s free press, and systemic suppression of freedom of speech.
“I was wrong; I know that now,” Pelosi (above) said Monday after her swollen skull tipped the scales at 14.2 pounds. It was 10.6 pounds when the silver spoon mofo was named House Democratic leader in 2003.
“God forgive me,” she said. “I just didn’t fully appreciate that being a crook was wrong for those of us in the country club set. Until now.
“I had a sense of rich entitlement,” Pelosi added later in the day as she attended a National Organization for Women seminar with U.S. Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY). “I didn’t think the rules applied to me. I thought I was above the law as a member of the political aristocracy and The Ruling Class. We all did.”
“And then you woke up,” AOC (above) quipped in disgust. “And realized you were a sheltered rich idiot and an enormous boil on the ass of American democracy.”
“Maybe so,” Pelosi acknowledged.
The Scripps science team hoped a better understanding of individual changes in skull size would shed light on the correlation with Republican liars-for-hire. Such as Fox News Fabulist Tucker Carlson (above). His skull has expanded more than 30 percent as he’s transitioned downward from legitimate journalist to political pundit to Joey Goebbels style propagandist.
“Hog Head Syndrome is a real crisis for those of us touched by this horrible malady,” said Carlson, a second-generation liar-for-hire whose skull has ballooned from 11.5 pounds to 15.2 pounds since 2009.
The 51-year-old suffered a grade-3 concussion at his son’s birthday party on Jan. 14, after the boy mistook daddy’s head for a pinata.
“I had a skinny head most of my life,” Carlson said during a subsequent appearance on Fox & Friends. “It didn’t begin to expand until after I joined Fox News in 2009.”
Many Republicans blame the illness on China. Members of the so-called Q-Anon Movement claim the Hog Head Virus was carried into the U.S. by Chinese “feuderai” attending Yale University. The term is a phrase for China’s new generation of silver spoon mofos.
U.S. Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-Ga.) claims the disease made the jump to Republicans in 2017, after Chinese trust fund baby Wang Daqi binge-watched The Big Bang Theory at U.S. Sen Ted Cruz’s annual CPAC pajama party.
“It doesn’t take a genius to see the correlation,” said Greene. “Just look at retired basketball star Yao Ming (below right). His head is gynormous. The coincidences are impossible to ignore.”
Greene’s own skull has expanded 19 percent since she entered politics in June of 2019 and now ranks in the 78th percentile. However, the silver spoon says it’s not because of her behavior in elected office. She had a pronounced hog head long before becoming a political fabulist.
The star of the new “Special Kinda Crazy” talk show on NewsMax was stripped of all committee assignments by fellow House members this month, just 32 days after joining the 117th U.S. Congress, amidst widespread allegations of being Batshit Crazy.
The 46-year-old mother of three disclosed afterward that she was tripolar, dyslexic, a multiple amputee, and a survivor of roid rage, hypertrichosis, sickle cell, Taysacs and Crohn’s Disease. She also allegedly contracted the Epstein-Barr virus in 1998 from a cheeseburger platter at The Epstein Bar & Grill in Bethesda, Md.
“I’m the real victim here,” said Greene (left). “Just like Mein Fuhrer Donald Trump.”
Critics of The Pinnochio Effect said the study harkens back to the discredited science of Eugenics, which provided an erroneous scientific basis for group bias in the early 1900s.
Practitioners used Scandinavian anatomical traits as the standard for the entire human race. They viewed all deviations as devolutionary.
Eugenics led to the mass sterilization of more than 60,000 black Americans. It inspired group supremacists as disparate as The Sons of the Confederacy, the Nazi Party, and the current Proud Boys honeypot operation for militant involuntary celibates.
“I don’t think we want to play around with a return to eugenics,” said former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush (below right), a Liberal Republican whose Charlie Brown head ranks in the 77th percentile.
“Enough is enough,” said U.S. Sen. Cory Booker (D-N.J.). “No more poking fun at people with hog heads and no more saucy commoners challenging The Ruling Class and violating our privilege bubbles. We are your rightful lords and masters. Ergo you peasants must kneel before us.”
Booker’s enormous melon ranks in the 79th percentile.
Like Bush, Booker (above left) is incapable of matching ties and shirts, another disability the Scripps science team succeeded in documenting but was unable to explain.
The former Newark mayor and Pelosi are among a handful of Corporate Dems exhibiting symptoms of the Pinnochio Effect. They include Bill and Hillary Clinton and comedian Amy Schumer – second cousin of Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer.
“I don’t know what the fuck is going on with my head, but it won’t stop growing,” said Schumer (right). “This is such bullshit. It all started when I began pretending to be a whore in my standup comedy routine.”
Podcaster Joe Rogan – who possesses what Elon Musk called “the perkiest, roundest, most fully packed cranium in popular culture today” – participated in the Scripps study as a political independent.
“It may not be politically popular right now to talk about hog heads, but there’s no denying their existence – particularly among top boxers and martial artists,” Rogan (left) said during a Feb. 6 episode of The Joe Rogan Experience podcast on The Intellectual Dark Web.
“Hog Heads are real,” he added, after comparing skulls with the professional psychiatric patient formerly known as Kanye West. “Obviously, they’re a huge advantage for those who make their living in the ring. But the how and why of their spread among political fabulists remains a mystery.”
The Scripps team views Rogan’s hog head as a singular case, which may hold the key to a cure. It could also serve as a new launching pad for The Pinnochio Effect, which allows future strains of the malady to jump into the reality-based community.
Rogan is a pseudo-journalist who specializes in painful truths. Rather than the willful lies of his fellow Pinnochio Effect patients.
“Joe is the only case of traditional infectious transmission we’ve seen so far,” said Ramos. “He’s also the only victim of The Pinnochio Effect who doesn’t appear to be a habitual liar. Ergo, he may have to be humanely put down to protect the species.”
Rogan’s head has always been big, just like his brain, but it didn’t start to swell until after InfoWars liar-for-hire Alex Jones (above) visited the show in October 2019.
“Big mistake,” Rogan said. “You know, sometimes I get carried away with my own incredible intellectual gravitas and think I can spit shine a turd by association, just because I’m fond of turds.”
Jones’ skull has ballooned 33 percent since Trump took office. It logged in Monday at a gargantuan 17.5 pounds. The pressure inside has produced four instances of global luxation since Jan. 1 and one case of involuntary sharting. Medical personnel successfully reseated the displaced eyeballs in their sockets each time.
“The experience scared the fuck out of me,” Jones said (right). “I don’t know if God still listens to me or what, but I promise to never lie again if he’ll just return my skull to its normal size.
“I’m sorry God. I’m sorry. I’ll be good.
“Really,” the Austin Community College dropout added, wincing in pain. “I promise to be good.”
“No, really. I’m not kidding this time. I’m telling the truth for once.
“Ouch,” he said, grabbing his head. “Fuck.”
Editor’s note: This article was updated Feb. 9 to add more treasonous Trump scum… No, really.