It’s 2018: All hail President Trump

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I jumped again last night and awoke this morning in the year 2018. 

It seems I am now a diesel mechanic at the K&H Truck Stop in tiny Gilmer, Ill. 

Donald Trump is president. Ted Cruz is vice president.

The headlines are dominated by news of the War With Mexico and the alleged rape of journalist Cokie Roberts.

The veteran political reporter was recently subjected to a public flogging for accusing Cruz of raping her during a prayer breakfast at Trump House – aka The former White House. Incredibly, it seems that Wormtongue – as Cruz is affectionately called by his friends – successfully defended himself by utilizing the “only the tip” legal defense.

It’s hard to believe the feisty Roberts was speaking freely in her televised appearance with Oberfuhrer Trump.

“I was wrong,” Roberts said last night during the taped confession. “I apologize unreservedly. Vice President Cruz and Oberfuhrer Trump are two of the finest men it has ever been my privilege to know.”

It seems that Trump has established concentration camps for Hispanic Americans who don’t know their place. They’re administered by a force of Hispanic American collaborators led by former Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio and Columba Bush.

He says the camps are necessary to prevent sabotage now that so much of the world’s remaining democracies have either turned their backs on us or are in open military opposition to us. 

In three of his first moves after handily defeating Hillary Clinton in the 2016 presidential race, Trump reenacted poll taxes, thereby disenfranchising 90 percent of the American voting public; instituted prima nocta; and changed the name of the nation’s highest office to “Oberfuhrer.”

He also reinstituted slavery and privatized the U.S military.

Afterward, Clarence Thomas was promptly reassigned to the Trump House staff. He oversees the kitchen and answers to the first name “Uncle.”

Former brain surgeon Ben Carson is now a fixture on the Trump House lawn, where he holds a lantern and is known as “Stephen.”

Conservative Nutjob Caitlyn Jenner is first lady.

“There’s nothing so inherently socialist as a military comprised entirely of the children of the poor and middle class,” Trump said during a recent interview with MSNBC National Correspondent Karl Rove. “It’s a breeding ground for revolutionaries.”

The War with Mexico is not going well. Our traditional allies in England, Israel and France are roiled by internal dissent. Much of it is directed at Trump. The students in those nations are actually calling on their companies now to divest their U.S. business interests.

The rest of Latin America is firmly in Mexico’s corner, led by Cuba and Venezuela. It’s no longer our sphere of influence.

Our military officers corps is just a shadow of its former self since the purge Trump launched against the generals who refused to execute his unlawful orders. Many of them are in Guantanomo now, along with Colin Powell and Stan McChrystal.

Thousands of our soldiers and Marines were also imprisoned after they apparently balked at using lethal force to restore order in Los Angeles, Newark, Houston, Chicago, Miami, Baltimore and St. Louis when those cities were torn by racial rioting in 2016 in the wake of Trump’s election. That was a big part of his decision to privatize the military and bring in the foreign mercs who worked for us in the Middle East and set them loose in American cities.

Former Iowa Sen. Joni Ernst, who got elected by pretending her experience in the Gulf organizing supply convoys from a Kuwaiti hotel was actually spent in combat, is now Secretary of Defense.

“We are not Rome,” Ernst said in an interview with CBS News Anchor Bobby Jindal. “This is not 500 AD all over again.”

In other news, the House of Saud purchased American Airlines and the state of Wyoming in 2017 for $15 billion; Russia acquired Taiwan in a bizarre exchange with Trump for pro-democracy activist Edward Snowden; and China has reached a purchase agreement to acquire the city of Long Beach, Calif., for $65 billion.

China and Russia are actually our closest allies now. Trump also has hit it off with North Korean hereditary strongman Kim Jong-un.

Work has begun on the Oberfuhrer’s trillion dollar “Get Off My Lawn Wall” along the Mexican border, which is being bankrolled by a new fee on public school students. The no-bid contract was awarded to The Trump Organization, which is employing a workforce compiled almost entirely of Chinese Guestworkers.

“Man, was I an idiot,” U.S. Air Force veteran Miguel Hemarroido lamented as he listened to Fox News beside me on the breadline in Gilmer this morning. “I thought if I just went along with these fascist mofos and watched a lot of Fox News they’d cut me in.”

Former U.S. Marine Jose Felicenavidado sounded a similar tune.

“I just wanted to vote against Wall Street,” he said. “I didn’t realize Trump was Wall Street. I mean – I knew he was born into billions, but I just figured he got it somewhere else. Ay dios mio.”

Trump arrested the entire Sulzberger family last week and has signed an executive order privatizing the New York Times newspaper they once controlled, which is to be renamed “The Silver Spoon Sentinel.” Comedians John Oliver, Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert were all imprisoned for unspecified crimes against the state right after the election. They were executed this morning.

“Who’s laughing now,” Trump asked them as the firing squad prepared their weapons. “Hey fellas – guess what? You’re fired.”