Gil Fulbright for President

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“Listening to my constituents, legislating – these are things I don’t do,” says maverick presidential candidate Gil Fulbright. “What I do is spend about 70 percent of my time raising funds for re-election. I’ll do anything to stay in office. My name’s Gil Fulbright, but hell,  I’ll change my name to Phil Gulbright or Bill Fulbright or Phillip Mamouf Wifarts.”

Fulbright is the newest entry in a crowded field of candidates for the 2016 presidential auction. However, he’s already threatening the status quo simply by leveling with American voters about the venal nature of the political hookers in their paper democracy, according to a political science professor who will say anything for media exposure.

For that reason, and that reason alone, The Cynical Times has chosen to bestow the first political endorsement in its storied five year history on the comedian/actor.

“Fulbright has charged the imagination of a generation of American voters with his heroic and shameless message of selfless self-promotion,” says Cynical Times Co-founder Dur T. Sanchez. “His dreams of wealth through unbridled greed embody all that is wrong in this nation, making him the perfect manifestation of the new American Way. This is one American patriot who never asks ‘how much is too much’ or whether ‘all profit is moral.’ ”

Legalized political bribery has surged in the United States in the wake of the 2010 Citizens United ruling by the U.S. Supreme Court, which removed all spending limits for monied interests. The morally indefensible ruling by the bought-and-paid-for high court helped grow spending in the 2012 presidential cycle to $2.6 billion from a prior $1.6 billion. It’s expected to top $5 billion in 2016.

That compares with $77 million in 1980, which is equivalent to $223 million in today’s dollars once it’s adjusted for inflation. Or 1.5 percent of the amount expected to be spent in the 2016 race.

Citizens United, and a companion ruling establishing publicly traded companies as human beings, helped set the stage for the unparalleled growth in legalized political bribery and political hypocrisy which now infect this once great nation like a case of Gonorrhea.

All of which makes Fulbright the perfect medicine for a faltering middle class that knows it’s being ripped off, but really has no viable voting options that are not bought and paid for by the human locusts of Wall Street. Other than Fulbright and Democratic Socialist candidate Bernie Sanders, who is already being misrepresented as a Communist by the Right Wing Noise Machine.

“Yesterday afternoon, Jeb Bush announced that a relatively small number of wealthy donors have contributed over one hundred million dollars to his Super PAC,” Sanders said Saturday.  “This is not a democracy. This is oligarchy.”

The question is whether America is ready for a legtimate candidate like Sanders or a satircial candidate like Fulbright. Despite the huge crowds being drawn by Sanders, The Cynical Times believes the bloodless coup Wall Street has engineered over our democracy makes Fulbright the only viable option.

Before this toxic and treasonous system can be destroyed its poisonous, supremacist and duplicitous nature must first be exposed by Fulbright and his fellow satirists. Some political hookers are already running scared.

“This Fulbright guy is trouble – he has the potential to be a real game changer,” lamented U.S. Senator Cory Booker (D-N.J.), who poses as a champion of decent working people but actually is a tool of the Private Equity industry. “He’s giving a lot of politicians nightmares. Most of us really aren’t that talented. How are we supposed to compete with this guy?

A recent poll by the nonpartisan Rent-A-Fictitious-Political-Outcome consulting firm found that Fulbright’s message of unapologetic venality is resonating with cynical voters. The professional actor and comedian shot ahead of both the Republican and Democratic presidential clown cars in a survey of 5,000 nursing home residents conducted during Reminiscence Therapy, July 23-25.

Ninety percent of respondents said that they favored Fulbright’s overt and honest greed over the disingenuous posturing of political hookers like former Florida Governor John Ellis Bush. The Massachusetts Yankee, who really did change his name to “Jeb” in a bid to win Cracker Florida’s Blue Dog vote in 1994, finished 11th in the poll.

Bush, Big Oil’s No. 1 electoral race driver, garnered the support of 4 percent of respondents. No. 2 racer Rick Perry, the former racist governor of Texas, was last with 0.01 percent.

 

“SMH,” Bush tweeted cryptically as he gently spooned jello into the mouth of an elderly woman suffering from Alzheimer’s Disease at the Menorah Park Center for Senior Living in Beachwood, Ohio. “It’s always fuggin something.

“I mean seriously, I just made myself up as an airplane blonde and let the Koch Brothers run a train on me to secure a piece of their $889 million political slush fund,” Bush said while manipulating the woman’s pen-wielding arthritic hand above an absentee ballot. “And for what?”

On paper, Fulbright isn’t even a presidential candidate. He’s a candidate for the U.S. Senate in Kentucky, backed by the Represent.us nonprofit group, which is devoted to exposing the systemic corruption ingrained in the U.S. political process.

However, Fulbright’s lampooning of the shameless avarice of political hookers like Booker and Bush seems to have struck a chord with voters in recent days. His ads have gone viral online, shooting him to the forefront of a very confused national mind.

It’s clear that his bold and unapologetic message of selfless-self interest merits a national platform. The Cynical Times feels it should not be restricted to the red state of Kentucky, which has one of the nation’s lowest literacy rates.

For that reason, and that reason alone, we hereby endorse Gil Fulbright, aka “Philip Mimouf Wifarts,” for president. And do so with a full colon and a severe case of tinea cruris.

“Come November the choice is clear,” Fulbright says in one TV spot. “Do you want another spineless mouthpiece for special interests and lobbyists? Or a spineless mouthpiece for special interests and lobbyists?”

At The Cynical Times, we proudly proclaim our support for Gil Fulbright – a spineless mouthpiece who is out and proud about both his true nature as a political hooker and that of our broken democracy.

Sell us out Gil! Sell us out!

Full disclosure: The Cynical Times hopes to secure a free Gil Fulbright bumper sticker in exchange for this blowjob story. And possibly a roastbeef sandwich on toasted rye with baby swiss and a half-sour pickle on the side. We don’t view this as a potential ethical conflict of interest in a world where mainstream news media routinely report favorably about their bankers and investors without disclosing those connections.