White women with blonde hair were pulled from airline flights across the United States over the weekend by counter-intelligence officials seeking to stymie a possible terrorist attack.
FBI Director James Comey said a recent update of his agency’s standard terrorist template resulted in the removal of 15 “Nordic-looking” women from domestic flights on Saturday and 23 additional removals Sunday. He defended the “cullings” as a grim reality of the War on Terror and vowed to continue implementing the new terrorist profile despite blistering criticism from outraged lawmakers
“These cullings are necessary to safeguard the American people as ISIS, Al Quaeda and Die Antwoord adapt to our profiling criteria,” Comey said. “One of the unfortunate realities of the escalating War on Terror is that as we adapt to one tactic, the terrorists adopt another. We’re no longer facing Arab and Persian perps like Richard Reid with ‘born to lose’ tattooed on their foreheads in Pashto.”
Reid (right) is the dark-skinned and dark-haired Brit known as “the shoe-bomber.” The 42-year-old tried and failed to set off explosives packed in his shoes during a botched terror attack aboard a flight from Paris to Miami in 2001.
The apparent trigger for the change in policy was the April arrest of South African actress and singer Anri du Toit (above left), who goes by the stage name “Yolandi Visser.” The star of the hit film “Chappie” graced the cover of the annual swimsuit edition of Modern White Supremacist Magazine in March, which labeled her “The Whitest White Woman on Planet Earth.”
Du Toit was dragged from an international flight from Capetown to Immokalee, Fla., on April 5. Security officials said the incident occurred after the lead female singer of the Die Antwoord rap group, who was travelling with her daughter Sixteen Jones, was overheard boasting about stuffing a “poop bomb” into the Boeing 757’s bathroom garbage receptacle.
The phrase “poop bomb” is common slang for a used diaper.
Federal law enforcement officials said their agencies are prepared to meet the new threat to homeland security.
“Du Toit was the first, but not the last,” Comey declared during a Taco Night speech at The National Press Club in Washington, DC. “We’re still trying to determine whether her name is some kind of code for this new generation of dirty bombs.”
Comey confirmed that fair-haired actresses Diane Kruger, Kate Upton, and Scarlett Johansson were among those culled over the weekend. They were subjected to full body pat-downs, cleared, and then rebooked on later flights, he said.
According to Johansson (left), she was approached Sunday by air marshals after boarding a flight from LaGuardia International Airport to tiny Claxton, Ga. The 31-year-old New Yorker was headed to the so-called “Fruitcake Capital of the World” for its annual Rattlesnake Roundup festival. She said the four hour delay was not a burden.
“I want to thank the TSA for their service,” Johansson said. “I support whatever our nation’s military and police need to do to advance national security. That said, I still don’t understand why three different agents needed to pat me down.”
Upton said she was also patted down repeatedly by several TSA agents. One of whom looked suspiciously like comedienne Rosie O’Donnell.
Kruger (right) said she was told she was culled for looking “too white” by the air marshals who escorted her off a flight to New Orleans.
“I just want to thank our men and women in uniform,” Kruger said. “Especially the middle-aged fat guy who was groaning softly as he squeezed my ass.”
Multiple patdowns of attractive passengers by different agents are now standard operating procedure for the Transportation Safety Administration, according to agency director Peter Neffenger. Actor Ryan Reynolds once spent three days being patted down at Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport after the film “Waiting” was released in 2005, he said.
“Best three days of his life,” said Neffenger.
The TSA is responsible for safeguarding the nation’s air travelers.
The weekend removals were applauded by Muslim passengers aboard the same flights. Aliyyah Cornishen, 29, of Australia, said she was banned from American Airlines for life for shouting “welcome to my world you stupid cunt” as one blonde traveler was hustled away.
“You Americans are ridiculous,” the hijab-clad Cornishen (right) told reporters back at the terminal. “We say ‘cunt’ all the time in Australia. It’s no big deal.”
A publicist for Salma Hayek said the brunette bombshell was the only non-blonde culled in the weekend counter-intelligence operation.
“This is rig-goddamn-diculous,” Hayek told reporters outside the international terminal of Newark Liberty International Airport. “Just look at me – do I have blonde hair, do I have blue eyes, do I look Nordic to you?”
Neffenger acknowledged that Hayek (below right) and her daughter were removed from a flight to the Choctaw Indian Reservation in rural Mississippi, where she was set to compete in the annual intertribal lacrosse tournament. The actress was traveling with former “Bandidas” costar Penelope Cruz.
Cruz, who often competes with Hayek for the same roles, was not among those culled, according to Hayek’s publicist.
“Our information is that a TSA behavioral screener thought Miss Hayek was hiding something under her shirt,” Neffenger explained. “Plus, he said he always wanted to meet her.”
Federal lawmakers raced to condemn the new terror profile.
U.S. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (left), called for an immediate Congressional investigation. The 74-year-old Kentucky Senator passed out briefly while addressing reporters due to what staffers called “the excitement of the moment.”
McConnell was rushed to The Mother Teresa Gynecological Center in McLean, Va., where he was treated for an inflamed hemorhoid and administered an intravenous testosterone feed. The conservative lawmaker was resting comfortably Monday afternoon, according to a nursing supervisor who declined to be identified.
The McConnell Hemorhoid, which is sentient and uses the alias “Erik with a K,” was also in stable condition.
Republican presidential hopeful Donald Trump vowed to “scour the planet” to get to the bottom of “this culling thing.”
“No one is as good as me at culling – no one,” Trump said. “I’m No. 1 and No. 2.”
Democratic frontrunner Hillary Clinton was giving a speech at the annual Iowa Bank School and unavailable for comment, but challenger Bernie Sanders called for an immediate halt to the cullings.
“If we didn’t engage in constant warfare to enrich the military industrial complex, we wouldn’t have to worry about this kind of thing,” Sanders said. “The forever war has to end.”
Arab-American leaders rushed to defend the new policy.
Nihad Awad, executive director of the Council on American–Islamic Relations, applauded the FBI’s decision to update its FBI terrorist template. He said it was a long overdue move.
“Look, if you’re a terrorist trying to bomb something in this country you’re not going to dress up like a devout Muslim to do it,” Awad said. “The same logic applies to Republican Congressmen and pedophilia, Republican Congressmen and sex in public restrooms, and trying to buy alcoholic beverages when you look like Elijah Wood or Christopher Mintz-Plasse.”
“Everyone knows this,” he said. “So what’s the point of profiling Arabic-looking airline passengers as potential terrorists?”
The FBI should have been culling buxom blondes with blue eyes all along, according to Awad.
Former U.S. Rep Mark Foley applauded Awad’s logic during an appearance at the Russo, Marsh & Rogers lobbying firm, where he was participating in the “Living With Pedophilia” seminar. Former U.S. House Speaker and high school wrestling coach Dennis Hastert (R-Ill.) was also a panelist.
“Nihad could have saved Republican lawmakers a lot of trouble if he’d spoken up like this sooner,” Foley said. “Preferably when he was still young and virile, and in possession of that certain je nesais quoi that makes pre-adolescent-looking males like Elijah Wood and Logan Lerman so special.”
“And Daniel Radcliffe,” Hastert added in a sotte voce aside. “Let’s not forget Harry Potter.”