Dying for Ass: the Quest for the Perfect Badonkadonk

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None of us look like the magazine cover-models that pepper our news-stands. Not even the models.

Know why?

Because that’s not them. What we are usually seeing is the best image of them from the 400 or so shots taken during a typical two-hour photo-shoot. After it’s been photoshopped.

Sadly, some people still think the images we’re bombarded with daily by the mainstream media are real. A percentage of these useful idiots wind up jeopardizing their own health with chemicals like steroids and needless surgical procedures, like tummy tucks and anal bleaching, in the hope of matching what they think is the competition.

A 30-year-old South Florida woman has given us a new low in this misguided vanity, according to this amazing article in The Miami Herald. The story is amazing because it doesn’t matter how long you have worked as a reporter, cop or emergency room physician – you have never handled something like this before.

Oneal Ron Morris of Miami Gardens, Fla., is charged with shooting a concoction of cement, mineral oil and Super Glue into the 30-year-old’s butt during a Florida “pumping party.”

Yes, really.

The “patient” nearly died after the toxic materials injected into her rumpus-roastus worked their way through her body. She wound up in the hospital with pneumonia-like symptoms and large, infected welts on her ass from all the junk sloshing around inside her trunk

Sadly, no one in Morris’ social circle saw it coming and the patient never batted an eye at the Super Glue sutures he administered to her backfield in motion during a procedure that would have made rapper Sir Mix-a-Lot proud.

Yes, really.

Police suspect that Morris, who is a transgender woman, is part of an underground network of medical amateurs who have been hosting pumping parties throughout South Florida for years. The parties are devoted to buttocks augmentation, which is fancy-pants talk for selling women the oversized ass of their dreams – commonly referred to as a “badonkadonk” in black communities – at a deep discount.

tishaTisha Campbell, here I come!

The really painful truth about this bone-headed practice is that it’s also a function of medical pricing and accessibility. U.S. cosmetic surgeons have the most ridiculous prices on the planet, which means that poor and middle-class women who think they need a little work, or a lot, wind up in the hands of dangerous amateurs. Like Morris, who allegedly charged $700 for the procedure.

Vera Lawrence died in March 2001 after silicone was injected into her ass during another South Florida pumping party, according to Miami Herald reporter Julie Brown. The alleged practitioners who treated Lawrence were not medical professionals either.

Morris’ client is still in poor health, but is slowly recovering from the May 2010 procedure. The patient’s identity is being withheld to protect her from her own stupidity.

Morris was arrested in November and charged with practicing medicine without a license and causing bodily harm. He appears to be suffering from the adverse physical effects of his own procedures.

It took Florida Department of Health investigators more than a year to sort their way through this bizarre incident, partly because the patient was too embarrassed to tell them exactly what was afoot. Or in this case, abutt.