The Lady was a “Trump”

Abandoned Ohio Sex Doll Traced to White House

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The “recreational mannequin” which prompted a police investigation Thursday in Ohio is actually a long lost and much loved member of the presidential household, according to law enforcement officials.

The Ohio Investigative Unit of the Ohio State Police used the silicon doll’s serial number to track down its manufacturer, distributor, and purchaser. The buxom, flaxen-haired, life-sized model is known as the “Hillary.” It’s made in China and distributed by London-based Silicon Sex World.

“I’m relieved and grateful that my precious Hillary has been recovered,” President Donald J. Trump said in a tweet Friday. “Our nation’s hearts and prayers go out to her owner. Which is me.”

The doll was sold to Russian President Vladimir Putin for $2,500 on June 12, 2017, according to Col. Paul Pride, Superintendent of the Ohio State Police. It was delivered to the White House as a birthday gift for the nation’s commander-in-chief two days later.

“The recreational mannequin bears a striking resemblance to First Daughter Ivana Trump,” Col. Pride said in a prepared statement. “It also kinda looks like Second Daughter Tiffany Trump, First Lady Melania Trump, First ex-wife Ivana Trump, Second ex-wife Marla Maples, sex worker Stormy Daniels, and soon to be ex-daughter-in-law Vanessa Trump.”

Forensic investigators were able to determine that Hillary Trump was abandoned – naked and afraid – in the area February. A time-frame which dovetails with the Feb. 5 presidential visit to the Sheffer Corporation in nearby Blue Ash, Ohio.

Presidential Advisor Kellyanne Conway said President Trump was relieved by the news and looking forward to being reunited with a treasured family member.

“The last time he saw Hillary was in the presidential limousine in February, during the ride out to the Sheffer Corporation with Donald Jr.,” Conway said. “The latter remained with the vehicle during the ensuing speech. The First Son, who was dealing with marital issues at the time, clearly has some explaining to do.”

Donald Trump Jr., 40, did not respond to repeated email requests for comment. He and his estranged wife Vanessa are currently getting a divorce. They have five children, including one which may actually have been sired by the silver spoon.

Daddy Trump is widely believed to be a Russian intelligence operative charged with undermining American democracy and destroying our nation’s foreign reputation. A mission he has already fulfilled, after just 19 months in office.

“The doll was my way of saying thanks to a valued employee for a job well done,” Putin said. “The fact that this model was named The Hillary gave us both a chuckle.”

Police were summoned to a wooded hillside Thursday near the Richardson Forest Preserve, about 20 miles north of Cincinnati, after a county work crew saw Hillary from a distance on. They assumed the nation’s First Sex Doll was a dead body wrapped in a garbage bag.

“It’s an easy mistake to make given Hillary’s life-like appearance,” Price said. “I’m just glad we were able to solve this mystery in a timely manner thanks to the dedication  and hard work of the men and women of the Ohio State Police, the Hamilton County Coroner’s Office, the Hamilton County Sheriff’s Office, Dunkin Donuts, the FBI, ATF, NSA, Krispy Kreme, DOD, Bob Evans Restaurants – hey wake up, I’m talking to you –  and the Colerain Police Department. This was truly a multi-jurisdictional effort.”

The Hillary normally retails for $1,900, but Putin also purchased several accessories to push the total to an even $2,500. They included a tongue, stain remover, Cohiba travel humidor, spray tan aerosol dispenser, transsexual adapter, and 6-in-1 Golf Divot Tool.

The revelation that the president has a life-like sex doll didn’t make a dent in his popularity with likely Republican voters and incestuous hill-folk who are missing half their teeth. However, its nation of origin did set some tongues wagging in Trumplicker circles.

“The president should be buying American when it comes to his life-size sex dolls,” said Chris Cantwell, chairman of the president’s White Supremacist Advisory Board. “It’s an insult to the handful of remaining manufacturing workers in the United States for the commander-in-chief to be  masturbating with a Chinese-made sex doll. For shame Mr. President.”

Hillary Trump is currently listed in stable condition at the Silicone Sex World warehouse store in Winter Garden, Fla. The staff there expects the doll, who the president refers to as “My Precious,” to be restored to factory fresh showroom status by Tuesday. Just in time for another presidential golfing vacation.

Trump’s approval rating surged 6 percent, to a six-month high of 18 percent in Gallup’s weekly presidential job rating poll after he publicly claimed ownership of Hillary.

Stormy Daniels, the former porn star who slept with Trump in 2006-2007, said that if the president had known how gullible his supporters were he never would have paid her $130,000 to remain silent about their Viagra-driven affair.

“I’m not surprised President Trump has a sex doll that looks like me because he’s a total freak,” said Stormy Daniels, who is suing Trump. “Even by porn industry standards.”

Daniels described Trump as having Yeti pubes and a toadstool penis in her tell-all book about the alleged affair. The president has denied having a toadstool penis, but acknowledged the Yeti pubes, according to Conway.

“He’s afraid to trim them himself and too much of a germaphobe to let anyone else do it,” Conway explained. “What can I say, boss man has issues.”

The attention the sex doll has generated prompted a telephone poll Friday by The Gallup Organization, which asked 5,673 likely voters which member of the Trump family they thought Hillary Trump most resembled.

Tiffany Trump, the president’s daughter with Marla Maples,  finished first. Sixty-nine year old Ivana Trump was second.

The outcome prompted daughter Ivanka to call bullshit.

“Gallup is fake news,” she said. “I’m the prettiest Trump and the inspiration for this sex doll. Everyone knows this. It might be named Hillary but it looks almost exactly like me. Chrissakes, it’s a custom made doll.”

Factcheck.org and Snopes both disputed that claim, noting that 450 Hillarys were sold to U.S. customers alone in 2017 by Silicone Sex World. Trump owns five of the company’s 267 pre-configured models, according to founder Andy Phelps. Including the $3,600 Leo (right).

“If it’s good enough for the commander-in-chief of the most powerful nation on Earth, it’s probably good enough for you,” Phelps said. “Easy financing is available. Just tell me what I have to do to get you into a silicone sex doll. Call now. Operators are standing by.”

 

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