Former presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton wasn’t trying to get Donald Trump elected when she identified the wealthy huckster as her preferred opponent in 2016, any more than John McCain was trying to put Sarah Palin in The Oval Office by naming her his running mate in 2008.
The two political hookers were just busily advancing themselves by any means necessary. So busily that they never stopped to consider the potential damage their selfish and opportunistic behavior might do to the Republic.
After all, what were the odds of a silver spoon bigot or a failed sports journalist being voted into office by a desperate electorate beset by job destruction, wage theft, political corruption, homelessness, corporate misconduct, suicide, alcoholism, mass shootings, police brutality, terrorism, toxic elites, runaway medical costs, soaring tuition, foreclosure fraud, automation, opioid abuse, a meth epidemic, bankruptcy, forever war and the primitive tribalism of identity politics?
Turns out, pretty damn good.
Which is why The Cynical Times named Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump co-winners of its coveted Ugly American of the Year Award for 2017 on Christmas Day.
“Choosing between these twin cancers of the American soul was a Herculean task and we just weren’t up to it,” said Selection Committee Chair Tommy Morello. “Sure, Trump is a little dick mofo who is about to launch a needless war against North Korea, but if Hillary had won we’d probably be in a needless war with Iran right now.”
The Duchess and the Dotard are both fans of the dictatorial powers of a wartime president, added the former Rage Against the Machine guitarist.
“We’re talking about two lifelong civilians here who didn’t get beat up nearly enough in junior high school,” Morello said. “They both have a lot to prove. Preferably via the heroic sacrifice and needless suffering of America’s poor and faltering middle class.”
The selection committee faced a similar dilemma when it sought to compare the complete abandonment of the masses by a Democratic Party with their doppelgangers on the right, who have also sold us out to monied interests. The two big political machines are now dominated by toxic elites like House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) and Paul Ryan (R-Wis.), whose personal development has been stunted by country club walls, gated communities, and exclusive private schools.
The award is based on five negative criteria: scapegoating, corruption, lies, hubris, and damage done. The co-winners scored high in each.
“Hillary and Trump put corporate profits ahead of people and have both divided America via the scourge of identity politics,” said Colin Kaepernick, the committee’s only professional athlete. “She employs code words like ‘deplorables’ to vilify white men of modest means and he scapegoats just about everybody.”
After weeks of deadlock, the 14-member selection committee determined it was impossible to separate the Dotard from the Duchess in terms of which of them was the most treasonous. The judges were equally divided about which could do the most good for the human race simply by removing themselves from it.
Previous winners of the dubious national honor include sausage wallet Kim Kardashian, professional liar Rupert Mudoch, hatemongers Roger Ailes and Anne Coulter, the reptilian Koch Brothers, activist basher Michael Bloomberg, Pharma Bro Martin Shkreli, democracy underminer Dick Cheney, swindler Bernie Madoff, and job destroyers Al Dunlap and Tom Donahue.
The award carries a $5 million cash prize, payable to Cynical from the winner. No one ever pays off, but there are high hopes someone will one day among the refugees from the mainstream news media on our staff.
Both Hillary and Trump said they were humbled by their recognition as two of the most destructive human beings on Planet Earth. They belong to a generation of toxic elites who see themselves as the new royals of the global economy.
Trump acknowledged the award in an unscripted speech at the medium security federal prison near Butner, N. C. The correctional facility is home to former Wall Street predator Bernie Madoff.
“I’m honored to be honored with this honor and delighted by the lovely cell which has been set aside for me here,” Trump said. “I think I speak for both Hillary and myself when I say that neither of us ever imagined we would one day rise to such rarefied heights. I know I didn’t when I visited my dad here back in 1964 as I was flunking out of Fordham University and securing the first of my five draft deferments.”
Hillary Clinton declined comment on the Ugly American Award in the absence of a $250,000 speaking fee. She and her husband Bill have amassed more than $153 million from pay-to-play political bribes in the guise of speaking fees since 2001. Mostly from big banks and Wall Street investment firms seeking to profit from the suffering of the poor and middle class.
“You’ve got to pay for the pleasure of my company,” Hillary told this reporter, quoting the character of Bill the Butcher from the film “Gangs of New York.”
Trump and Hillary bested a field of nominees which included disgraced movie mogul Harvey Weinstein, Russian dictator Vladimir Putin, the House of Saud, professional sellout Omarosa Manigault, comedian and druggist Bill Cosby, Philippines President Rodrigo Duterte, liar for hire Kellyanne Conway, Syrian strongman Bashar al-Assad, and Facebook cofounder Mark Zuckerberg.
A frustrated Weinstein suggested afterward that the win by the Dotard and the Duchess was political.
“How do I not win this year?” the former movie mogul groused while attending a seminar in West Hampton, N.Y., entitled “Growing Old Alone and Unloved.”
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