Zealot wants "Modern Family" pulled

Cynical Editor replies with "letter to a religious nutjob"

by
Published:
in Satire & Humor
http://press.cynicaltimes.org/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/modern1.jpg

Let's get this straight McKay Hatch, you and your "Campaign Against Cussing" have crossed the motherfucking line with your recent attack on the Modern Family TV show and decent hardworking people like me are not going to take it anymore.

We're fighting for basic survival in the worst economic climate for the American middle class in nearly a century and you and your fellow religious nuts are worried about cusswords?

Are you out of your intolerant 18-year-old mind?

Look kid, I'm worried about paying the rent, high gasoline prices, and having a heart attack without health insurance. I don't have time for this shit.

Not only that, but I love to cuss. We all do. "Fuck" and "shit" may be the most versatile words in the English language.

I shit you not.

The painful truth is that you have the legal and moral right to do a lot of fucked up shit in the United States. If you want to steal homes from little old ladies, you're free to trick them into predatory mortgages; if you're willing to prostitute yourself to business interests, we've got a seat for you in the U.S. Congress; and if you want to get rich on blood money you can deny care to the uninsured while showering senior citizens covered by Medicare with unnecessary medical procedures. You can even start a needless war to help your political supporters raid the treasury.

But you and your "Campaign Against Cussing" may not fuck with the Modern Family television show in my world just because you embrace a Mormon faith that demonizes gays and frowns on gay marriage. How dare you call on ABC to pull this week's episode.

As if that's not enough, your schoolboy ass wants to substitute milquetoast words like “sassafras,” “barnacles” and  “oh, pickles” for visceral epithets like "fuck," "asshole," "shit," and "cocksucker?"

Bitch please.

Good cusswords are just about the only thing the fading middle class can still afford in this nation. I'm not about to give mine up.

When it comes to profanity, no other nation can compete with us. If cusswords weren't so popular we wouldn't have so many - like dickhead and douchebag.

Did you know that the Korean language of Hangugo doesn't even have a proper cussword for "asshole?" The closest thing they have is the word "Tokkomo," which literally means "gate for shit." It's actually a fairly apt description of you and your fellow religious intolerants, who keep trying to dictate how the rest of us should live our lives. 

The painful truth is I'm looking forward to hearing 2-year-old Lily get bleeped tonight for saying "fuck" while she's serving as an angelic flower girl (the child actress playing her actually says "fudge"). And I'm looking forward to seeing her dad - and her other dad - try to deal with that scandalous behavior in tonight's episode at 9 p.m. EST.

My wife and I are going to be laughing our asses off.

If you don't like it, you and the Tim Tebows of the world don't have to watch Modern Family, which won the 2010 Emmy Award for best comedy. The show also was named best musical or comedy series by the Golden Globes.

After all, there's always your fellow religious nut Kirk Cameron. He makes some great stuff. I've never watched any of it myself for more than 30 seconds but I'm told it's riveting.

Just change the channel to something with Kirk in it or any of the other sterile pap that passes for acceptable entertainment in your repressive religious belief system.

Why?

First, because Modern Family is hysterical and beleaguered middle-class Americans need all the laughs we can get right now. I don't know if you've been keeping up with current events, but we got fucked over bigtime by the failed presidency of your fellow religious nut, George W. Bush, and we're still paying for his silver spoon nonsense.

And second, because this kind of shit happens in the real world.

Not the intolerant homogeneous shadow world of the Mormon Church in which women are props, blacks are inferior and gays are sinners, but the real world where we define other people by the things they control instead of the things they can't change.

It's fairly apparent that your "Campaign Against Cussing" is in many ways really your daddy's campaign (right), and that he's hiding behind you to avoid being told off by people like my deceased Great Aunt Foofie. She would have whispered to you both to "go fuck yourselves" with a smile on her face, then turned to me and told me to be nice.

Foofie (below right) was like that. She was a nice lady, but she knew when it was time to drop an F-bomb on a deserving asshole.

"Pickles" would not have worked for her.

Foofie wasn't anti-Mormon and neither am I, but we're both opposed to religious chauvinism.

You don't have to be intolerant of other viewpoints to be Mormon and I'd like to think the vast majority of Mormons are not. I know that neither my mother, who died a Mormon, nor any of my Mormon friends have ever balked at the proper use of a good cuss word.

So, get over yourself McKay, get your fucking nose out of my fucking livingroom, and stop trying to dictate what my wife and I can watch. You little bitch.

We pay taxes in the middle class, and we pay more than our fair share, and we're going to watch whatever we want.

I think I speak for decent people everywhere when I say "I'm tired of this kind of shit." We all are.

We're no longer looking to intolerant religious nuts like you and Tim Tebow for leadership. First, because this nation simply can no longer afford your delusional shit. And second, because you make life suck for the rest of us. 

That's the painful truth, right there.

Decent people are regularly besieged by religious nuts of every stripe and all you do is make us less religious. Hence, this column.

I don't normally fill my articles with profanity, but I'll be goddamned if any intolerant religious nut is going to tell me what I can watch on my own television set.

It's not just you either. A raft of religious groups are now trying to slander the Modern Family show as "homosexual propaganda."

What garbage.

You and your fellow zealots need to get a fucking clue. Buy a motherfucking vowel. Do something, but understand that what's mine is mine. And these gay guys you're attacking are my relatives and my friends. They are people's brothers, uncles, cousins, sons and co-workers.

They're also a helluva lot more fun than the faithful to party with. And that counts for more than you know.

Bottom line, to get to them, religious extremists like you and Tebow and the shameful Westboro Baptist Church (below left) have got to go through people like me and we're not stepping aside any more.

All of which means this anti-gay shit is done. You're done. Move on.

westboroYou know, I used to attend synagogue from time to time on Friday nights completely of my own volition. I enjoyed the feeling of community and the familar sights and sounds that reminded me of my childhood. They were always very much the same no matter what community I found myself in during my professional travels.

Then my sister became a Hasidic Jew in 1988 or so and started pushing their extremist agenda on me, and I have been heading in the other direction ever since. That's about par for the course in middle-class America.

You religious nuts are turning us all into atheists. Get your damn religion out of my face already.

I don't need the religious equivalent of a political lobbyist to get God's attention and I don't need to be part of some huge religious organization, with titles, hierarchy and leaders living like rockstars at my expense.

To borrow a line from Agent Smith in the Matrix film trilogy: "I can't stand it any longer. It's the smell, if there is such a thing. I feel saturated by it. I can taste your stink and every time I do, I fear that I've somehow been infected by it."

We know you and the Tebows of the world are out there, bursting with idle sperm and frustrated sexual energy because your faith won't allow you to get laid until after you're married. We know you've been programmed to fantasize about being warriors in a holy war in which the faithful are always "good" and those who think otherwise are always "evil," and can be killed and tortured with righteous immunity.

TebowThat's why you've got your "Campaign Against Cussing;" that's why Mel Gibson keeps making movies that celebrate characters who torture, mutilate and dehumanize people with other viewpoints; and that's really why Tebow has to thank God profusely every time he completes a pass. Tebow has even taken to scribbling biblical verses in the eye-black (right) football players daub on their faces, no doubt because his completions are so far and few between.

God forbid the rest of us should just be allowed to enjoy the fucking game for more than five seconds without being proselytized.

I don't know about you, but I don't watch football for the cheerleaders, the half-time lip synching or to share the alleged word of God. I watch it because I love the game.

I want to see some egotistical wide receiver get caught crossing the middle by a heavy hitter like Ray Lewis. If there were any justice in the word, that crumpled wideout would then point skyward from their back as if to say "God, why hast thou forsaken me - I tithe?"

Seriously man, there may be nothing that trivalizes God so much as the idiotic idea that he or she actually gets involved in gridiron plays to help one of their "children" best another. With the possible exception of the religious commercials that now pepper football broadcasts to advance the faithful's "us" and "them" forever war.

For example, the "ChristianMingle.com" dating site tells each viewer that "you're Christian, you're single and you're looking for a meaningful relationship." But what about those of us who are none of those things and wind up serving as a hostage audience to this crap? The ad's uniform assumptions not only imply that people who think differently don't matter, but that we don't even exist.

The bottom line is that religious chauvinism is always bad. It doesn't really matter who wins and who loses. Ultimately we all lose - a painful fact you and your fellow Mormons are likely to be confronted with in the upcominChristian Mingleg presidential election.

I can save you all a lot of time and suffering right now - if your fellow Mormon Mitt Romney wins the Republican nomination his campaign is not going to have a happy ending. He's going to be spurned by the intolerant far right you think you belong to, which is going to use the same kind of politically acceptable code words against him that have been directed at President Barack Obama.

The far right's hate-filled nonsense is just too much for most decent people. We want religion to be a more private matter.

However, unlike the faithful, we don't need to legislate morality. We have humor.

That's why the spoof of the Christan Mingle ads (below right) is so much more popular with us than the ads themselves (above left).
spoof
Meanwhile, Al Quaeda is cutting infidel heads off, religious nuts are shooting abortion doctors here in the U.S., Sunni Muslims and Shiite Muslims are killing one another in the Middle East, Egyptian Muslims are killing their Coptic Christian neighbors, Catholics and Protestants are killing eachother up in Ireland, Hindus and Muslims are killing eachother in India, and Hasidic Jews are clustered around a cemetery in Queens - waiting for Grand Rebbe Menachem Mendel Schneerson to come back from the dead. They drop their prayers in a paper shredder and leave the scraps on his grave.

We've also got ongoing three-way free-for-alls between Jews, Christians and Muslims in the Middle East and between Catholics, Eastern Orthodox Christians and Muslims in the former Yugoslavia. Clearly, the fake violence of professional wrestling is not a patch on the primitive tribal butchery of  organized religion.

Hell, the Boko Haram Islamic extremists in Nigeria just killed 40 Christians on Christmas Day. And Hasidic Jews are wearing black wool in Miami until they turn beet red and spitting in the faces of conservative Jewish women in Jerusalem who won't cover their arms. Oh yeah, let's not forget the rampant pedophilia plaguing the Catholic Church and the Catholic nuts who actually crucify themselves every Christmas in the Phillipines in some misguided effort to "honor" Jesus Christ.

Ain't organized r1994 Rwanda Genocideeligion grand?

The painful truth is that more human beings have been murdered due to religious conflict than any other disease. Organized religion's impressive body count suggests it's a plague on the human race. Not a blessing.

Historically, religion is the single best reason in the world to throw virgins into volcanoes and swing babies into walls by their heels. Babies who may not even know their gender or skin color, much less the name their family uses to refer to the invisible dude in the sky.

To recap - organized religion is up to its collective eyesballs in the blood of innocents and you're worried about a little girl who said "fudge?"Pear

Are you out of your motherfucking mind?

Had you and Tebow been born a few centuries earlier you might very well be torturing nonbelievers with devices like the Catholic Church's notorious Pear of Anguish (right) and burning them alive. Because that's what intolerant religious nuts historically have done to their fellow man.

The bottom line is you're not making the lives of your fellow Americans any better by trying to force your beliefs on us. You're making them worse.

In fact, it's safe to assume at this point that those of us who are tolerant of other viewpoints get it. We get that you think you're special and you'd like to be noticed. More than that, we get that you would like to lead the rest of us from your dorm room at Brigham Young University - where healthy young adults are regularly disciplined for  engaging in pre-marital sex.

Nothing impresses the ladies at BYU so much as a little religious crusading.

There's only one problAuschwitzem: the fact that you and Tebow are overflowing with energy does not mean you're qualified to lead the rest of us. The painful truth is that you don't really inhabit the same world as we do, which is filled with pre-marital sex, pork, alcoholic beverages, pornography, caffeine, doobies, profanity and enlightened tolerance for the incredible diversity that makes this a great nation.

Meanwhile you belong to a religion that thinks pre-marital sex is a sin and forbids the consumption of coffee and other caffeinated beverages. In sum, no fun of any kind.

Take it from someone that was born into a religion that thinks eating pork and shrimp is sinful - sometimes you just have to think for yourself. Sometimes you just have to make like the rapper Sir Mix-A-Lot and gleefully shout: "I like big butts and I cannot lie" no matter how juvenile it sounds.
Sir Mix A Lot
The bottom line is that if God hadn't wanted us to eat bacon and eggs with rye bread toast, or shimp with lobster sauce, he wouldn't have made them so damn delish. And if God hadn't wanted us to "get sprung" while ogling a shapely derrier he wouldn't have made people like Tisha Campbell, Meghan Fox, Salma Hayek and Brad Pitt so smoking hot.

You feel me?

No, you probably don't. That would be a sin for you.

In researching this story I found a line at the 3:20 mark of your YouTube clip that seemed to sum you up in a nutshell: "I don't care what these people think," you said. "I only care what God thinks."
grolsch
See, that's the problem. You think you're close to God.

Let's stop and think through that religious nuttery for a second.

If you're really so close to God, why is it that I'm writing this column? Why is it that millions of other Americans keep sending a collective "fuck you" your way?

Is it all really the work of the Devil? 

Or could it be that you and your fellow religious nuts are just narcissistic assholes who suck all the fun out of life for the rBradyest of us?

Look man, if I was working for the devil would I really be living in a walkup apartment in northern New Jersey and drinking Miller Genuine Draft? I think we can all agree that I'd have better accommodations and better beer - something along the lines of a Grolsch fliptop (above right).

At the very least I'd have an elevator. I sure as hell would not be paying $12 just to cross the George Washington Bridge into Manhattan, for fuck's sake.

And if Tebow is really so close to God, why did he and Denver just suffer a 45-10 shellacking at the hands of the New England Patriots? You'd think God could have helped his disciple out just a little bit, instead of letting him complete only nine of 26 passes for a pathetic 136 yards.

The floundering virgin didn't pass for a single touchdown. Meanwhile, the Patriots' oversexed Tom Brady (above left) - who is banging supermodel Gisele Bundchen (below left) with such reckless abandon that his hair is falling out - completed 26 of 34 passes for a biblical 363 yards and a godly six TDsGisele.

Since you religious freaks think God is actively involved in such trivial events – while simultaneously turning a blind eye to natural disasters and genocide – this lopsided outcome can only mean that God hates Tim Tebow and the Denver Broncos. And the fact that I'm writing this column can only mean that God thinks you're a pain in the ass.

How do I know?

Because I'm the grand rebbe of the Gin and Tonica and Marijuanica sect of Judaism - self appointed - and God speaks to me through Modern Family. He says that I am the motherfucking man and that I must share my message of gratuitous profanity with all the nonbelievers of the world.

How can I prove I'm right?
Gloria
Well, I've got $50 that says little Lilly curses her tiny ass off tonight and Cam and Mitchell can't do a goddamn thing about it. I've got another $50 that says Gloria's "barnacles" bounce all over her motherfucking "sassafrass."

Look kid, I'm not trying to hurt you. I just want you to stop bombarding the rest of us with this kindergarten nonsense.

Have a beer, get laid, smoke a doobie, drop a few eff bombs and then we'll talk. If you still feel the same way afterward I promise to give you another listen.

But between now and then, you can take a flying fuck at a rolling donut.

 


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