President Donald Trump’s favorite right-wing “journalist” severed his own penis Sunday morning and repeatedly gagged himself with it in a bizarre public mutilation in downtown Austin, Texas.
“Heavy lies the crown on the brow of the king of all media,” an intoxicated Alex Jones mumbled as he was being treated by paramedics, before repeatedly shouting “I’m sorry Quentin" in an apparent reference to bodyguard Quentin Carter.
The self-described “entertainer” was fueled by a volatile combination of 18-year-old Macallan single malt whisky and the semi-synthetic opioid OxyCodone. He was clad in a bloody pair of Spiderman Underoos and a red wig.
Never a good mix.
Austin Police found the InfoWars host sitting in a pool of his own blood and excrement on the steps of the University of Texas Tower Building. The words “I’ll always love you Quentin” were scrawled beside him in burnt orange.
“When my K-9 partner Lucca and I encountered Mr. Jones, he was cooperative but confused,” Austin Police Officer Daryl Seagrave said. “He informed me that he was a method actor and this was all part of his preparation for a segment on Charles Whitman. When I asked him why he had a severed penis in his mouth he said he was hungry and mistook it for a Slim Jim.”
Whitman, a former Marine sharpshooter, killed 14 people and wounded 31 from the University Tower in a 1966 mass shooting.
Jones’ mental breakdown reportedly occurred after he was dumped by longtime girlfriend KellyAnne Conway, according to Seagrave. The presidential adviser said she was sick of his smartass remarks about her colorful wardrobe and felt threatened by his budding bromance with bodyguard Quentin Carter.
“Fuggin Quentin, this is all his fault,” said Conway. “He ruined our relationship with his great big muscular ass and his great big hairy beard. How can any woman compete with that?”
Carter is a former Blackwater mercenary trying to make a career in showbiz in the hopelessly crowded Former Special Forces Genre.
"It's hard to stand out in Hollywood, let alone make a living, when half the guys from Special Operations Command are there," Carter lamented after learning of the incident. "Now I have to find a new gig."
Jones, 44, has struggled with a raft of personal challenges in recent years, according to police. They include steroids, alcohol, Muslims, immigrants, women, inflamed hemorrhoids, seasonal affective disorder, low testosterone, manboobs, arsberger syndrome, thigh chafing, enuresis, bulimia, winter weight gain, depression, attention deficit disorder, ED, PTSD, hypochondria, road rage, dogs and cats living together, Communists, Jews, premature ejaculation, fluoride, vaccines, hives, head lice, Branch Davidians, bed bugs, worms, mass hysteria, and gun control.
"Aleck Jonz is a fragile genius," Trump said in a poorly spelled tweet after hearing the news. "My thoughts and prayhers are with him and his family at this difficull time. This is a tremendous loss for The Right Wing Lie Machine."
The conspiracy theorist's problems intensified this week when advertisers began pressuring YouTube to stop running their ads beside his inflammatory broadcasts. Jones sparked outrage with a video claiming the students who spoke out against gun violence after the Florida massacre were actors.
Critics have lambasted the claim as a complete fabrication and a knowing lie by a performance artist seeking to personally profit from the chaos of the Trump Era.
Seventeen people were killed and 14 wounded in the Feb. 14 shooting at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida.
Jones' life first began to come off the rails after the untimely death of longtime mentor Andrew Breitbart in 2012. He's been embroiled in a war of words with fellow propagandist James O’Keefe ever since, which some political insiders have likened to the deadly rap feud between Biggie and Tupac.
“Coping skills are not the man's strong suit,” Seagrave said, noting that Lucca had to be sedated after the incident. “He put on a helluva show this morning. I don’t know if my dog will ever be the same.”
Trump quickly tweeted that his "thoughts and prayhers" were with Lucca and the Austin Police Department at this "difficull time."
Jones was resting comfortably in stable condition at The Judge Guy Herman Center for Mental Health as of Sunday night, according to Nursing Supervisor Kelly Sowa. Doctors were unable to reattach his severed penis, but were able to prevent the Wingnut favorite from bleeding out.
“Mr. Jones seems pretty happy here,” said Sowa. “I’ve got a feeling he’s going to be entertaining our patients and staff for quite a while."
University of Texas Film Student Glenda Amakwe said she was walking to the library at 7 a.m. when she saw what appeared to be a gigantic, fat clown performing on the Tower steps. It turned out to be Jones, who is a former community college student with no affiliation with the school.
“When I saw him he was yelling ‘I’m as mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore,’ which is a famous line from the film Network,” Amakwe said. “Then he started screaming ‘I’m sorry’ again and again, just like Henry Hill’s wife in Goodfellas. You’ve got to hand it to the man, he really knows his films.”
This article is a work of satire which is meant to entertain. It's neither fake news nor propaganda, which are meant to manipulate and mislead. With satire, the writer always lets readers in on the joke at some point. Exactly when depends on you.