Remember the saying about those who don’t know history being destined to repeat it?
That’s us right now. Not lower case “us,” but upper case “US.” As in the United States of America.
We’re in play on the world stage, where we're under attack from within by a Russian stooge. Bigly. As in we’re not watching history unfold, we are history unfolding.
Why am I saying this now, after more than a year of biding my time on Trump's alleged ties to Russia?
Because I'm a student of history and the revelation that the same Russian billionaire who funneled $500,000 to Trump-fixer Michel Cohen also purchased alt-right website names in 2016 and 2017 – nearly two years before Trump was elected on a platform of group hate – is the best evidence yet that the Donnie Trustfund Presidency is at least partly the result of a Russian intelligence operation. In much the same way that Vladimir Lenin – the man who destroyed Czarist Russia – was a German plant during World War I.
If this doesn’t make sense to you it’s because you don’t read enough. Which is a nice way of saying you may be one of the useful idiots who gets most of their information from television or one of the educated idiots who confuses memorization with critical thinking.
Lord knows there's plenty of both these days.
Look, give this over-educated, obnoxious, working class, liberal, know-it-all a couple minutes and I’ll edu-mi-cate you. Using pop culture references even a useful idiot can understand.
The information I've seen suggests Trump may be a Russian Trojan Horse, in much the same way Communist Revolutionary Vladimir Lenin was a German Trojan Horse during World War I.
Lenin as in “V.I. Lenin,” to quote Walter in “The Big Lebowski.” Meaning “Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov.” Not John Lenin - the British guy who cofounded The Beatles, thought Yoko Ono was dreamy, and wrote the lyrics “I am the Walrus.”
“Trojan Horse” as in that big wooden thing filled with Greeks in the film “Troy.”
The film that starred Brad Pitt as a Greek soldier with a British accent, blonde tresses, and a full body wax job?
Nevermind that Greek men are to body hair as bears are to fur, speak Greek with a Greek accent for the most part, and tend to have olive skin and dark hair. Making Greeks look Greek would be akin to making Christ look Semitic for a Hollywood film industry that deals in comforting lies, sins of omission and cookie cutter sequels.
But I digress.
A little background. Germany’s Kaiser Wilhelm used V.I. Lenin to undermine the Russian Empire during World War I (1914-1918). He lost the so-called "War to End All Wars," but not before Lenin helped foment a revolution that ended the Russian monarchy and its involvement in the conflict.
Both countries were ruled by absolute monarchs who feared liberalism, socialism, communism and democracy when the war began. Which makes bankrolling a monarchy-hating Communist akin to putting the Bubonic Plague in baby formula for them.
As Lenin himself once explained "There are no morals in politics. There is only expedience. A scoundrel may be useful to us precisely because he is a scoundrel."
Or a treasonous rich sonofabitch like Trump and the other self-proclaimed "Masters of the Universe" on Wall Street, who put love of money ahead of love of country.
Why would Russia need a bunch of racist websites in America spewing group hate?
Why would they need thousands of Facebook ads spewing division here?
Why would they need to bankroll a divisive U.S. presidential candidate with no governing experience, little interest in public service, and a history of doing shady things for money?
It makes no sense in a global economy where American elites now consider themselves citizens of the world. Unless the Russians and Chinese counterparts still think of themselves as Russian and Chinese and see an opportunity for some payback in Wall Street's ridiculous "profits over people" ethos.
Could be they saw our toxic elites dividing the masses and undermining democracy amid a climate of rampant political corruption, and decided to hijack that dangerous game with one of their own. What better way to foment revolution at a time of gaping U.S. wealth inequality than by putting a rich buffoon in The Oval Office who hates the working class?
Enter Donnie Trustfund, stage right.
"Revenge is a dish best served cold," according to Khan in Star Trek II, The Wrath of Kahn.
Russia was allied with Britain, France and the U.S. when Germany turned Lenin loose on Russia at the height of World War I. Its other allies included the two monarchies in Turkey and The Austro-Hungarian Empire.
It was a fight to the death. As in “all is fair in love and war.”
Just like the Cold War between the U.S. and Communist Russia which began after World War II – that was the second war to end all wars – and supposedly ended in a victory for The West in 1991.
Someone apparently forgot to tell Vladimir Putin that the Cold War was over and his side lost. Because homeboy, who is named for Vladimir Lenin, just connected on a Hail Mary pass in the waning seconds of the Russian-American battle for global supremacy by getting Trump in The Oval Office. One that makes “Hail Flutie” look boring by comparison.
It couldn't have happened if The Predatory 1 Percent wasn't subverting democracy and giving the American people yet another fake election featuring dueling Wall Street cheerleaders.
More historical background.
Hail Flutie is the name of the last-minute "Hail Mary" style touchdown pass Doug Flutie threw for Boston College to defeat the heavily favored University of Miami in 1984. Back when UM Coach Jimmie Johnson was the poster child for NCAA recruiting violations.
The desperate heave ho went down in history – that thing Americans don’t know very well – as one of the greatest college football plays of all time.
By contrast, Hail Vlad is probably just going to be considered the greatest political play in modern history when it's all said and done and the Good Old USA is a shell of its former self.
Let me ad lib the play-by-play for you:
“Vladimir Putin drops back to pass. The gritty Russian president is flushed from the pocket. He scans the field. The clock is winding down on a diminished Russia as Vlad heaves the ball downfield in a last second bid for victory in the Cold War Bowl.
“And, it’s caught. It’s caught. Do you believe in Miracles?"
“Vlad Putin - the blue collar kid from St. Petersburg - has just snatched an improbable last-second, fairy-tale, come-from-behind victory over the capitalist running dogs of the heavily favored Americans. And the Ruskies Win the Pennant. The Ruskies Win the Pennant.”
Not bad, huh?
If only there was a pennant in college football, I'd be all set.
The painful truth is that if we don’t get our heads out of asses on the fake Trump presidency we’re going to be in the role of UM. The big favorite going down in defeat to the gritty Russian underdog.
And when the screenplay is finally turned into a major motion picture, we’ll be the villains. Instead of the good guys.
Meaning there's a lot more at stake here than the misguided pride of some Jello-eating Wingnuts who love Donnie Trustfund and pass the time by bullying the other residents of their Assisted Living Communities.
Too much information?
I told you, we're friggin stupid America.
Without our mindless adulation of money and fame, Hail Vlad never happens.
Try to read one word at a time if this column starts to feel overwhelmingly. Like say fifth grade math. We’re going to get through this together.
A little more background. A Trojan Horse is something that looks like a gift but is loaded with death. Much like the blankets impregnated with measles and smallpox distributed to Native Americans in the 1800s. Or the Poison Pills that financiers craft to ward off unwanted corporate acquisitions.
That’s why you don’t want to be the recipient of a Trojan Horse, or the silver spoon mofo now infesting the White House.
The rich have traditionally maintained their power by turning the masses against eachother. Trump has followed that familiar path by vilifying everyone but white males and - surprise, surprise, surprise – The Ruskies. Our traditional enemy.
Gee, I wonder why?
How about some arguments against Trump being a Russian pawn?
The best one is that Putin is still very much a product of The Union of Soviet Socialist Republics. The old Communist Russia that fell apart in 1991.
Communism is the polar opposite of the kind of racial supremacy and group scapegoating favored by Fascists, Nazis and the useful idiots supporting Trump. Just as Communism is the polar opposite of the inherited power of absolute monarchy. Like the kings and queens who ruled Germany and Russia during World War I.
So why would Putin unleash the poison of Trump's primitive tribalism – also known as identity politics – on an unsuspecting America?
How about, "because it works" and he doesn't care what he has to do to win. We're talking about a guy here who took pride in butchering more than 80,000 of his own people in the breakaway Republic of Chechnya from 1999 to 2009. Clearly, the ends justifies the means for him. Just as it does for a CEO destroying American jobs so he can cash in some stock options and buy a date with Stormy Daniels or Melania Knauss.
Employing a revolutionary puppet is the same ruthless approach that worked for the Germans during World War I and has worked for us in Chile, Nicaragua, Iraq, Iran, Egypt, Vietnam and dozens of other countries. So, there is a kind of precedent for this garbage.
The Kaiser’s fighting men were scattered in combat theaters in the Middle East, Turkey, Western Europe and Eastern Europe during World War I. Knocking Russia out of the war by seeding a revolution against its Czar allowed Germany to shift more than 1 million fighting men to other theaters of combat.
Unleashing Lenin was a master stroke of intelligence and duplicity. The kind of thing you would expect a Russian politician with a background in German history and intelligence to know about. Which is exactly who Vladimir Putin is.
The former KGB (USSR Secret Service) agent speaks German fluently and worked as an intelligence operative in Eastern Germany before the collapse of the Soviet Union. So he knows the Lenin chapter of the Russian revolution very well.
National pride – nay self preservation – absolutely demand we flip the script on the Ruskies. That means making them wish they had never even thought of talking to Donnie Trustfund. Much less bankrolling his divisive group hate.
How do we do that?
First, we impeach the treasonous POS. Second, we undermine the global oil prices that the Russian economy depends on by way of communicating to them in the only language they understand. Which is the language of fuck-you-very-much.
I'm fluent in this language. As was Sean Connery in The Untouchables. Remember that flick with Robert Deniro as Al Capone and Connery as an honest cop?
"Here's how you get him," Connery explained. "He pulls a knife, you pull a gun. He sends one of yours to the hospital, you send one of his to the morgue. That's the Chicago Way."
Also the American Way. That's how we've survived in cruel world for so long and preserved the liberty, freedom, and democracy Trump and Putin now threaten. We sure as hell didn't survive and flourish by moving U.S. jobs to China to boost profits and throwing our own people under the proverbial bus.
As a principled liberal and an old school feminist, I abhor violence and the inherent injustice of a disproportionate reaction to a deserving mofo. But I can live with the horror of it.
Just like Marlon Brando in Apocalypse Now.
As the world’s foremost oil producer, the United States now has more influence on oil prices than anyone. And the Saudis – who are No. 2 – still friggin owe us for 9/11. Between them, Mexico and Canada we control the global oil spigot.
We can open it wide and flood the world with oil until Putin makes like Lorraine Bracco in Goodfellas and starts crying "I'm sorry."
We can begin by flooding global commodities markets with the 695 million barrels of oil in our Strategic Petroleum Reserve. We can further undermine global demand by increasing the speed with which we convert our domestic power grid to wind and solar.
What of Trump?
I see a jail cell and an orange jump suit in his future. Maybe some gentle waterboarding, too. Afterall, he's a big fan of the experience.
And trust me, no one is going to make a better prison inmate than this treasonous POS.
He deserves the best jail cell ever, because no one has ever been a bigger traitor than him.
Once Donnie Trustfund is gone, we can get down to the real business of America. Which is reining in Wall Street and the two political protection rackets in DC that are helping it kill America's middle class; reclaiming our democracy; and watching more flicks featuring Christina Hendricks. Her skin is supposed to be nearly as soft as Brad Pitt's.
Brad's skin is like butter.