U.S. Lawmakers to Introduce Robotic Citizens by 2020

Artificial Intelligence to Replace Class Warfare "Losers"

in Satire & Humor

Congressional Republicans and Democrats announced a tentative agreement Thursday to replace poor and middle class Americans with robots and artificial intelligence (AI) by 2020. President Trump immediately promised to sign the bill into law.

House Speaker Paul Ryan (R-Wis.) and House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) described the proposed legislation as a "cost-saving measure," which will reduce both the federal debt and government spending. It will accomplish this by replacing America's poor and middle class with robotic citizens.

The Population Rebalancing Act is expected to reduce federal government spending on welfare, education, food stamps, Social Security and Veterans Affairs by 98 percent in the first year alone. It will allow the U.S. to finally live within its means by eradicating those in need, according to Trump.

“Thanks to Silicon Valley’s wonderful work on artificial intelligence and robots, we don’t need to put up with saucy commoners any more,” Trump said. “Under this plan, America’s excess population will be humanely harvested over the next four years and replaced by robots. Leaving a country washed clean of poverty and need.”

The Congressional Tax Office estimates the Population Rebalancing Act will shrink the $17 trillion federal debt by as much as $5 trillion a year, and produce a budget surplus by 2021.

The U.S. population will shrink over the same timeline, contracting from its current 323 million to a target population of 37.1 million as its so-called "losers" are forced out or culled after 30 years of unremitting class warfare.

The revised headcount will be about equal to the state population of present-day California. It will include 11 million American millionaires and their families.

The population decline will be brought about painlessly, via the use of emigration and prescription opioids.

“We’re not animals,” said oilman Charles Koch. “Those poor and middle class Americans who can’t get out in time won’t feel a thing when they’re euthanized. The procedures won’t cost them a dime and we’ll recycle their carcasses afterward for use as fertilizer. This is my idea of free stuff.”

The proposal comes as Congress ponders the fate of tens of millions of workers idled by the offshoring of U.S. jobs and automation since 1980. Other options under consideration include adoption of a living wage and the creation of a guaranteed minimum income for all Americans.

The nation's 750,000 law enforcement personnel and 1.4 million active duty military will be spared.

"We can't do it without them, because they'd make too much trouble," said Ryan. "Fortunately, military and law enforcement personnel don't care what we do to anyone else."

A number of countries have already expressed interest in America's excess population, including Canada, Mexico, China and India. Mexican president Enrique Peña Nieto said he was streamlining immigration procedures to make it easier for U.S. residents to escape to Mexico.

"The people of the United States are educated, skilled, compassionate and will be a positive addition to our national population," said Nieto. "Intelligent - yeah, no - but we're still going to gobble up as many as we can.

The only group Mexico is not interested in are American's nativist conservatives, he said. They're too stupid to live, according to Nieto.

House Speaker Paul Ryan called upon all Americans to work together in this time of change to attain the capitalist ideal. The Population Rebalancing Act already has more than enough Congressional support and is being fast-tracked toward passage, according to Pelosi.

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell Jr. (R-Ky.) described the proposal as a simple message for the American people from their elected representatives. It comes at a time when Congress has a dismal 14 percent approval rating and a ridiculous 90 percent re-election rate.

"You screwed up people," McConnell said. "You trusted us."

The average net worth of the 535 members of Congress is now above $1 million. That compares with a median household income of $59,039 a year for the rest of us.

The wealth of federal lawmakers has surged since they voted to exclude themselves from laws prohibiting other Americans from trading on insider stock tips.

Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY), who sold his soul to Wall Street in 1981, said the Population Rebalancing Act exposes its takeover of U.S. democracy. And the giant redistribution of wealth to the rich from everyone else which has occurred since 1980.

"It's good to be rich," Schumer said. "I'm tired of pretending we care about anyone else."

Only U.S. Senators Bernie Sanders (D-NH) and Liz Warren (D-Mass.) have come out publicly in opposition to the Population Rebalancing Act, which they denounced as “genocide” and “class warfare.” Sanders said the proposal redefines the terms "society," "capitalism" and "democracy" to exclude workers and their families.

The term "society" historically has meant a community, nation, or broad grouping of people having common traditions, institutions, and collective activities and interests. Not just the rich and religious nuts.

Former President Bill Clinton and former presidential candidate Hillary Clinton said they view the proposal as the next step in human evolution. The Democratic couple amassed a personal fortune of more than $153 million from Wall Street payoffs disguised as excessive speaking fees.

"Elites One, masses zero," a triumphant Hillary said, waving a single index finger.

"Fuck y'all," added Bill.

The only remaining question is how quickly the Population Rebalancing Act can be implemented, according to Pelosi, who has amassed a family fortune of $87 million while in public service. Much of it via insider trading tips and IPO participation invitations from her friends in Silicon Valley.

“You folks in the unwashed masses brought this on yourself,” Pelosi said. “The days of rich people kissing worker ass are over. We don’t represent you anymore and haven’t for some time. By the way - you can all friggin blow me.”

The U.S. labor market has struggled during the past 20 years as Wall Street has moved U.S. industries overseas to exploit the gulf between Third World wages and First World prices. The results are long-term unemployment, surging corporate profits and a redistribution of U.S. wealth on a scale not seen since The Gilded Age.

For example, Mexican farmworkers employed by Driscoll’s Inc. make just $8 a day. A single small container of the berries each of them grow, harvest and pack by the hundreds daily sells for roughly the same amount in the U.S.

The Watsonville, Calif.-based company controls a third of the $6 billion American berry market. It's been transitioning to robots in recent years in a bid to continue to grow its profits.

“The nice thing about robots and AI is that we don’t have to pay them anything,” said Driscoll’s chairman J. Miles Reiter, who supports the Population Rebalancing Act. “They’re the perfect slave. You buy them, you maintain them, and they don’t make any trouble. They don’t get sick, they don’t get hungry, they don't have kids, and they don't tie up traffic in Ensenada marching for higher wages.”

Driscoll's plans to redirect its berries to China and India after the proposal becomes law. There won't be much of a U.S. market left for them afterward.

More than 8 million U.S. jobs were destroyed in mass layoff events from 2008 to 2013, before the government stopped making such data publicly available. The U.S. population grew by 12 million during the same period.

The percentage of Americans over 16 who have worked in the past six months was just 62.7 percent in October. That compares with 67 percent in October 2000. The rate has dropped steadily the past 20 years.

Only 127 million Americans currently have full-time jobs - about 39.3 percent of the total U.S. population. That compares with an official U.S. Unemployment Rate of 4.1 percent which intentionally under-counts those unemployed more than six months.

“We can’t have 200 million Americans running around without work,” said Tom Donahue, head of the U.S. Chamber of Commerce. “And we sure as hell ain’t giving away no goddamn, guaranteed minimum income or living wage.”

The drastic reduction in U.S. population is expected to halve the $4 trillion federal government budget.

If it doesn’t happen, government spending could top $6 trillion a year by 2027 as the Baby Boomers retire.

Retired Lt. Col. Geezus Figueroa (U.S. Air Force), of Honolulu, said he still supports the Republican Party and Trump, despite the proposed legislation.

"Sure, they want to kill me and everyone I know," said Figueroa,  a Trump loyalist who was raised in the Bronx. "But the Dems signed off on this legislation too. Without them this wouldn't be happening."

The success of the Amazon e-commerce business model is driving much of the job loss which has made the Population Rebalancing Act so much more palatable to Congress in recent months.

The U.S. retail sector is expected to eliminate 40 million retail jobs over five years at chains like Sears and K-Mart as it shift toward online sales from traditional brick-n-mortar stories. Self-driving technology is expected to eliminate another 4.4 million chauffeurs, bus drivers, cabbies and truck drivers.

Leon Black, founder of Apollo Global Management, is one of the few billionaires to oppose the Population Rebalancing Act. The New York-based private equity firm has assets of $232 and is already directing them toward huge investments in cemetery real estate.

Black expects cemetery real estate values to surge after the Rebalancing. He expects graveyard conversions to be an easier "row to hoe" politically once there are fewer survivors to complain about headstones being plowed under.

“Rebalancing is going to be a double-edged sword, but there are going to be some attractive alternative investments for those with a contrarian investment mindset," said Black, who has a personal fortune of $6 billion. "I sure am gonna miss the poor and middle class though. Bring rich is not nearly as much fun when you can't rub someone's else face in it."


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