Most golfers tire of playing the same old courses over and over, but not President Donald Trump. Especially, when he can use the trips to pilfer the federal treasury like supersized comedian John Pinette at an all-you-can-eat buffet.
A new data website shows that Trump invariably plays the same courses, which invariably deliver huge bills to the federal government, and are invariably the golf courses he owns. However, instead of visiting his own courses for free or at cost, Trump is charging taxpayers - that's you and me - top dollar for everything from toilet paper to club sandwiches. Secret Service golf cart rental charges alone are already an insane $60,000.
The 55 golf travel bills from Trump's first six months in office amount to a staggering $61.8 million, according to a website called "Trump Golf Count" run by data geek Sophie Germain. The total reflects the cost of travelling to his 17 courses as well as staying at them and playing on them.
The projected cost to the federal government for eight years of Trump golfing and golf club visits - he doesn't even play most of the time - is about $960 million at this pace. That's more than 10 times the $87 million spent by his predecessor.
The amount is enough to cover roughly 2,500 acres in $1 bills or to create a line of $1 bills stretching 96,000 miles and weighing 10 tons. If you tried to carry $960 million worth of $1 dollar bills from your basement to your living room in a single day you'd probably have a heart attack.
You'd also never get it all to fit. Dollars would be pouring out of your windows and doors and piling up on the front lawn. Provided you're lucky enough to still have a front lawn at a time when America is being transformed from a nation of homeowners into a nation of renters.
To be fair, the chances of Trump being elected to a second term are pretty remote right now. As are the chances this boorish silver spoon will complete his current four-year term.
Trump is clearly unfit for high office and may be the the worst president since fellow "genteel racist" Woodrow Wilson, who fouled The Oval Office from 1913 to 1921. Which makes it even more amazing that Democratic presidential challenger Hillary Clinton actually lost to this buffoon with an unlimited political war chest.
I'm just spit-balling here, but could it be that voters don't like Hillary?
Could it be that they think she and husband Bill are washing political bribes clean via excessive speaking fees, just as Trump is now padding his travel expenses?
Could it be that America is desperately trying to vote against the "profits over people" behavior of the predatory Wall Street investors who are strangling our fading democracy?
Or could it be Option No. 5.991 Gazillion: the same voters who elected and then re-elected America's first black president have all joined the Klu Klux Klan?
Gee, I wonder.
Trump officially assumed office Jan. 20. He took his first golf trip at public expense just two weeks into the job when he visited Trump International Golf Club, in West Palm Beach, Fla. Since then, the Fordham University dropout has visited his courses an amazing 55 times in just 213 days. That works out to one golf trip every four days.
And he's still a gigantic fat ass.
Amazingly, Trump has traveled west of the Mississippi just once since taking our nation's highest office. No offense, but Homeboy just doesn't do Flyover Country. The Bigot-in-Chief is scheduled to make his second trip west tomorrow with an unwelcome visit to Phoenix, which is very much against the wishes of the mayor of that diverse city.
By contrast, The San Jose Mercury News says Barack Obama visited Montana, Arizona, New Mexico and California in his first 200 days and George W. Bush visited 33 states.
The Reality TV Star - and let's face it, that's what he still is - visits a Trump property on the public dime (our money) about once every three days if you count non-golf locations like Trump Tower. Sometimes waking up at one and traveling to another.
In the 71-year-old man-child's defense, many businessmen conduct business over meals and on golf courses. But now that the real estate tycoon has a strangle-hold on the public billfold, he seems to have lost all impulse control.
Trump has spent 13 of 28 weekends away from the executive residence set aside for his use by a gullible public (you, not me). We're talking about a White House that covers 18 acres, features 132 rooms, and costs about $20 million a year to maintain and staff - not counting military and political personnel.
It's not a hovel.
However, living there doesn't generate any revenue for the struggling Trump empire.
So, like a retiree eating out on a fixed income, Trump is on a mission to grab everything he can fit in his wife's pocketbook. From packets of Sweet'N Low to individually packaged toothpicks.
"Damn the waitress and her rolling eyes," Trump seems to be saying to Melania. "Those half-sour pickles and dinner rolls will stay good a couple more days. Take the salt and pepper shakers too. Fold the table up and stick it in your purse - quick."
Some of Trump's golf trips are quite long. The pocket fuhrer finished a two week "working vacation" yesterday at Trump National Golf Club in Bedminster, N.J. It was a "working" vacation in the sense that the people around The Buttercup Prince were working pretty hard. Trump, not so much.
Why all the travel?
It could be that this silver spoon mofo is shy and just doesn't feel comfortable pooping in any of the 35 White House bathrooms. After all, none of them are gold like the ones on his jet and home.
Although to be fair, Trump's golden receptacles are not real gold. They're gold plated, just like the Poser-in-Chief, and his hollow empire.
Businesses associated with the Trump brand have declared bankruptcies six times.
You have to use that wording or the-man-who-would-be-king will sue you like he sued fellow silver spoon Tim O'Brien, author of the 2005 book "TrumpNation: The Art of Being The Donald." The author estimated this serial liar was actually worth $150 million to $250 million. Not the $5 billion to $6 billion he claimed.
O'Brien won the lawsuit in a rout.
Trump is the same president who still hasn't released his tax returns, which will no doubt show he's used the loopholes available to the ultra wealthy to avoid paying his share.
One day very soon, all this crap is going to come out. Just as it did in the O'Brien lawsuit, and we are going to marvel as a nation at the con artist we have elected as the best American in the land. Our Citizen One.
If you're one of the 63 million credulous Americans who voted for Trump - aka "pigeon," aka "dupe," aka "mark" - you might want to start crafting a plausible back story now. Because he's not going to be around much longer. Homeboy is going to prison.
I suggest you tell people "I wanted to vote for Bernie Sanders, but cast a protest vote for Trump instead to punish crooked Democrats for their rigged primary."
That sounds better than "I voted for a guy who inherited a fortune to protest the excesses of the country club set."
The only plausible excuse for Trump's golf trips is that this cheapskate is padding his expense accounts, which is a termination offense for most employers. As it should be for the embarrassed electorate employing this man-child (you and me again).
Look folks, we need to give this charlatan his walking papers already. We need to tell him "you're fired, dewsh."
Then we need to take the idiot HR staffers who recommended him to the woodshed and beat them very, very hard - meaning the Republican Party leadership. Afterward, we need to make like Dr. Evil in Austin Powers, pitch a fit and ask them: "Can you remind me what I'm paying you people for again? Honestly. Somebody throw me a bone here."
As music legend Rick James once explained: "Cocaine is a helluva drug." House Speaker Paul Ryan and Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell are clearly doing too much.
There's a lesson for us all of us in this experience, which is that we need to have slightly higher expectations of our two corrupt political machines. That means changing the current job description for presidential candidates from "any rich crook who is willing to grab the free world by the pussy" to "any principled, mature person, capable of pooping in unfamiliar bathrooms."
Lord knows it would be a step up from what we have now.
Which is the biggest failure in U.S. history, and by a lot. No one's as big a failure as a leader of men than Little Donnie Trump. He's No. 1 and No. 2.
He just can't go No. 1 or No. 2 in an unfamiliar bathroom.