In a stunning pique of affluenza, President Donald Trump rewrote America’s racial caste system Wednesday with an executive order making his wealthiest African American supporters legally white.
America's new Racial Transplant Law also applies to what he termed “wealthy mud people.” Regardless of race, gender, IQ or national origin.
To qualify for a racial transplant, applicants must be U.S. citizens, Trump supporters, possess a fortune exceeding $10 million, and demonstrate a documented contempt for America’s poor and middle class. The new regulation could impact as many as 6,000 affluent African Americans, according to a Congressional Budget Office analysis.
“This is huge, believe me,” Trump said via tweet, “I’ve never been a racist, although such baseless allegations have long been leveled my way.
“I just don’t like the poor and middle class,” he added. “Especially when they get saucy and start talking about that one person one vote crap. What a crock.
“God would not have created political lobbyists if he had not wanted the rich to make a complete mockery of American democracy ,” Trump said. “I want to live in an America where every rich person is encouraged to flaunt their wealth and innate superiority, and treat the masses like the bottom of their shoe. Regardless of race.”
The decree is expected to initially impact a short list of 40 Trump loyalists, who were granted instant legal whiteness by the presidential order. They include U.S. Housing Secretary Ben Carson and U.S. Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas.
“Praise Jesus,” Carson declared upon learning he was now white. “I’ve never considered myself ‘black’ per se. Instead, I’ve always thought of myself as a rich white frat boy with a big brain and a great tan. Now I am.”
Thomas was also elated, albeit confused.
“I’m not white?” He asked wife Virginia Thomas, a political lobbyist who has made a career out of trading on his status on the nation's highest court.
“You always were to me honey,” she assured him.
The shortlist includes several non-blacks who Trump referred to as his "Kountry Klub Kommandos." Among them actor Sylvester Stallone, U.S. Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin, and talk show host Jimmy Fallon. Stallone was previously Italian-American, Fallon was Irish-American, and Mnuchin was American-while-Jewish.
The "formerly hyphenated trio" are now just filthy rich, according to Trump.
"Rich people are what equality is all about," Trump said. "Working people and their families aren't our equals. Obviously."
Fallon credited Trump with teaching him the importance of learning to function properly as a First Class Citizen.
"The poor and middle class are meant to be our food, whether we like it or not," said the talk show host. "They're a tool. A means to an end. Not our equals."
Mnuchin called his transformation into a proper white person a “relief,” noting that being Jewish has always been inconvenient for him.
“I’ve never been good with the Jewish holidays,” he said. “Take Hanukkah. Nobody knows how to spell the damn thing and it falls on a different day every year. And when you get five middle class Jews in the same room, you’re looking at 11 different opinions on everything. Who needs it?”
Also shortlisted were a number of foreign nationals accused of political corruption. Among them Chinese Communist Party Leader Xi Jinping, disgraced South Africa President Zuma, former Saudi Ambassador to the U.S. Prince Bandar bin Sultan, embattled Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, and Russian President Vladimir Putin.
The foreign leaders still in power are expected to retain their respective ethnicities until after they’re forced out.
“I take care of my people,” Trump said. “Who knows, I may need them to take care of me someday, too.”
Former presidential adviser Omarosa Manigault, who was escorted from The White House after calling Trump a "cracker," was notably absent from the shortlist. The Reality TV Star - a front-runner for the role of Cruella De Vil in Disney’s remake of 101 Dalmations - lacks the wealth to apply for a racial transplant.
"All that ass kissing and for what?" a tearful Manigault tweeted. "To be black again?"
The National Association for the Advancement of Colored People applauded the presidential order for recognizing that rich black people are better than other black people. A financial distinction they have long sought to raise national awareness about.
"Now, for the first time, those of us who are legally white will also be better than less affluent whites," said Trump loyalist and boxing promoter Don King.
Patrisse Khan-Cullors, cofounder of the Black Lives Matter movement, was considerably less supportive. She expressed skepticism that "driving while legally white" would insulate wealthy Trump supporters from the racial profiling police routinely direct at people of color.
“It’s getting pretty confusing, what with all the poor white people trying to be black and the rich black people trying to be white,” said Khan-Cullors. “The world has taken a turn for the surreal.”
Democratic presidential hopeful Cory Booker applauded the transplant law as a rare example of good government which crosses the mythical divide between Wall Street Republicans and Wall Street Democrats. The U.S. Senator from New Jersey has been a vocal advocate of both political corruption and "profits over people" and is supported by Silicon Valley, Hedge Funds and Big Pharma.
The Stanford University graduate is the son of two of IBM's first black executives. He was raised beside wealthy whites in upscale Harrington Park, N.J. , and proudly describes himself as a "Wall Street Goon."
Booker began his political career as a fake populist, just like his friend Donald Trump. By presenting himself as an anti-corruption candidate in poverty stricken Newark, N.J., he was able to favor the law firm which continued to employ him during his tenure as mayor.
The new racial transplant law makes it possible for wealthy blacks to forgo such conflicts of interest in the future, according to Booker.
"I believe it was Aristotle who said 'a man without vices is a man without virtues, ' " Booker said. "That's why it's so important for us to embrace our vices as wealthy elected leaders and rake in the legalized bribe money with both hands.
"I just think there's something inherently dishonest about any wealthy politician pretending to be a champion of the people. If God hadn't wanted us to keep score then why did he call it 'the human race?' "
Booker has a net worth of $2 million.