Killing Santa: Navy Seals Splatter Fat Man in Red

Trump Ordered Arctic Strike to Avenge Years of Coal

in Satire & Humor

President Donald Trump announced late Sunday that Kris Kringle, the terrorist leader who put coal in his Christmas stockings, was killed in a pre-dawn firefight in the Arctic.

Trump said he ordered the controversial North Pole raid, which already is being widely denounced by other world leaders. The targeted assault concludes a year-long manhunt for the terrorist known to children worldwide as “Santa Claus," which began at Trump's Jan. 20 inauguration.

American officials are apparently in possession of the body of Mr. Kringle, which is expected to be buried at sea to reduce his future status as a martyr within the so-called Reality Based Community.

“Justice has been done,” Trump said. “The heroic members of Seal Team Six have sent an important message about the depth of America’s resolve to the so-called Reality Based Community by smoking the fat man in red. This international terrorist will never put another lump of coal in another’s child’s stocking.”

Members of Seal Team Six, the heart of America’s vaunted special operations community, penetrated the Arctic compound at approximately 4 a.m. New York time. They engaged in a series of running firefights with members of Kringle’s elvish security team in the pre-dawn hours, before reaching the inner sanctum where Santa was barricaded inside a toy-making workshop.

Seal Team Six is the U.S. Navy component of Joint Special Operations Command (JSOC).

Seven JSOC members were injured in the initial surprise attack. Four of them aboard a Blackhawk helicopter that was involved in a midair collision with a flight of kamikaze reindeer. 

Enemy casualties were considerably higher in the initial attack, according to JSOC. It estimates 126 elves have been killed so far, along with 246 wounded and 401 captured. Five of Santa’s reindeer were also slain and are now being processed at the Nick's Meats locker plant in Hayward, Minn.

Blitzen, Donner and Rudolph were captured unharmed and are headed to Camp Delta, at Naval Station Guantanamo Bay, along with the raid's other detainees. Jessica Claus remains at large.

No U.S. military personnel have been killed in the operation so far, although mopping-up operations remain underway. Officials described the situation on the ground as “fluid,” with enemy reinforcements from the Keebler Elves infiltrating into the area in twos and threes.

The elves are armed almost entirely with cap guns, slingshots, paintball guns and BB guns, according to Sergeant Fist Class Norm "Hoot" Gibson.

"When I go home people ask me, 'hey Hoot, why do you do it - you some kind of warmonger?'" Gibson said. "And I say 'no, I just really like shooting and ammunition is expensive as hell for civilians.' Plus, the smaller silhouette of these elves is a real challenge."

Ernie Keebler denounced the attack in a communique issued this evening. Russian leader Vladimir Putin, German Chancellor Angela Merkel and French President Emmanuel Macron said they received no advance warning about the raid, which they described as “unfortunate.”

“This dastardly attack against a handful of peace-loving elves proves that the United States is no longer the leader of the free world,” Keebler said. “Under Donald Trump’s dictatorial leadership it is fast becoming a Fourth Reich.”

Trump warned the Keebler Elves to stay out of his "bid-ness" in the North Pole combat zone or risk the consequences.

"I don't want to bust a cap in a Keebler Elf, but I will if I have to," he said via presidential tweet.

Petty Officer Second Class Grayson Russell was credited with bagging Kringle. The former child star is best known for the role of "Texas Ranger" in the 2006 film "Talladega Nights: the Ballad of Ricky Bobby." 

Russell, now 19, said he struggled to overcome his own personal reservations about killing the beloved figure from his childhood, prior to executing his orders.

“We had hoped to take him alive, but Mr. Kringle had other plans,” Russell said during a post-action press conference at Eilson Air Force Base, in Alaska. “I was the first operator inside the workshop, where Santa engaged me with a Daisy Model 1938 Red Ryder BB Gun."

Russell was hit twice in the forehead. He lifted a heavy bandage to display his injuries to reporters, revealing two pimple-sized bruises.

"I responded with suppressive fire from my M249 SAW," he said. "Then closed the distance to deliver a scissor kick to the back of Santa's head, before administering a double tap with my Glock 19 sidearm."

Santa was initially captured alive.

"The double tap didn't actually happen until homeboy started running his mouth," Russell said. 

Santa's last words were "but I'm your biggest fan," according to the Navy Seal.

The Special Operations unit recovered a treasure trove of intelligence documents from the sprawling compound, including the rumored lists of who was naughty and nice. The Naughty List contained the names of President Trump, Hillary Clinton, the Koch Brothers, and all 535 members of the U.S. Congress. There was an asterisk next to Trump's name with the word "shithead" scribbled beside it in parentheses.

Trump received a lump of coal once every year for Christmas until he turned 18, according to his autobiography. The six page book, which is called "Silver Spoon Mofo," is written entirely in crayon.

The book was adapted to the silver screen in 2007 and renamed "Superbad." With the dickish character of "Seth" purportedly being based on America's first fascist president.

"No way I was going to allow that to happen again," Trump said.

Sunday's controversial raid on the North Pole builds the growing legend of Seal Team Six, which killed al Quaeda leader Osama bin Laden in a similar encounter in 2011. The shooter in that raid, Robert O’Neill, has since become a celebrity. Russell seems headed for a similar fate at a time when Wall Street cannot get enough of America's killer elite.

“I’m going to Disney World,” the 26-year-old native of Clanton, Ala., remarked at the end of the press conference.

The phrase earned Russell an immediate $100,000 payday from the Walt Disney Company and a free trip to Disney World. That one-time revenue comes on top of the $20,000 annual payments all operators receive from team sponsors Copenhagen, Homesteaders Life, the Suporn SRS Clinic, and Brownells.

"When you think funerals think Homesteaders Life," Russell added, flashing the Iowa-based insurer's corporate gang sign.

Kringle was initially located in November, after 11 months of intelligence work established that he was holed up inside a North Pole training compound.  The terrorist leader also used the aliases of Saint Nicholas, Sinterklass, Wodan, Jolly Saint Nick, and Father Christmas.

Santa's presence was confirmed a week ago by the disappearance of a plate of sugar cookies left a structure that was rumored to be his workshop, according to sources within the intelligence community who requested anonymity.

The seven day delay was needed to secure cold weather gear for the members of the attacking unit, after JSOC’s Amazon Prime account was cancelled following the infamous Victoria's Secret corruption scandal. The scandal occurred in 2016 after an entire squad of operators received simultaneous gender reassignment surgery and began ordering new wardrobes online at taxpayer expense.

Mission planners utilized the additional lead time to move Seal Team Six beneath the polar ice cap aboard the USS Alexandria attack submarine. The location allowed team members to "groom the battlefield" prior to the arrival of a company of heavily armed Army Rangers via helicopter.

“I’m the best at this kind of thing,” Trump gloated after the raid. “Those elves never saw us coming.”

“I hope you’re watching Tommy, because your next.” The president tweeted in an apparent reference to 72-year-old Tommy Johnson of Greenwich, Conn.”

The retired investment banker was the starting first baseman on The New York Military Academy varsity baseball team during Trump’s first three years at the elite prep school for spoiled rich kids.

Johnson has been in hiding since Trump, who succeeded him in the starting lineup as a senior, won the presidency. He’s currently staying at the Iranian consulate to the United Nations, in Manhattan, which has given him diplomatic asylum.

The death of Mr. Kringle is a defining moment in the American-led war on terrorism. What remains to be seen is whether it will galvanize Santa loyalists by turning him into a martyr, or serve as a turning of the page in Trump’s war on the Reality Based Community.

News of Santa’s death electrified the world. Crowds of unruly Faux News viewers gathered outside the White House in walkers and wheelchairs, waving their catheters and feeding tubes in the air in celebration and passing out handfuls of diabetic candy to passerby.

"This is the greatest thing that's ever happened to me," said 91-year-old Ted Manson, of Atlanta, Ga. "Do you think they'll be serving green jello again today?"

The Vietnam War Veteran stacked warehouse shelves at McGuire Air Force Base from 1971 to 1975. He described Santa's killing as a victory for every Rear Echelon Mofo who has ever tried to pass themselves off as a combat veteran.

"This is the greatest thing that's ever happened to me," Manson (left) repeated a minute later, after identifying himself as a Marine veteran of the WW II Battle of Okinawa. "Do you think they'll be serving green jello again today?"

Manson identified himself next as a member of the Stonewall Brigade, which fought for the Confederacy during The Civil War. His wife Pastsy blamed the misrepresentations on low blood sugar.

"He doesn't know what he's saying," Patsy said, rolling her eyes.

Former Faux News Host Bill O'Reilly, who resigned in April after his arrest for sexually assaulting longtime companion Samuel the Sheep, immediately announced plans to publish a new book called "Killing Santa."

Kringle had eluded capture during the first 11 months of the Trump regime, taunting the U.S. president via some 30 messages. He vowed that Trump would never get anything but coal in his stocking so long as he was in charge of Christmas, calling the president "a naughty boy," "bad seed" and "Damien" in an apparent reference to The Damien Omen film series.

Trump described Kringle's death as a personal vindication of sorts for him, as well as a victory for freedom and The American Way.

“Santa’s long reign of terror is finally over,” Trump tweeted. “America’s Christmas nightmare has finally come to a fitting and ignominious end.”


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