No one was more surprised than me when Richard Koshimizu correctly guessed the real cause of the 2011 Tsunami in one of Japan’s largest newspapers.
In a word: “Jews.”
The self-described "renown journalist" and filmmaker was only off by a single letter.
Truth be told, the 2011 tsunami was actually caused by just one slightly overweight Bronx Jew with a potty mouth.
In a word: Me.
Dick totally nailed that one.
The painful truth is that I and I alone was solely responsible for this horrible natural disaster, which caused 15,895 confirmed deaths and 6,156 injuries, and inflicted $360 billion in damage.
See, I was living in Jersey City at the time. And what had happened is that I'd just popped into Crown Fried Chicken on Communipaw Avenue for some takeout. Tragically, they were all out of both breast meat and root beer.
I can normally deal with this kind of disappointment without hulking out. However, my coping skills were a little diminished because my hemorrhoids were firing off like a mofo from the gas station sushi I'd consumed the night before. And I completely lost my working class Jewish temper and unleashed my God-like Jewish superpowers on an unsuspecting world.
Next thing you know, CNN is showing people running for their lives in Fukushima and Iwate prefectures. And my future ex-wife is like “what did you do?”
I'm like "I didn't do a goddamn thing," but the painful truth is that I did.
Deep down, I think we had long suspected that I was solely responsible for all the suffering and death in the world. Also, for between 5.1 and 5.3 percent of all the liberal sarcasm and between 1.3 percent and 1.4 percent of all global consumption of Sopressata.
Sure, evolved human beings make fun of conspiracy theorists like Dick for Jew-baiting and scapegoating, but he and his fellow brainiacs are actually correct every once in a while. Much like a broken clock is right twice a day and the utility of human sacrifice is proven by the Richard Koshimizus of the world.
Just ask Mel Gibson, who memorably blamed "Da Jews" for starting all the wars in the world and causing a global shortage of Chinese takeout.
You know Gibson is right because he's the star of "Braveheart." Also, "The Beaver." How can an actor who excels at playing pretend for a living not be good at everything?
The same logic applies to professional basketball player Kylie Irving, who knows the Earth is flat because he hit the books with such gusto at Montclair Kimberly Academy, St. Patrick High School and Duke University. Irving is proven right again every day when you and I don't float off into space.
As a former NBA No. 1 draft pick, there's nothing he doesn't know about quantum physics, planetary science and the space time continuum.
The same logic applies to Wall Street apologist Donald Trump, who knows climate change is bogus because it would cut corporate profit growth. We can't have that.
Is it any coincidence that so many of the scientists who are warning the world about Global Warming are Jews?
I think not.
We used to call educated idiots like Richard Koshimizu, Kylie Irving, Donald Trump and Mel Gibson "retards," but the imputation was unfair to the developmentally disabled. So now we just call them "Dicks." Or "Mister President."
Case in point, Dick's gripping claim that "Da Jews" were secretly behind 9/11. Skeptics accused him of grasping at straws, but I'm here to tell you he was 100 percent right. Once again, it was my poor control of my sweeping Jew Superpowers which precipitated the terrorist attacks on both the World Trade Center and The Pentagon.
Not Al Quaeda, the Taliban, Osama Bin Laden or the Saudi royal family.
I used to take my girlfriends to the Twin Towers observation decks back in the day when I was growing up in the Bronx. That's how the 9/11 tragedy began.
Anyway, what had happened is that there was this smoking hot features writer at the Omaha World-Herald who reminded me of one of my exes on Sept. 11, 2001. She asked me to take a look at her tailpipe. Ostensibly to diagnose what was wrong with it.
Then she bent over to show me where the offending tailpipe was located, which was nice, but not necessarily necessary for accurate mechanical diagnosis. Strictly speaking.
And ... "Bam."
Just minutes after we returned to the newsroom, CNN was breaking into a rerun of The Beverly Hillbillies with a special report about planes flying into The World Trade Center. And as 2,974 people died in Manhattan, Washington, D.C.; and Shanksville, Penn. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that me and my fellow Heebs were responsible.
Not the childish Muslim Hillbillies who actually hijacked the planes. Or the rich Saudi sonsabitchs who planned and funded these cowardly attacks while America's armed forces were defending their Kingdom from Saddam Hussein.
I and I alone was solely responsible. Just as I and I alone was solely responsible for turning the United States into a Jewish oligarchy in 2008. Dick was fully engorged on that one, too.
I know it seems like Christian billionaires such as Bill Gates, Donnie Trump, Rupert Murdoch, Vladimir Putin, Jeff Bezos, The Walton family, and The Koch Brothers are ruining the world, but it's actually me. The incredibly modest, incredibly well-endowed, soft spoken Jewish guy with the abs of steel, humungous bank account, and long, flowing, Fabio-like hair.
Come to find out, I actually run the world from my basement apartment.
No one is better acquainted with this painful truth than Richard Koshimizu. AKA the "Throbbing Purple Spear of Destiny."
I simply can't compete with the man.
For example, if I decided to adopt a Japanese first name so I could start some shit in The Land of The Rising Sun I would probably play it safe with something like "Riku." I'd be sure to spell it the way that means "Clever Tiger," too. Cause we Jews are nothing if not clever.
I wouldn't go with chinko, chinchin, chinpo, penisu, chinpoko, ochinpo, nikubou or mara. All of which are Japanese for Dick.
However, being a friggin genius of epic proportions, Richard Koshimizu seized the proverbial "Skin Boat to Tuna Town" with both hands for his cool American name after a lengthy period of research and contemplation. Word is that he was torn between Lance, Dirk, Bacon Rod, Tube Steak, Trouser Snake, Meat Puppet, Mayonnaise Cannon and Crotch Rocket, but settled on plain old "Dick" because it was easier to spell.
The Purple-Headed Womb Ferret knows better than anyone that living in relative poverty, working hard for low pay, and delaying costly medical care - as I do - is how the Jew camouflages his wealth.
He knows that the Jewish Oligarchy in America officially began on Sept. 15, 2008. That's the day I purchased a six-pack of hard shell tacos from a Taco Bell drive-thru lane in Queens.
What had happened is that my friend Mike Franco got in the car a couple minutes later and sat right down on the bag.
There was an audible crunch and I was like “thanks a lot Mikey, you just crushed my friggin gorditas."
And ... "Bam."
Next thing I know, 1010 Wins News Radio is running a special report about how Lehman Brothers is $619 billion in debt and just filed for bankruptcy protection. And thousands of Lehman employees I never met before - never done nothing to me - are out of a job.
Franco started eyeballing me suspiciously as soon as they got to the part about global credit markets freezing up. Suddenly, he pointed an accusatory finger in my direction and blurted out “what did you do Super Jew?”
And I was like “I didn’t do nothing.”
But really, I did, and we both knew it.
The painful truth is that I didn't mean to undermine the global economy by failing to properly control my Jew temper once again. I was just really looking forward to some tacos.
Finally, I want to apologize for causing The Holocaust with my inexplicable Jew stubbornness and Jew sarcasm. As Tokyo Daddy Long Stroke pointed out so presciently, not only was Hitler secretly Jewish, but he actually killed like 6 million Jews just to camouflage our quest for world domination.
Catholic Reformer James Carroll once estimated that there would be 200 million Jews in the world today if not for all the Holocausts, pogroms, massacres, and assorted inquisitions and crusades we've been subjected to. Instead of 15 million.
Fortunately, the Purple-Helmeted Spartan of Love from Japan knows better. He knows we inflict this carnage on ourselves in a clever bid to enslave the rest of the world.
At this pace, there's a good chance the remaining 7.5 percent of the world's Jews may be completely eradicated in the next century, thereby completing our grand plan.
Boy are we clever, huh?
Never-mind the fact that I wasn’t even conceived until 20 or 30 years after the Holocaust and have never been to Europe. Or that half my family was killed in it.
The Nipponese Nut Cannon saw right through that subterfuge.
My retroactive role in the carnage began at a German beer hall called "Deibels" in Columbus, Ohio, in November of 1992. Somebody shook the wrong foot during the Chicken Dance and my roommate Dave Jurgens - a Chicken Dance purist from way back - got into it with them.
That's how Dave wound up repeatedly punching me in the back of the head as we sped down I-270 at 65 mph after he got us thrown out. He was in the pickup bed and I was behind the steering wheel in the cab. Hell bent on secretly controlling the world yet again by getting his German-Korean-American ass home in one piece.
What had happened is that Dave was angry because I wouldn't speed up so he could jump onto the hood of the car in the next lane. The sliding glass window between us was open and he was punching me through it. I was ignoring him, because that's how the Jew hides his power when dealing with a competitive kickboxer who thinks Jagermeister is German for wine cooler.
And ... "Bam."
Next thing you know, the radio is going on and on about how it's the 69th anniversary of Hitler's failed Munich Beer Hall Putsch. And how the putsch led to World War II and the Holocaust.
And that's how I caused the Holocaust.
As long as we're sharing here, I'd like to unburden myself of one additional disaster which has been weighing on me for some time. See, the thing is, I and I alone was responsible for breaking up Brangelina in 2016.
What had happened is that I was taking a whiz at a baseball stadium in Baja, Mexico, in May of 2015. When who should walk in but Angelina Jolie and her oldest kid Maddox.
I shit you not.
Swear to God.
I was a little star-struck and just wanted to finish up and get out of their way, but my bladder had other plans. What started out as a harmless little tinkle seemed to stretch on and on as my Super Jew powers of extended urination kicked into overdrive.
After a little while we all started laughing about it and making small talk. Later, the whole clan came over to watch the rest of the game with my friends and I in the bleachers.
And ... "Bam."
Long story short, Angie kinda-sorta asked me for my number. Right there in front of poor old Brad.
I was flabbergasted.
“I’m sorry," I said, "but I'm in a committed relationship right now. In the fullness of time I'm sure you'll learn to forget me.”
But she never did.
Next thing you know, they're all texting me like crazy.
Angie: "My tailpipe is acting up, can you please come over and take a look at it?"
Brad: "Hey Brotein Shake, you up for some scotch and cigars?"
Maddox: "How do you feel about SpongeBob SquarePants ?"
Swear to God. Then I started reading news stories about Angie and Brad having marital problems. Angie threatened to cut off her boobs if I kept rejecting her.
My friend Kyle was like “what did you do to that family with your incredible Jew charisma and charm?”
And I was like, "swear to God, I didn’t do a thing."
But deep down, we knew I was at fault.
These superpowers are a double-edged sword that I and I alone must learn to live with and control. They're a force of nature that I must learn to wield responsibly for the benefit of the entire human race. Just like Superman's daddy Jor-El.
Anyway, that’s the story of how I came to rule the world and how my family learned to hide our incredible wealth by living in Bronx tenements and working shitty jobs for crappy pay until The Pulsating Python of Love exposed our secret plans for global domination to the 3 million readers of The Sankei Shimbun newspaper in 2014.
Who would have thought that after all this time we would be undone by a Bald-Headed Giggle Stick from the other side of the world?
Boy, what a relief to finally get all that guilt off my manboobs.
As you were people. Carry on.
And remember, sarcasm is how the Jew hides his secret contempt for the Cannoli Commando of Itabashi-ku.
Cynical Times Editor Victor Epstein is a proud liberal who cares about the greater good, and a lifelong Yankee-Jew-bastard. He's half satirist from the waist down and half serious journalist from the waist up.