Liberal News Site Lays Off 21 Male Staffers

Headcount Reduction Triggered by Eyeball Fucking

in Satire & Humor

The Cynical Times, a left-leaning news and satire website, laid off virtually its entire male reporting staff Friday in a nod to the new norms of inherent male criminality and identity politics.

The 21 idled staffers had 280 years of combined journalism experience, 27 national journalism awards, and an average salary of $31,000. None of Cynical’s 20 female staffers lost their jobs in the headcount reduction.

The layoffs come as the mainstream news media is shedding some of its most accomplished members for sexual improprieties ranging from unwelcome sexual interest to unwelcome touching. The transformation in what’s considered socially acceptable in America is taking place at a time of unprecedented identity politics.

“It breaks my heart to fire people just three days before Christmas, but the blatant sexuality exhibited in the newsroom this week left me with no choice,” said Cynical Editor-In-Chief Ricky Brackenstein. "I had to act to limit our legal exposure in these Cynical Times."

Six members of the editorial staff spurred the layoffs Thursday by taking improper notice of actors Salma Hayek, Idris Elba and Hugh Jackman as they walked through the newsroom. All of the offenders were men.

“I can’t turn a blind eye to that kind of blatant sexuality,” said Brackenstein. “The only response to eyeball fucking available to me in the present political climate is institutional gender bias, hypocrisy and puritanism.”

Brackenstein acknowledged that several female staffers also took notice of the celebrities. Including one who surreptitiously slipped her number to Elba while mouthing the words “call me.”

However, he insisted their behavior was different.

“She was merely expressing her empowered sexuality by being flirty,” Brackenstein said. “It’s different because women are traditional victims in our society and men are traditional villains. That’s the way it works. I don't make the rules.”

Managing Editor Petey Barnum and six other staffers were terminated for glancing at a woman in a tight blouse, he said. Business Editor Tommy Payne and four others were released for being “rapey looking;” columnist Mike Rotch was found guilty of failing to put the toilet seat down; and investigative reporters Al Coholic and Ike Bickerstaff were released for either holding doors open for female staffers or failing to do so.

Five other offending male staffers – none of whom were identified – were allowed to retain their jobs after agreeing to undergo chemical castration procedures at company expense.

“Right now the women’s rights movement is very hot and they're attacking the traditional gender roles in our society which are detrimental to women,” Brackenstein continued. “However, they don't seem to have any interest in modifying the traditional roles which are beneficial to them. Basically, they're taking the benefits of gender equality without the burdens. It’s the same kind of identity politics that got Donald Trump in The White House.”

Brackenstein was cited by police immediately after the interview for allegedly "mansplaining" the situation to this reporter. Speaking authoritatively to females while male is now a Class C misdemeanor. Just like disorderly conduct and public intoxication

The Cynical terminations took effect immediately Friday. The idled workers were escorted from the news organization’s offices in Flint, Mich., immediately afterward by security with their personal belongings in garbage bags. A crowd of militant feminists met them outside with signs adorned with messages like “All Men are Rapists,” “Every Penis a Knife,” “You are the Patriarchy” and “Men Are Scum.”

The proverbial ax seems to be falling heaviest among older men in positions of authority, who were raised at a time when American society celebrated womanizers and Hollywood showed women happily succumbing to the unwanted attentions of physically imposing male actors like John Wayne, Marlon Brando and Sean Connery. The sea change clears the way for Wall Street to replace veteran workers with younger employers who cost less and are more accepting of the rising police state.

None of the accused have been arrested, although some have been involved in civil proceedings and have paid their accusers to keep silent. From a criminal justice perspective, their trials are being conducted entirely in the public forum. Where men are now presumed guilty.

“The more things change the more they stay the same,” said Petey Barnum (right). “After centuries of being exploited by Toxic Elites with external genitalia, it appears that the working class men of America are now going to be exploited by Toxic Elites with internal genitalia. What joy.”

Barnum joins the short list of ruined journalists. It includes Charlie Rose and Tavis Smiley of PBS, Garrison Keillor and Mike Oreskes of NPR, Glenn Thrush of The New York Times, Ryan Lizza of The New Yorker, Mark Halperin and Matt Lauer of NBC, and New Republic publisher Hamilton Fish. Propagandists Bill O’Reilly and Roger Ailes, actor Kevin Spacey, and filmmakers Harvey Weinstein and Oliver Stone also have been impacted.

Bloomberg LP, the financial media firm owned by authoritarian financier Michael Bloomberg, has been curiously absent from the ranks of the accused. Despite its reputation as a place where ambitious women are treated like plastic fuck dolls by top executives.

Women who have traded on their sexuality to gain an improper competitive edge in the workplace will not be held accountable for those earlier transgressions by the Me Too movement, according to self-appointed Feminist leader Gloria Steinem. Even though they helped create the climate in which more principled females were victimized.

“The women’s rights movement is looking to make up for generations of inequality,” said Steinem, who once posed as a Playboy bunny to gain an exclusive story. “We would like to see these fired men replaced by the principled women whose careers were derailed because they refused to be treated like plastic sex dolls.”

And what of the principled men whose professional development was hindered by the same opportunistic behavior, Steinem was asked?

“Fuck them,” Steinem said. “They don’t count.”

Steinem’s remarks expose the schism now dividing the feminist movement, which traditionally has been devoted to the goal of gender equality. Rather than the supremacy of one sex over the other.

A recent Vassar University/Cosmopolitan Magazine/National Organization for Women survey of likely female voters found that support for equality is fading. About 88 percent of the 5,000 respondents in the annual telephone survey now favor replacing rich men atop America’s social caste system, rather than simply eliminating inequality. The ratio was just 34 percent before President Donald Trump took office Feb. 20.

NOW boasts 500,000 dues paying members and has experienced a 5 percent increase in its female membership since the sex scandal crisis began. However, male membership is down.

NOW led the failed battle for the Equal Rights Amendment, which stalled in 1979 without being ratified.

“Feminists are sending a clear political message to the nation, which is that women can be selfish too,” said Montclair State University Political Science Professor Brigid Harrison. “The $198 question is whether the support the movement gains by playing identity politics will outweigh the loss of the progressive men being alienated and radicalized by these hardball tactics.”






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