As one of the millions of American Jews secretly committing acts of blatant anti-Semitism across this great nation to make President Donald Trump look bad, I just want to emphasize that my dirty deeds don't end there.
This Bronx Jew's impact actually is more sinister and far reaching than our nation's mashuga commander-in-chief could possibly have imagined.
Trump has accused me and my fellow Jews of secretly vandalizing our own cemeteries, community centers and synagogues in the wake of his Jan. 20 inauguration. What he doesn't realize is that we also habitually sow confusion and suspicion among Americans who are not Jewish by pranking them inside their own homes and places of worship.
In the interest of better relations between American Jews and the Nazi wannabees who long for the good old days of Auschwitz and Treblinka - when women couldn't tell them to get lost - I hereby confess all and throw myself on the mercy of the U.S. criminal justice system. Here goes:
I habitually sneak into the homes of non-Jews at night to unscrew their fridge lights.
I bathe in their bathtubs and leave dirty soap scum rings behind, then bring the trash bags back inside at night so it looks like no one took them out.
That fart no one wants to claim?
The half gallon of OJ in the fridge with no juice left in it?
The puddle of urine in the kitchen you've been blaming on the dog?
The unwashed dishes in the sink?
That inexplicable smile on your wife's face in the morning?
I'm the reason there's lint in the lint filter and urine on the floor around the toilet.
The Chris Pratt and Anna Faris split?
Me. I kept leaving messages from the "skinny little Aaskvarian chick at Nova Records" on her answering machine until she finally went insane.
I also routinely sow confusion on white supremacist, white nationalist, Nazi, and Klan websites.
That Whitey Ansum regular on Stormfront who keeps posting "there's a Jew loose in the woods" like some crazed rabbit in Watership Down?
The AryansJustWannaHaveFun handle on KKKKnights who repeatedly posts: "Ya ever notice how we never see Jewish comedian Seth Rogan and white supremacist leader David Duke in the same place at the same time?"
The toilet paper draped over the so-called Breitbart mansion in Washington, D.C., last Halloween?
I was the guy who changed the address of the conservative Heritage Foundation to the Lambda Rising gay bookstore back in 2015.
The flaming bag of dog shit on right-wing propagandist James O'Keefe's front porch in affluent Westwood, NJ, back in 2009?
The 10 anchovy pizzas Jersey Boys Pizzeria delivered to Nazi Wannabee Richard Spencer's place in White Fish, Mont., on Christmas Eve?
You know it baby.
My dirty deeds don't stop there, either.
I'm also the reason all the bathroom stalls were locked from the inside during Ramadan at the Islamic Da’wah Center in downtown Houston.
I'm the guy who replaced the vanilla frosting with toothpaste inside all the Oreo cookies at Westboro Baptist Church last Christmas.
I was responsible for the wholesale replacement of tampons with Snickers bars in the feminine product dispensers at The Mormon Tabernacle on Pioneer Day.
I'm the guy who randomly whispers "blowjob" in the middle of silent meditation sessions at The Zen Center, in Des Moines, Iowa.
It was I who taped cellophane over all the urinals and toilets at the United States Army Combined Arms Center in Fort Leavenworth, Kansas, in 2014.
I've also been pinning five-card draw poker hands under rocks on top of the Jewish headstones at Mount Zion Cemetery in Queens, N.Y., for - it must be seven years now.
You know the shredded prayers the Hasidic faithful leave on Grand Rebbe Menachem Mendel Schneerson's grave?
I began taping them back together last week.
Finally, I just want to apologize for slaving Trump's laptop to play the audio file from the orgasm scene in "When Harry Met Sally" each time it starts up.
I have no idea. But it sure feels good to finally get all this stuff off my chest.
What's the moral of the story?
There's just no fooling Donnie Trump. People say he's just another imbecile silver spoon who inherited his daddy's money, but it's not true. Homeboy is a lot more than that.
Just ask him.