Former Navy Seal Donald Trump still recalls the morning in 1968 when he stood on the bank of the Vltava River, watching Soviet tanks enter the Czechoslovakian capital of Prague to battle his company of lightly armed freedom fighters.
“That was the end of the Czech revolution for me,” Trump, now 71, recalled Tuesday. “There was no way we could stand up against Soviet tanks. I was one of the lucky ones who escaped afterward.”
The 21-year-old captain was part of an undercover intelligence team aiding Czechoslovakia against its masters in the former Soviet Union, according to newly declassified documents from the U.S. Department of Defense and Central Intelligence Agency. In layman's terms, he was a spy.
Code name: "Buttercup Yellow."
"B-Cup" for short to his fellow Special Forces operators.
Officially, Trump was a spoiled playboy who inherited a real estate empire from his daddy. Unofficially, B-Cup was a dedicated warrior in The Cold War between the U.S. and the Soviet Union. One whose military duties took him to Poland, China, Hungary, North Korea, Bolivia, Angola and Chile.
"I should have died so many times," B-Cup recalled. "God clearly had other plans for me."
Trump's Prague deployment was the first of his 22-year clandestine career with the U.S. Special Forces and Central Intelligence Agency.
B-Cup went on to become the most decorated covert operative of The Cold War, according to the Pentagon. A "man of parts" who inspired Dos Equis Beer's “most interesting man alive” advertising campaign.
“People think Donald Trump was handed the world on a silver platter, but nothing could be further from the truth,” said Russian-born political strategist Boris Alexandrovich Epshteyn. “He’s every bit the self-made man.”
According to the Pentagon, Trump is the only three-time recipient of the U.S. Medal of Honor - our nation's highest military honor. He's also the only living American whose name is engraved on the CIA’s hallowed Memorial Wall.
Details of Trump’s true military service and heroism under fire could not be disclosed until now, for reasons of national security. The Cynical Times received them Tuesday, just prior to an exclusive interview with B-Cup at the Comet Ping Pong restaurant in Chevy Chase, Md.
President Trump - who asked to be referred to as "B-Cup" in this story - received 15 Purple Hearts for injuries sustained in the service of the United States of America. His wounds range from the loss of all four arms and legs to a land mine during Operation Covfefe in Angola in 1975, to a nearly fatal case of hemorrhoids caused by a bowl of poisoned ceviche in Chile in 1973.
“My ass still burns to this day when it’s cold out,” Trump recalled, staring pensively into the distance as he did so many years ago in Prague. "People don't realize the incredible sacrifices I've made for this country. No one has given more than me. My arms, my legs - even my peepee - all artificial."
B-Cup also earned employee-of-the-month honors at the McDonald’s restaurant in the Bronx, at the corner of Kingsbridge Road and Jerome Avenue. A modest award he calls the closest to his heart.
"That one really happened," Trump said. "I worked the grill there for a couple months, back when I was going to Fordham University. Lord knows I didn't do it because I needed the money. It was because I had the hots for one of the counter girls."
Critics of the president denounced the new revelations about his military history as another example of "stolen valor." That's the name given to the fictitious claims habitually made by fake tough guys about heroic feats they never actually performed and military honors they never earned.
The phenomenon is usually limited to military veterans who never saw combat. Those whose service was confined to support assignments, like stacking warehouse shelves and installing telephone lines, according to military sociologist J.C. Eckhart. The rear echelon guys whose big talk makes real combat veterans cringe.
Trump is exceptional in that regard. In the sense that he's never actually performed any kind of official military service whatsoever, she said.
B-Cup received five draft deferments for medical and educational reasons to avoid the draft during The Vietnam War. However, he spent several years as an unarmed cadet at the New York Military Academy and habitually equates that civilian experience with actual military service.
That's good enough under a new presidential directive Trump signed Monday. It allows the super wealthy to write their own military histories in exchange for a one-time payment of $1 million to the U.S. Treasury Department.
The U.S. Department of Defense refers to the resulting Commutation Histories as "fictional real-world heroics." Purchasers are entitled to the same range of benefits as actual military veterans, from military pensions to free VA medical care.
Critics of the controversial program have compared the new $1 million commutation payments to the $300 commutation payments which allowed wealthy northerners to escape the military draft during The U.S. Civil War.
Pentagon spokesman Sam Ayam said more than 151 individuals have purchased commutations since the program went live Friday, generating $150 million in new government revenue.
The infamous Koch Bothers, Charles and David, were among the first to exercise their military buyout rights Friday. The billionaire oilmen are now former members of the Waffen SS.
Hillary and Bill Clinton also made the commutation payments. They're now former CIA operations officers with 20 years of fictional-real-world experience in nonofficial cover roles.
Disgraced movie mogul Harvey Weinstein got in on the action, too. He's now a former U.S. Army tank commander, who served with distinction during Operation Desert Storm.
White House Chief of Staff John F. Kelly, a former U.S. Marine General, said Weinstein's "fictional real-world heroics" pale beside those of B-Cup’s. The commander-in-chief inspired the central characters in both the Dirty Harry and Death Wish films, he said.
“He was like the Clint Eastwood and Charles Bronson of covert warfare, all rolled up into one,” Kelly said. “It broke my heart that we couldn’t tell the world about our president’s incredible heroism under fire for so long. Sadly, we had to wait for the check to clear.”
B-Cup's favorite weapon?
France's legendary Chauchat light machine gun. Arguably the worst firearm ever produced en masse.
"He used it as a club most of the time," Kelly said. "That's why it's so important we spare no expense equipping our boys in the field today, thereby ensuring maximum profit growth for defense contractors like General Dynamics and Colt Defense."
B-Cup's fictional-real-world heroics weren't just limited to the battlefield. He also fought for freedom in other ways.
Trump was in Pyongyang when former North Korean Dictator Kim Jong Il bowled a perfect 300 in 1994.
“I bowled a 310,” he recalled. "Did it in just nine frames, too."
Trump was part of a foursome playing the 18-hole Pyongyang Golf Club when the North Korean strongman sank 11 holes-in-one to record a new course record of 34.
“I ran the entire course in a perfect 18," Trump said. “We were right behind them. Had to play through.”
Ex-wife Ivana Trump fondly recalls the heady times she shared with the president back in 1968, when the Czechoslovakian people dared to dream of a life without Communism. One fueled by the shared dream of a lifetime of sexual servitude to the super rich.
The 68-year-old grandmother of six was 19 when she and B-Cup met at the historic Hotel Hastal. It was love at first site, she said.
Trump was posing as a double-agent at the time. He was selling secrets to the Russians and they were looking for an English-speaking girl to spend some time with him.
They understood eachother perfectly, right from the start.
“He was very sexy and he told me to call him ‘The Donald,’ ” Ivana Trump recalled. “There were no other words between us. Just his hand on the back of my head. Ten seconds later I knew we would be husband and wife.”
First Lady Melania Trump recalled a similar experience in 1998, when she met B-Cup for the first time at Manhattan’s Kit Kat Klub.
“He was very mysterious, and so powerful and well endowed,” she recalled. “His hands were absolutely enormous."
Author Victor Epstein is a journalism lifer, veteran pot-stirrer, Yankee Jew Bastard, commie pinko, bleeding heart, liberal sonofabitch. He loves to write satirical articles which expose the posers among us. Meaning the gullible Wingnuts who elected Trump and only read headlines, but pretend they read entire stories, and the equally gullible Hillbots who think political corruption is OK when it's committed by a Democrat.