Cynical Times Launches Vegas Shooting Fundraiser

Commemorative Flamethrower can be Yours for Just $125

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Published:
in Satire & Humor
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The Cynical Times is holding a huge flamethrower sale to raise money for the The Right Wing Noise Machine in the wake of the Las Vegas strip shooting, which killed 60 Americans and wounded 527 on Sunday.

We’re using commemorative flamethrowers to drive home The National Rifle Association’s mantra that “guns don’t kill people, people kill people" in the aftermath of the worst mass shooting in U.S. history. A massacre which would not have been possible without the group-based bias, hate-mongering and opportunistic treason of heroic fake news organizations like Fox News, Breitbart and InfoWars and the courageous reporting of fake journalists like Tucker Carlson, Michele Malkin, Anne Coulter, Steven Bannon and Alex Jones.

The state-of-the-art Cyniflame is endorsed by Melania Trump, one of the greatest Americans in the history of Czechoslovakians of German descent. The pocket torch carries The Better Homes and Gardens Seal of Approval.

These rare, state-of-the-art flamethrowers normally retail for $2,500 each, but for a limited time we're letting them go for as little as $125. Card carrying members of the 900 hate groups recognized by the Southern Poverty Law Center qualify for an additional 10 percent off while supplies last.

If you’re a poser who spends ridiculous amounts of money preparing for a race war or a zombie apocalypse that’s never going to happen, we’re here for you at The Cynical Times.

If you’re a little dick mofo who feels more like a man when you’re dragging an oily rag through a heavily powered firearm, we’re here you.

If you prefer the comforting lies of the Right Wing Noise Machine to painful truths that make your pointy head ache, we're here for you.

If you think political corruption is OK so long as it's being perpetrated by your political candidate, we're here for you.

If you’re a military veteran who served in the rear with the gear, but now enjoys playing the fake tough guy, we’re here for you.

If you a little rich kid who didn’t get beat up nearly enough in junior high school, we’re here for you.

Survival in the New World Order is all about planning for the worst and hoping for the best. Especially with the sheltered, rich imbeciles who pass for leaders now in Washington, D.C.

What better way to accomplish that goal, be part of history, and ensure your continued survival than with your own Cyniflame?

For just $125 you can reserve your pocket flamethrower now. Supplies are limited. Operators are standing by to handle your order at 1(800)-DIK-LESS.

If you act now, you can receive a second pocket flamethrower for half price. Just pay separate shipping and handling.

Cyniflames are available in bubblegum pink (red) , kelly green (green), sky blue (blue) and slatey granite (gray).

One dollar from each order will be donated in your name to the non-profit organization Nazi Wannabees for Peace. NWP is devoted to peaceful coexistence between members of the Caucasian race, with the exception of Caucasian people from the Caucasian region of Western Asia.


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