American Exceptionalism: Thy name is social dysfunction

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The American people are habitually manipulated into meaningless intellectual conflicts by the highly paid political consultants and lobbyists of The Predatory 1 Percent.

Case in point, the current nonsensical debates about gun control, abortion, illegal immigration, trans bathrooms and prayer in school.

These five hot button “issues” are all fabricated conflicts. Meant to create the fiction our elected officials are doing their job and advancing the greater good, while distracting us from the painful truth that they run a corporate protection racket built on institutionalized bribery and corruption.

There are easy solutions to all of these seemingly impossible issues. Sadly, our Corrupt Corporate Congress is not about solving problems. They create problems. In fact you might even say these rich parasites are the problem.

They are the reason our Not So Great Nation is rapidly devolving into one of the most dysfunctional societies on Earth. One that makes the corruption, hypocrisy and repression of the former Soviet Union and the open class warfare and inbred tyranny of the British Monarchy look almost quaint and desirable by comparison.

So we’ve got that going for us.

Here’s a brief rundown of each issue, the simple solutions to them, and who benefits from the current madness about them.

1) Gun Control

All we need to do is limit civilian firearms ownership to wheelguns, pump shotties and bolt action rifles. Doing so won’t stop the crazies from killing our kids, but it will lower the body counts by preventing their murderous outbursts from escalating into mass shootings.

There’s nothing legal anyone needs to do in this nation which can’t be done with one of these three types of firearms. Whether it’s hunting, getting drunk at the range, shooting yourself in the head while cleaning your weapon, or defending the human race from alien invasion.

This solution is not a game changer in any way. Because our current laws already limit ownership of military weapons such as artillery, missiles, flamethrowers, bazookas and fully automatic firearms.

Why hasn’t this solution been adopted already?

It would hamper firearms industry profit growth.

Who wins from this current insane system?

The firearms industry and the political hookers they employ.

What do the various special interests think?

Who friggin cares?

Eff them. They lie for a living. If they all died tomorrow the world would be a better place.

But seriously, the left wants a complete ban. The right wants household nukes. Neither goal is politically realistic.

This solution is.

2) Trans Bathrooms

We already have these bathrooms. They’re called Family Bathrooms.

Even if we didn’t, the personal preferences of the persons pooping beside you would be just as irrelevant.

“Hey man, you like Brad Pitt more than Salma Hayek? What are you crazy? You can’t poop next to me.”

Bottom line, a bathroom is neither a tavern nor a barber shop. Close the door to your stall, do your business, shut the fugg up, and go on your way. And don’t forget the courtesy flush.

Why hasn’t this solution been adopted already?

It has. There are entire cultures with unisex bathrooms in the rest of the world. In Japan, they don’t even have separate stalls. Just a hole in the floor for your feces and urine.

Why?

Because the Japanese have this insane idea that taking a poop is not a sexual act and your personal plumbing, sexual preference, name for the invisible dude in the sky, and political affiliations are completely irrelevant.

So why do Americans care so much about who is pooping beside us?

Apparently, it’s because of all the closeted gays in the Republican Party, like Ted Cruz and Mitch McConnell. The highlight of their day is taking a poop beside a Trans man or woman and they can’t bear the thought of losing that precious experience.

What’s the solution?

Gay Republicans need to grow some nuts and come out already. Either that or start creating designated “Republican Bathrooms” for closeted gays and little dick mofos.

Why hasn’t this solution been adopted already?

Closeted Gay Republicans with really tiny peepees.

Who wins from this current system?

Closeted Gay Republicans with really tiny peepees.

What do the various special interests think?

The toilet makers oppose little dick mofo bathrooms because it would mean smaller toilets, which could impair their industry’s profit growth.

The toilet users don’t have a special interest group, yet, but it’s coming.

Trust me. There’s a political consultant reading this column right now and thinking “job opportunity.” They’re already brainstorming group names, and pondering their preferred job title.

“Americans for Rectal Prosperity’ has a nice ring to it,” they’re thinking. “The bigger question is whether I should go with CEO or executive director as my title on the business card.”

3) Illegal Immigration

This is yet another idiot debate based on total fiction and cynical appeals to human tribalism. The big lie is that poor Mexicans wander north on holiday into one of the most expensive countries in the world looking for work.

No.

Most of the time they come here in response to promises of employment.

The real villains are the U.S. employers who advertise for workers in Mexico, where people routinely make as little as $8 a day. As in day, not hour.

They do this because it helps our multinational corporations keep wages low and profits high. At the expense of the poor and faltering middle class.

What’s the solution?

All we have to do is change the law which lets employers get away with hiring undocumented workers. The existing legislation is premised on the idea that employers are not document experts and should not be held accountable when someone they recruited in Tijuana presents a Green Card written in yellow crayon.

Instead, we could fine these managers $1,000 per day per illegal worker and lock them up for 30 day per offense.

Problem solved. Like yesterday.

Why hasn’t this solution been adopted already?

Because of the treasonous scumbags at The U.S. Chamber of Commerce, which has been waging war on American workers for centuries. Debt slavery is their preferred employment model.

Yes, really.

Who wins from the current system?

Treasonous corporate scumbags.

What do the various special interests think?

The U.S. Chamber of Commerce thinks workers are dumb. They laugh at us. They like things just fine the way they are. The only way it could possibly get better for them is if they could steal our OT, pensions, 401k retirement accounts and Social Security, which is what they’re working on now.

Organized labor is too senile to act coherently. The older workers who lead our remaining unions are unprincipled mofos who have never heard of the greater good. They habitually sell out young workers to management to line their pockets.

4) Abortion

Nothing gets the faithful charged up like a nice little debate over who fuggs who, when, where and how. Which is what the abortion debate is really are about.

First of all, what we’re talking about is not abortion per se, but equal sexual and reproductive rights for men and women of modest means.

Rich people don’t like when the rest of us have sex without their blessing. Unwanted pregnancies are the closest thing to a tax they can impose on us. It allows them to treat poor men and women as criminals when we try to avoid having children we cannot afford.

Meanwhile, the rich have no problem accessing both birth control and abortions – regardless of the law of the land. Not to mention nannies, childcare, healthcare, food, babysitters and private schools for their butt ugly spawn.

Used to be the term “Deadbeat Dad” applied to rich guys like Trump who made babies and then skedaddled. Now, it’s used solely for poor guys who can’t afford a lawyer in our horrendous family court system.

Family Court is the only legal venue in which an American can be incarcerated by a rich judge without a court appointed attorney. Typically for nonpayment of child support.

This usually happens when some poor or middle class guy gets laid off by a multinational corporation trying to create the false image of profit growth by curbing labor costs. Instead of making $60,000 a year their income drops to zero.

Suddenly, they can’t pay the rent or their student loans. Much less their $2,000 a month in child support.

Without a $300 an hour attorney they can’t modify the terms of their child support to reflect their reduced income. They wind up with $10,000 in debt after a few months, multiplying at an incredible 16 percent a year. In a few years they have debts like $700,000 in our fakakta systems and the court has taken away their driver’s licenses and professional certifications – aka their ability to make a living.

The solution is to accept the idea that women are legally equal, rather than helpless victims, and make them solely responsible for everything related to the decision to bring a child into the world. Which really is “their body, their decision.”

We also need to extend the concept of public defenders to civil court, whenever any American is at risk of incarceration.

Why hasn’t this solution been adopted already?

Because we’re a plantation nation where the Predatory 1 Percent controls all the levers of power. The only changes that get made are those which enrich them.

Who wins from this current system?

A-hole rich people and poser feminists, who only embrace equality when it’s advantageous.

What do the various special interests think?

They like anything that emasculates poor and middle class men.

5) Prayer in School

Yet another trumped up issue created by religious nuts to generate attention and donations from the feeble minded.

The knowing lie is that prayer in school is illegal. It’s not.

Kids have been silently requesting divine intervention to get laid and pass their tests for as long as our worthless federal elected officials have been raping Congressional pages. Maybe even longer.

What this debate is really about is the desire of religious nuts to inject their specific belief systems into our public schools. Loudly and publicly.

It’s not about religion. It’s about about proselytization, tribalism and social programming.

What’s the solution?

Silent prayer.

As in: “Please God, help me get play. Just let me lay that Lisa Mendelson vixen one time and I swear I won’t ask you for help again for at least 15 minutes.”

Why hasn’t this solution been adopted already?

Religious people like to be noticed.

Who wins from this current system?

Televangelists, false prophets, reflexive rule followers, and people with really small IQs.

What do the various special interests think?

Religious people think it’s cool when they impose their will on others and get their names in the news. Nothing impresses the faithful so much as a little religious crusading.

The rest of us have better things to do.

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