America’s increasingly addled Commander-in-Chief named former child star Sara Gilbert to head The Central Intelligence Agency on Sunday morning in a bizarre appointment immediately challenged by his own aides.
U.S. President Donald Trump cited Gilbert’s high Q-Rating as a key factor in the appointment, which was announced via poorly spelled Tweet. Q-Scores, or ratings, are an advertising industry measurement of name recognition and brand reputation.
“It is my honor to name Sara Gilbert the first female director in the histree of The Central Intelligence Agency,” Trump said. “This latest addition to my cast brings the highest Q-Rating to this office in the histree of the world.”
Chief of Staff John Kelly immediately tweeted a correction, claiming the president had confused Gilbert with CIA Deputy Director Gina Haspel. The two women bear a striking physical resemblance to one another.
However, Trump stuck to his guns. Insisting that Gilbert was his intended choice all along.
“I’m the President of the United States and my word is law, just like Queen Elizabeth of England or King Salman of Saudi Arabia,” Trump said in response to questions from reporters during a photo-op with the U.S. Men’s Curling Team.
The four man squad brushed its way to Olympic Gold in Korea last month in a thrilling upset over Sweden. Trump, who has a penchant for embellishment, described the victory as the greatest win in the “histree” of competitive sports.
“If John Kelly doesn’t like the way I run things he’s welcome to run for The Oval Office in 2020,” Trump added. “But between now and then, Sara Gilbert is my choice to lead our nation’s intelligence community. Not Gina Haspel. Goddammit.”
Trump, who has problems with accuracy, was also mistaken about Queen Elizabeth. The British Royal Family is a constitutional monarchy, whose power is almost entirely symbolic. His own position as president is far from dictatorial.
Gilbert, 43, will be the first female and the first lesbian to lead the CIA in its 70 year history. The mother of three will be the second Jew and the first Liberal. Also the shortest and youngest.
The Yale graduate first came to public attention at age 13 in the role of Darlene Connor, the sarcastic middle child on the hit TV show “Roseanne.” She hit TV pay-dirt again with a recurring role as the sarcastic scientist Leslie Winkle on “The Big Bang Theory.”
Gilbert served as a sarcastic guest editor for The Cynical Times in August. She penned the “Melania Melania” poem in that role as part of a satirical article about a Trump poetry book.
The poem caught the president’s fancy, bringing Gilbert to his attention once again. The two first met in 1989, when the real estate tycoon asked the 14-year-old actress to accompany him to the annual Halloween Bash at The Playboy Mansion.
Gilbert declined that earlier invitation, but said she plans to accept his invitation to lead the CIA.
“I’m honored by President Trump’s incredible enthusiasm for the characters I play,” Gilbert said in a prepared statement issued Sunday evening. “I’m not sure I’m qualified for this position, but what the hell. If a professional idiot can play president, I don’t see why a professional smart aleck can’t play CIA Director.”
The botched appointment represents a worst-case scenario for Conservatives, according to Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.). It puts a known liberal in a position to impose The Golden Rule on one of the most prolific torturers in U.S. history.
“Rex Tillerson was right,” McConnell said in an apparent reference to the former U.S. Secretary of State’s memorable description of Trump as a “fucking moron.”
The influential Koch Brothers, who have bankrolled a nationwide resurgence in white supremacy, also opposed the appointment.
“Nein, mein fuhrer,” Charles and David Koch said on Reddit. “Nein, bitte, Gott, nein.”
Trump fired Tillerson Tuesday and named Pompeo as his replacement, leaving the leadership void at the CIA which was expected to be filled by its top sadist. He nominated Haspel to the position on Feb. 2. She was awaiting Senate confirmation before his change of heart.
The suspected war criminal has used “The Nuremberg Defense,” employed by Nazi war criminals after World War II, to defend her actions. In effect, Haspel said she was only following orders when she tortured prisoners at the secret CIA prison she ran in Thailand after 9/11.
Haspel has received a number of awards for her willingness to play the inquisitor to advance her career, including the George H. W. Bush Award for excellence in counterterrorism and the Intelligence Medal of Merit. The University of the Rockies graduate was considered the favorite for “Bondage Newcomer of the Year” in 2005 by the Adult Video News, before erasing the tapes of her torture sessions. Once again, she was just following orders.
“I’m disappointed,” Haspel told The Daily Beast. “I thought this was a done deal. The president even called me this morning to talk about the job and joked with me about wanting a dominatrix session. At least I thought he was joking.”
Haspel said she declined the invitation, even though she “still has the legs for it.”
The CIA is the only government agency authorized by law to carry out and oversee covert action at the direction of the executive branch.
The botched CIA appointment comes just three days after Trump named basketball great Shaquille O’Neal and the cartoon character of “The General” as the 27th and 28th National Security Advisers in United States history. The former Reality TV Star also named television economist Lawrence Kudlow, a recovering cocaine addict, to replace Gary Cohn as director of the National Economic Council.
Cohn reportedly stepped down after concluding Trump was “an empty barrel.”
An unidentified member of the Trump Cabinet said the president is becoming increasingly disconnected from reality. The source cited the botched Haspel appointment as an indication the 71-year-old is wilting in the public spotlight and beginning to show the signs of early onset of Alzheimer’s Disease.
Trump has begun referring to his cabinet, which is comprised of the Vice President and the heads of the 15 executive departments, as his “cast,” according to the source.
“Let’s face it, this trust-fund baby was never wound too tightly to begin with,” the source said. “We’ve got a 10 minute window just before lunch now when he has both the clarity and desire to execute the duties of his office. The rest of the day is a shit show. And I do mean a shit show.”
Gilbert officially assumes her new duties April 1.