The union is a clear win for the 36-year-old actress, who pulled out all the stops to forge a courageous comeback in the 2018 Sausage Wallet Shootout, just as her looks were beginning to fade. However, it’s a devastating blow for British females, who came up empty for the third time in the last four official royal couplings.
"What's wrong with our milk shakes, mate?" a frustrated East Londoner tweeted after Markle sealed the win with a series of leg-shaking fake orgasms over the Christmas holidays.
Harry, 33, has been one of the biggest targets for Gold Diggers around the world for the past 20 years. Staggering drunkenly from bed to bed in the misguided belief his opportunistic stalkers actually found him as attractive as his hereditary title.
“This was a big win both for me personally and for all American gold diggers,” Markle said. “I trained hard, I worked hard, I dieted hard, I fucked hard and in the end it all paid off. The good news is that after Saturday I’ll never have to do anal or ass-to-mouth again.”
Satirist Jon Stewart likens the Transactional Relationship Olympics (TRO) to the Medieval competition to pull the legendary Sword of Excalibur from a stone and rule Britain. It’s a big deal because millions of gullible adults cherish their friendship with the British Royal Family in much the same way young children cherish their imaginary friends.
“TRO is the female equivalent of pulling Excalibur from a stone,” Stewart said. “Except in this case, the Sword of the Britons is a three inches long albino worm which appears to be drowning in a patch of linguine and red clam sauce.”