Duke and Duchess of Sussex Monetizing Royal Accoutrement

Harry and Meghan Sign $40 Mln Nike Contract, Sell Semen, Weigh Sex Video

by Tommie Paine - Jul-12-2018
in Market Supremacy News

In the aftermath of "The Royal Wedding That Broke The Internet," Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are already finalizing their plans to conquer the highly competitive worlds of fashion and consumer collectibles.

The Royal Couple inked a $40 million contract with Nike on Monday that will have them sporting its famed swoosh for the next decade and made another $10 million via internet sales of blood and semen last week. They're looking to further supplement their royal allowance by auctioning everything from used bedding to toothbrushes, toilet paper and Prince Harry's bright red public hair.

There's a huge and relatively untapped consumer market for Royal bodily fluids, according to the newly minted Duchess of Sussex.

"We're getting $1 million from BioLife for each shot of Harry's sperm and are currently negotiating a long-term exclusive contract with them," Meghan Markle said. "Bodily fluids is where the real growth potential is for the House of Windsor in my humble opinion. Harry and William are as healthy and horny as two young bulls. The Royal Family could easily surpass $1 billion a year in revenue if Kate (Middleton) and I can manage them intelligently and get them on a healthier diet."

Markle is a graduate of Northwestern University who founded the Tig lifestyle website and accrued 1.9 million Instagram followers before shutting it all down in April 2017 at the request of Queen Elizabeth II. The Royal Family is looking to the 36-year-old entrepreneur to help them fend off the competitive challenge posed by the libidinous Kardashian clan, which has attempted to brand its shameless members as American royalty.

The Duke and Duchess of Sussex are already taking steps to be more shameless and thereby maximize revenue from the royal accoutrement market. A Royal Sex Video is not out of the question.

"We're getting $100 a sheet for used toilet paper on Amazon and just sold a used shower clog for $5,500 on E-Bay," said the Duchess of Sussex. "It's the Wild West out there for Royal minutiae and there's no limit to what we could bring in with a properly marketed sex video."

The former actress turned royal sausage wallet has Prince Harry on the so-called Paleo diet designed to maximize their new revenue streams from his blood, urine, feces and sperm. All of which is being marketed under the new "House of Windsor" brand name.


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