Harry's ex-Girlfriends and Markle's Bruised Buttocks

Smart Money Says Harkle Union Lasts Five Years, Tops

by VJ Epstein - May-17-2018
in Market Supremacy News

A global audience of clueless millions is expected to tune into the Royal Wedding on Saturday to see Meghan Markle's attempted domestication of Prince Harry’s Throbbing Purple Sword of Destiny.

The union is a clear win for the 36-year-old actress, who pulled out all the stops to forge a courageous comeback in the 2018 Sausage Wallet Shootout, just as her looks were beginning to fade. However, it’s a devastating blow for British females, who came up empty for the third time in the last four official royal couplings.

"What's wrong with our milk shakes, mate?" a frustrated East Londoner tweeted after Markle sealed the win with a series of leg-shaking fake orgasms over the Christmas holidays.

Harry, 33, has been one of the biggest targets for Gold Diggers around the world for the past 20 years. Staggering drunkenly from bed to bed in the misguided belief his opportunistic stalkers actually found him as attractive as his hereditary title.

“This was a big win both for me personally and for all American gold diggers,” Markle said. “I trained hard, I worked hard, I dieted hard, I fucked hard and in the end it all paid off. The good news is that after Saturday I’ll never have to do anal or ass-to-mouth again.”

Satirist Jon Stewart likens the Transactional Relationship Olympics (TRO) to the Medieval competition to pull the legendary Sword of Excalibur from a stone and rule Britain. It’s a big deal because millions of gullible adults cherish their friendship with the British Royal Family in much the same way young children cherish their imaginary friends.

“TRO is the female equivalent of pulling Excalibur from a stone,” Stewart said. “Except in this case, the Sword of the Britons is a three inches long albino worm which appears to be drowning in a patch of linguine and red clam sauce.”

Foul Language


Get the news, commentary, and humor right to your inbox. Never miss another article.

Market Supremacy News

Truyahu Inspires Remake of Mark Twain’s “Prayer for War”

New “Prayer for Rectal Cancer" Targets Trump and Netanyahu

The 15-year-old girl at the top of the entertainment district outside Osan Airbase was scandalously dressed when I saw her just after curfew in 1998. Her drunken body gyrated in the street as she taunted the non-commissioned officer calling to her plaintively from the base gate below.

The Trump Trojan Horse

Communist Russia's Hail Mary Heave From The Grave

Remember the saying about those who don’t know history being destined to repeat it? That’s us right now. Not lower case “us,” but upper case “US.” As in the United States of America.

Confessions of a Journalism Lifer

America's Ink-Stained Wretches Finally Getting Woke

I was lambasting the journalism posers who are getting rich by destroying the Des Moines Register a couple weeks back - my newest guilty pleasure - when a former colleague stopped by for a tête-à-tête.

Cynical's Stormy Romance With Me Too

Focus on Celebrity Victims Hurts Everyone Else

The recent addition of political groupie Monica Lewinsky to MeToo's victim roster is a perfect illustration of the kind of country club nonsense which gives The Cynical Times misgivings about the movement.

Why Publicly Traded Companies Are Dying Off

U.S. Firms Are Growing Too Fast and Dying Too Young

For all the hype about U.S. President Donald Trump's alleged business prowess, the painful truth is that high-speed trading, modern financial analytics and political corruption have produced an auto-destructive loop which is killing publicly traded companies before their time.

Political Hookers Will Ignore Dead Kid's Mom

They Work for Wall Street, Not Main Street

It's hard for me to respond compassionately to Lori Alhadeff's heartbreaking appeal to President Donald Trump to "do something" following the mass sho Trump to "do something" following the mass shooting which killed 17 Americans in Florida, including her 14-year-old daughter.

Take a Bow Liberals: You Lowered Oil Prices

Renewables Equal 4 Bln Oil Barrels a Year

A fatally flawed article now circulating through the mainstream news media erroneously credits United States shale oil production with damping global oil prices, while completely ignoring the impact of renewable energy sources like wind and solar.

A Wall Street Icon's Jerry Maguire Moment

BlackRock CEO Calls for End to Corporate Treason

One of the most powerful men on Wall Street ignited a professional firestorm yesterday, by essentially calling for an end to class warfare and suggesting corporations should be good citizens as well as profit growth machines BlackRock Chief Executive Officer Larry Fink, whose New York investment firm has $6.
See All Market Supremacy News


Get the news, commentary, and humor right to your inbox. Never miss another article.

Satire & Humor

Why are Conservatives So Angry and Horny?

New Study Says They Struggle to Find Willing Partners

http://press.cynicaltimes.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/05/Best-index.jpg Conservative groups exhibited some of the highest levels of sexual frustration and aggression in the history of The Cynical Times' Annual Index of American Politics and Sex this year, according to findings released Sunday by the nonpartisan group.

MAGA 101: Donald Trump's Mind Control Secrets

How to Turn the Masses On, And Then Sic Them On Each Other

http://press.cynicaltimes.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/05/Book1.jpg The secrets of master manipulator Donald Trump, the Reality TV Star who has successfully transformed millions of proud American workers into reflexive rule followers and tools of the rich, are now being made available to the public for the first time.

Trump Slams Korean Peace Summit as "Gutless"

…Says “Big, Bloody, War” Still Achievable and Desirable

http://press.cynicaltimes.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/3.jpg President Donald Trump slammed South Korean President Moon Jae-in as a “gullible fool” and North Korean Strongman Kim Jung-un as an “unhinged madman” Friday, just moments after they concluded an historic peace summit.

New York Jew Admits Causing 2011 Tsunami

…Confirms Japanese Newspaper's Conspiracy Theory

http://press.cynicaltimes.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/2016.jpg No one was more surprised than me when Richard Koshimizu correctly guessed the real cause of the 2011 Tsunami in one of Japan’s largest newspapers.

Actress Sara Gilbert Named CIA Director

Trumps calls Celeb's Q-Rating “A Game Changer”

http://press.cynicaltimes.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/poop-1.png America’s increasingly addled Commander-in-Chief named former child star Sara Gilbert to head The Central Intelligence Agency on Sunday morning in a bizarre appointment immediately challenged by his own aides.

See All Satire Stories


Honoring Working Class Hero Chuck Plunkett

Ink-Stained Wretch Exits Dying Denver Post Like a Champ

Victor Epstein
Painful Truths by Victor Epstein
The staff of The Denver Post has been fighting for their professional survival ever since it was purchased by the Alden Global Capital vulture fund in 2010, and no one has taken a stronger stand than Editorial Page Editor Chuck Plunkett.

New York Elites Are Fragile, Helpless Garbage

… Big Apple's Scrappy Working Class is What Makes it Special

Victor Epstein
Painful Truths by Victor Epstein
When I was a Civil Air Patrol cadet in the Bronx in the deadly 1980s we didn't discover who was really poor until we left New York City for competitions, training weekends, and summer encampments.
See All Columns


Get the news, commentary, and humor right to your inbox. Never miss another article.